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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go? Would this annoy you?

274 replies

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:30

I'll try and keep it brief...!

I have a good friend who has a wedding coming up. We have been friends for many years, close with each others children etc..

There has been a holiday planned with a number of people for 1 week as a joint hen and stag do. I have been invited. Bride and groom aren't big drinkers so I don't doubt that it won't be a big boozing holiday and I'm sure will be lovely.

However, I don't personally really get these types of holidays, they just aren't for me. I don't like going and being with people I may not know very well and also leaving my children behind etc. I'd rather just go away with DH and the kids.

So I have just said sorry, but it's not my cup of tea, hope she has a lovely time etc... Will do something nice together another time.

AIBU? There is a person involved in the planning who seems quite annoyed by this and me not "putting myself out" for a friends big do.

Is it really a requirement of friendship to do something you really don't like the idea of for them? One evening for a party or one night away yes of course but I find that quite different to being asked to pay hundreds of pounds and spend a week away from your children.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 28/02/2024 08:37

I think these hen do’s are absolutely ridiculous - and as I understand it, the reason the MOH is miffed with you is because everyone else will have to pay a bit more to cover the bride’s costs. My daughter has been sucked into going to such a do in Barcelona - she asked for a ballpark figure for expenses, which was OK, but now a couple of people have dropped out, the costs have just skyrocketed, and she feels she’s in too deep to withdraw at this stage without causing upset and bad feeling - but it is absurd. And you are v much not being unreasonable not to go.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/02/2024 08:43

I think what OP said was fair enough, and agree that it's better not to make up excuses (Rule No 1 in assertiveness training!). It's refusing to take "no thanks" for an answer that's rude. Do we have a term for an over-officious event planner, to match brides with big expectations? Maidzilla? Planzilla? Maid of Orders?

OP has a life and a family. No, she's not tied to them, but leaving them for a week and spending family resources for a protracted party is only for people who like that sort of thing, which is by no means everyone. She has also explained that, although it would be possible, it'll be a pain in the butt for all involved, including her, but most notably her DH who she presumably cares enough about not to want to impose to this extent. He sounds like a reasonably switched-on fellow who could manage if needed, to be fair. But it isn't needed. It's not life or death and his DW isn't even all that keen. So why should he have to? Suppose there's something important, like, say, a close family member's wedding or, heaven forbid, illness, further down the line but they've already used all their spare resources and goodwill on this one, just to stop an acquaintance getting huffy?

Because this post isn't long enough 😁I'll add that insisting bridesmaids have to take part doesn't sound fair. They're already committed to the day, to rehearsals, costume fittings and all that gubbins, and to being present and on duty on the big day from pretty much the moment the bride wakes up until they wave her off at the end. She's doing a lot more than the average guest already. Expecting her to also go on a protracted, expensive holiday is beyond the call of duty IMO. I'm not sure even a family member would have the right to demand it (and the bride herself isn't even doing that!).

Livelovebehappy · 28/02/2024 08:55

Absolutely your right to choose not to go on something that you’re going to dread going to, and also paying for the privilege. I can see though that others might be offended because they don’t understand what it’s like to be socially awkward around people you don’t know. I’ve forced myself to go on these types of things, and spent the lead up feeling physically ill as it’s stressed me so much. Good for you that you’ve been firm with choosing not to do something that you really don’t want to do.

betterangels · 28/02/2024 08:58

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2024 16:25

You should go op , you might enjoy it!! Take some time out of being a wife and mum! @TurnOfTheBrew

Why? She doesn't want to and knows she wouldn't enjoy it. YANBU, OP.

daffodilesque · 28/02/2024 09:07

YANBU it's ridiculous to ask people to devote that sort of time and money to a hen or stag.

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

TurnOfTheBrew · 26/02/2024 14:33

It's not about the money in the sense that I couldn't afford it, or that it would mean I couldn't go away with DH and DC another time. But I just don't want to go. It's not something I enjoy the idea of. So I guess the AIBU is should you be expected to do something you could do but don't want to do because its for a friend?

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:22

Just seen you're a bridesmaid!!! I would be so upset with you if I was the bride. Whether thats reasonable or not, I get why you're getting a bad response to saying no 'just because'.

