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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To join DH during his weekly father/son bonding time?

262 replies

SlightlyOCDMum · 26/02/2024 10:33

As a word of context I love spending time with my family, going to coffee places etc. My husband usually takes our son to football on Saturday morning and after that takes him for a coffee together. He says this is "his bonding time" with him, that he only has these 30 mins per week to connect with him, and feels protective/would rather I do not join, whereas I see this as an opportunity to spend family time together. Lately I no longer ask DH and just join them directly at the coffee place. AIBU for wanting to spend time together and joining them? Or should I leave my husband having this bonding time without me?

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/02/2024 07:32

You love family time when it's a cosy coffee shop after the football, but not so much when it's standing on the pitch watching him play?? Whoever takes him to football then takes him for coffee afterwards, easy.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 27/02/2024 07:35

When OP said they go to football then have coffee I initially thought they watch football together, meaning they have the whole game to bond and also want the coffee time. But I suspect it means DS plays football, then they only have the travel and coffee time to really bond? In which case YABU. I'd understand it if they were watching the game together and having time as a family is rare, but that's not mentioned.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2024 07:44

You sound very controlling. You know your DH would rather be on his own. But no you have to muscle in. The spectre at the feast. YABU.

Downunderduchess · 27/02/2024 07:45

After reading the whole thread I’m starting to think the whole thing is made up, as in the family doesn’t exist (except in OP’s head). She hasn’t kept the story straight. Do better OP. In the very unlikely event that it’s genuine then yes you are being extremely unreasonable.

EW671 · 27/02/2024 08:59

Sorry but yes YABU.

one of my fondest memories of my childhood was that my Dad and I would do garden chores on a Saturday morning, take the clippings to the tip and then go and have a McDonalds together as a reward. It was our one moment of just us two time during the week and our bond is rock solid to this day (36 for context).

it’s really important for kids to have one on one bonding time with their parents and if you get other family time with them during the week I think infringing on this time (especially when you have been proactively asked not to) is unfair on them both.

Could you try to use the time to do a little something for you? Go get your nails done, have a swim or a run or some retail therapy?

TinyTear · 27/02/2024 09:04

The OP in another post mentions two daughters instead. And DH resenting her going to the hairdresser.

I am suspecting a reverse and she changed ballet and daughter to football and son, for example

Isometimeswonder · 27/02/2024 09:11

Jeez, don't be that person.
Your poor husband.

Sugargliderwombat · 27/02/2024 09:11

Wow! Imagine a husband doing this. So controlling.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/02/2024 09:13

He’s asked you not to attend but you keep gatecrashing their one to one time together. You sound controlling. Leave them to have their bonding time - it’s only thirty minutes, surely you can give them that.

Elphamouche · 27/02/2024 09:14

You are bang out of order!

SunSparkle · 27/02/2024 09:17

Every parent and child should try and carve out some one to one time together whether it’s going for a hot chocolate, a drive in the car, doing the supermarket shop. They need to have that time with each parent - it’s a different dynamic to family time. They will bring up different personal things with diff parents, bond over diff shared interests, learn different things. Pleas respect their time and if you’re jealous, carve out a similar moment for you both.

Solibear · 27/02/2024 09:31

30 minutes per week alone together and you want to intrude on it? Sounds like you’re jealous for some reason. Or if it genuinely is the case that this is the only opportunity for “family time” as well, then I think you need to have a serious look at what you’re doing with the rest of your time and make an effort to carve some more time out elsewhere in the schedule

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 27/02/2024 09:33

@TinyTear op had a previous post about hating her youngest son, she had two boys on that thread. That would make two sons and two daughters, maybe not a reverse

mondaytosunday · 27/02/2024 09:34

As someone with kids who lost their father very young, I plead with you to leave them alone. Especially for boys, this 'bonding' is so essential. I so wish my son had a father to help guide him during his teens and transition to adulthood and the relationship is formed young. It's their special time, and I remember the special times when I did things just me and my own father.
I'm sure there's plenty of 'family time' you can enjoy the rest of the day or week.

TinyTear · 27/02/2024 09:35

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 27/02/2024 09:33

@TinyTear op had a previous post about hating her youngest son, she had two boys on that thread. That would make two sons and two daughters, maybe not a reverse

Ah couldn't find that one...

Either way if this situation is true @SlightlyOCDMum is being totally unreasonable.

Rightsraptor · 27/02/2024 09:46

For goodness sake OP, can't you leave them alone for half an hour? You've been asked to but you seem to be ignoring the request. Why?

Crcicc16 · 27/02/2024 11:05

You should respect your husband's wishes and let them have some alone time. Have a little time to yourself!

Phoenixfire1988 · 27/02/2024 12:53

He's asked you to let them have that time and you totally ignore it are you this controlling in other aspects of your marriage too ?
I'd change where we go and not tell you tbh

Lalalalala555 · 27/02/2024 15:03

I'm not sure if the issue is you want to show up for your son ie see him at football practice. Therefore occasionally asking to go and going seems fair.

But if the issue is you're not okay with your partner and son having one on one time then that's not okay. Unless your partner is not safe, but that's a whole other ball game.

Maybe if you go once a month, and when you do go, you encourage your partner to take that one on one time with your son at a separate time in the week so they still get it?

Danni1970 · 27/02/2024 15:21

I suggest you leave then too it. Can't you go and meet up with a friend for coffee and see them later ?

Mumtryingtolivethedream · 27/02/2024 15:37

Massive yabu it's only 30mins and hes asked you not to so you're going against his wishes. It's so important for kids to have one on one time.
Why does it bother you do much maybe a case of FOMO

HelenTherese2 · 27/02/2024 16:22

Clingy and weird.

Leave them alone. Boys and men should be encouraged to spend time together as it’s a skill. Very often men are very lonely as they don’t know how to socialise.

nanamoo · 27/02/2024 19:50

Jeeez just let them have their 30mins bonding time ffs. It's only a short time that they have for 1 on 1 bonding, so let them have it. It makes you sound clingy and or jealous of their time together.

Libra24 · 27/02/2024 20:19

It's not unreasonable to want 1:1 time
It's not unreasonable to want family time.

Do you both have opportunity to do both in the week?
If not then sorry but I would say it needs to be rota'd.
So one week he takes him for coffee, one week you all go and another week you do the football run and post football bonding.

Or some kind of arrangement where it's shared.

If you can't carve out another 1:1 slot or another family slot then it's going to have to be shared.

If you have loads of 1:1 time and family time then you're being unreasonable. But if that was true then dh would also have other chances and he is being petty claiming it too. Same as you are.

gemma19846 · 27/02/2024 20:33

How childish. Leave them be! DH has made it clear he wants to spend time ALONE with his son

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