Wexone · 28/02/2024 09:34

On the fence here - yes i totally agree that one week is way too much. When did you say that you weren't going ? was it a final stages of planning or did you say from day one you are not going ? I wouldn't have said that its not my cup of tea though. What is your relationship with the planner ? I think you must be good friends with the bride as you have been asked to be bridesmaid and if its was me i would have said yes i will go however not for a week i will join you at the weekend as i cant take time and need to arrange childcare. Not everything we do is what we like but in some cases we compromise, i have been to Hens i haven't enjoyed however the bride to be has enjoyed them and appreciated that i went. To me thats part of friendship

Beautiful3 · 28/02/2024 09:38

Honestly your friend is being selfish. She asked you to be bridesmaid, then told you about these plans afterwards! You would fully explain the expectations before asking a commitment from someone, wouldn't you?! I said earlier in this thread how I went on one. I spent £2,000 for 14 nights, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I was young and naive at the time and was pushed into it, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Writing that actually makes me cringe right now! I'm proud that you can say, "no thanks." Good for you.

betterangels · 28/02/2024 09:40

Honestly your friend is being selfish. She asked you to be bridesmaid, then told you about these plans afterwards! You would fully explain the expectations before asking a commitment from someone, wouldn't you?!

Completely agree!

WhatNoRaisins · 28/02/2024 09:41

If it wasn't too far away and there was a particular big meal or night out I'd consider just going to that. Obviously don't know how practical that would be.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/02/2024 09:42

ranchdressing · 28/02/2024 09:21

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

There are people on mumsnet who think a wedding should just be a registry office and a few sandwiches, but I would never ever miss a friends hen if I could afford it just because i didnt like the activity.

Show quote history

When you're in your late 20s/early 30s, you can easily have 5 or more weddings to attend in any given year. If all of those brides organised a week's holiday for their hen do, would you feel obligated to use all of your annual leave on going to them? What about if the bride decides a week isn't enough and expects you to go on a fortnight's holiday for her hen do?

It's madness. Going to the hen do is important, yes. And being there for your friend's special moments is also important. But a week's holiday for a hen do is a totally unreasonable thing for the bride to request, therefore they have no right to get annoyed when not everyone wants to or is able to go.

Wimpeyspread · 28/02/2024 10:00

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 15:45

@TorroFerney

errr everyone needs to take some time out from being a wife and mother just to be themselves sometimes! It’s psychologically healthy.

Show quote history

Not if it’s a week doing something you don’t want to do

BardRelic · 28/02/2024 10:07

I actually disagree with a lot of comments here OP and think yes a hen do is something you do for the bride. It's not just a group holiday you opt in or out of because you like the idea of it or not, it's organised to suit what the bride wants (and groom in this case). You're invited to be part of her hen party (an important part of her wedding experience) and saying no just because you don't fancy it is quite a big deal.

Really? Why does getting married mean you can summons your friends to use up a week's annual leave to go somewhere they don't want to go, with people they don't choose to be with, leaving their own families to deal with situations they don't want to be in? It's incredibly self-centred to think you have the right to do this, just because it's part of your 'wedding experience'. A wedding is about two people, it's not a three line whip on all their friends to do whatever they're told to do over a period of many months.

Fair enough, if it's one evening or a day somewhere local. In that case, you do stuff for friends to be nice to them. But I would never expect friends to give up a week and then get the huff if they said 'actually, I don't want to'.

Lovemusic82 · 28/02/2024 10:25

I wouldn’t want to go either OP, I like going away but not in a group with people I don’t know very well (or not at all). I don’t understand these big hen do’s, weeks away or even weekends away. I think it’s selfish to expect people to fork out a load of money to go to a destination of someone else choice and with people they wouldn’t ever go away with. Attending a wedding is enough and costs enough (outfits, gifts, getting hair done etc..). People seem so entitled these days, expecting people to dedicate a whole week to the fact they are getting married.

Lalalalala555 · 28/02/2024 10:26

Flip side questions - is it okay for someone to put pressure on another person to spend £100s of pounds and take a week off work and away from their family after they've already said no.

You have finite money, finite time, it's yours to choose what to do with it.
If you don't want to go it's okay!

Don't let people guilt or shame you.
If it matters so much that you come, then they should be up for debate about how much and how long and where this thing happens.

I don't get how weddings have now become these insane sink holes of time and money.
Showing up for the day, getting time off, booking accommodation, travelling, giving money or gifts, sitting around for a day with people you don't know, having an outfit specified to you.
That's enough.

Hen and stag do's were meant to be the night before.

I really think people have got unreasonable with the pressure and expectations they put on friends to celebrate weddings and the fanfare upto it.

Its already nuts as it is that it costs 1000s.

Back to your point.
I think maybe the person getting upset at you is maybe more jealous they didn't say no, or having an issue that this is effecting them in some way like they have to pay more. Or they don't want to be there with people they don't know if you're one of the few they do know.

Lalalalala555 · 28/02/2024 10:31

Since when has it got to the point that brides can disregard the wellbeing of their friends.
Instead of brides caring about their friends, and what they are already asking for for them to be brides maids, it's almost like a power card.
Because you're a brides bridesmaid, some people then expect you to contribute a tonne of money and time to additional needless stuff.

Forgetting what the whole wedding thing is about!
Bridesmaid is being there for you on the day, emotionally, looking out for stuff going on in the wedding, helping get ready.
That's already a big ask!
If anything the bride should be paying for you to go on a hen do as a thank you.

Lalalalala555 · 28/02/2024 10:34

Have had a bridesmaid role twice in weddings.
Never again.

Get asked to do so much stuff, additional stress. No thank yous or appreciation. Just expectation that whatever you have going on in your life, you can drop it for loads of time to do stuff like decorating prep, planning things, buying stuff, spending money.

I would never want my friends to have the same experience.
If I ever got married, I would try to ask the least in terms of money and time. And be specific what I would need from them from the off. And be appreciative and considerate.

Is it a nice person that demands you spend thousands of pounds and a week away from your family.
No.

FastFood · 28/02/2024 10:34

Gosh I remember a time when stag and hen does were just an afternoon and evening of idiocy and bar hopping, locally.

Recently it seems to have escalated into full blown weekends abroad and now A WEEK?

What's next, a world tour and a sabbatical from work?

mollyfolk · 28/02/2024 10:38

Fitzbillie · 26/02/2024 17:05

If you actually gave “it’s not my cup of tea” as the reason and nothing else, it’s a bit tactless. It does come across as I don’t like you enough to put myself out and do something that isn’t ostensibly unpleasant.

It sounds like the very good reasons you don’t want to go are: 1. you don’t want to be away from your DC for a week; 2. you can’t justify the expense (particularly for something you won’t really enjoy); 3. you don’t feel comfortable staying with people you don’t know well. Those are all good reasons and most people would understand them and empathise. Yet, it seems like you didn’t tell the organiser those reasons. “Not my cup of tea” sounds like you can’t be bothered.

I think their reaction would have been different if you had been more explicit in your reasons. Maybe I wouldn’t have mentioned the bit about not being able to justify the expense on something you don’t like… 😂 I would have left it as not being able to afford it right now.

Yes I would agree with this. It would strike me as odd if someone said this - like you didn’t like them or something. Your actual reasons are completely understandable. I would not be able to go myself because of the kids and the fact that I’d be missing out on a family holiday.

Lianna077 · 28/02/2024 10:39

To ask someone with a family to go away for a whole week for a hen/stag do is completely unreasonable!!

You are absolutely justified in declining, bridesmaid or not. Well done for being strong!

StrawberryEater · 28/02/2024 10:45

There’s a huge difference between a night out or even a weekend away (which I think is something you ideally ought to do for good friends unless it’s impossible due to expense or childcare) and asking people to go on a week’s holiday. I think it’s fine to organise such a thing if people want to go, but there should be absolutely no pressure on those who choose not to.

Echobelly · 28/02/2024 10:50

YANBU - if people are going to make arrangements that are a big commitment of time and money, they have to be prepared that not everyone will make it. This is exactly why we made out hen/stag joint do easy and affordable.

OpieMo · 28/02/2024 10:55

You're fine. If people want their hen/stag to be a multi-day affair which will come at great expense they realise that not everyone can or will want to attend. Even if it's just a night out there will be people who just don't like that sort of thing but who still love the bride and groom and plan to be there on the wedding day. It's an invitation, not a summons.

If you forced yourself to attend every single event a friend planned because 'it's what friends do' you wouldn't have much money or annual leave left to do things you want to do!

Isitautumnyet23 · 28/02/2024 11:15

Can’t read all the replies but you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Love my friends, love their kids (have many a great day out together), but would not go on holiday with another family let alone lots of other families. A holiday is our time, we want to do exactly what we want and from what ive seen when ive seen big groups together on holiday, it doesn’t look as relaxing to me.

You were honest, wish them all a great time and book your family holiday to enjoy!