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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To threaten my H with divorce if he ever takes my kids to see MIL again.

439 replies

HooversBrokenAgain · 24/03/2008 21:08

He took them "out" today. All day so I could have a break, he said nothing about going to see his mum.(I don't trust her and have never wanted our children left with her) He comes home looking sheepish MIL has only f gone and pierced my baby daughters ears.

I have been screaming at him for almost 3 hours and am still fuming with rage.

He keeps telling me to take them out if I am so bothered.

I am going to show him this thread so if you all flame me he'll think he is off the hook.

BTW can anyone tell me if it's ok to take them out, they are very bloody and I'm so worried she is mutilated for life

OP posts:
serendippity · 25/03/2008 14:07

Absolutly bloody unaceptable! how dare she?!
Never mind threatening him with divorce if he take her round again, threaten him with it if he doesn't give his mother a bloody good talking too!
Take them out, they'll heal over i hope.

kitbit · 25/03/2008 14:12

well said Hoover, it's hard not to bend to family pressure and go back on these decisions, but hopefully the wrath of mumsnet will help you stand firm. She's a danger to your children.

ljhooray · 25/03/2008 14:14

Hi there Hoover, like many others, only just found this thread and sending tons of love, have been in shock for last few mins so just getting head together to reply.
Like others have said, DH is probably behaving in a pattern developed over many years but please please take time to address this. It is no excuse for what has happended but means that as a couple, you'll really need to work through this. Short term he may feel repentant and guilty but it's not going to stop the crazy MIL continuing her behaviour and the pattern of their relationship affecting you and your family.

If anything postive can come from this horrible event (poor dd, hope she's OK) then its an opportunity to re-evaluate and establish more positive relationships in the future. Encourage DH to address this, MIL contact to stop and think DH could most certainly benefit from exploring relationship with MIL and why he feels powerless to stop her. Most importantly, he needs to know that long term a united front is whats needed, he needs to side with his family unit, they must come first.

Alderney · 25/03/2008 15:26

Thats Assault.

I'd go to the police and get them to visit her - frighten the life out of her.

And take the earrings straight out.

Where was your DH while this was going on (sorry thats probably covered but I've not read the replies yet)

MissGelly · 25/03/2008 15:48

To be fair to the MIL, she is not "crazy". She has a different belief system - that's not her fault. She was taught that it's acceptable to pierce a child's ears. We are all appalled by it, but the way she was taught, it is a done thing for little girls. And maybe her son, if he's been raised by her, feels the same about ear piercing as she does.His casualness about the whole thing indicates that might be the case. Perhaps not a big deal to him because it's something he's used to seeing?

But as Hoover does NOT want it, then he might be torn between doing what is right for Hoover and his children and staying loyal to his parents.... From what I know of Asian families, the honour and respect for the parents is quite a strong theme.

She was grotesquely wrong to go against Hoover's wishes and therefore, should have her visitation revoked. And husband was wrong to allow the piercing, but I can feel a bit of sympathy for him that he was perhaps afraid of incurring the wrath of his parents... It's up to Hoover now to make sure he understands that his loyalty is to HER and the children.

sonicdeathmonkey · 25/03/2008 15:53

MissGelly - the MIL is not crazy for having a different belief system, but she IS categorically crazy for piercing a baby's ears with a dirty adult earring with no licence to pierce ears and (unless I've missed something) no training/qualification in piercing ears. That's the crazy part, the bit that IMO means she's committed no less than assault on a baby!

Alderney · 25/03/2008 16:03

Miss Gelly

Have to agree with SonicDeathMonkey...it might be the case that in her culture its permissable or even culturally historically correct to pierce as baby's ears, BUT NOT LIKE THAT....

I can't believe that is the standard proceedure in her culture - you know the mother doesn't want it, so you wait for any second you ahve the baby alone, secret the baby up the stairs and then stab one of your own earrings through the baby's ears....

Janni · 25/03/2008 16:05

I started to feel very uncomfortable with the way this thread was going...It's not up to us to tell the OP to get rid of her DH. That's adding an extra burden to the poor girl on top of worrying about her baby and being furious with her MIL and DH. We have no idea what their marriage is like apart from this one, terrible incident. Did the DH even know what his mother was up to?

I hate piercings on babies and the MIL was extremely stupid to do it but I don't think the
baby's parents should be told to split up over it.

Janni · 25/03/2008 16:06

Fuck - I just read her OP again. Sorry! She DID ask whether she should divorce him. Ignore what I just said, I'm an idiot

CoteDAzur · 25/03/2008 16:08

Sorry, I don't buy the "different belief system" argument at all.

Both my grandparents are devout Muslims who do the whole five times a day namaz thing and fast for a full month during Ramazan. They have never ever forced anything on me. Not when I made no secret of my agnosticism from an early age. Not when I wore mini skirts. Not when I married a Catholic man.

This MIL may have a different belief system but that does not make it OK for her to go against the mother's express wishes for her baby daughter. Especially where bodily harm is concerned.

What MIL did is not normal. Whatever her belief system or culture or what she considers to be normal, she should know that she cannot force them on someone else, let alone on her little baby.

BeauLocks · 25/03/2008 16:11

Agree with Cote.

If it's ok for the mil to pierce the baby's ears without consent because it's part of her culture then I guess it'll be ok for her to have the child circumsized when she's older if that's part of her culture too?

It's assault. Pure and simple. Even if the op's h had consented to the ear piercing you can't consent to an assault, especially on a child.

Unfitmother · 25/03/2008 17:15

Delighted to hear DD is OK, I hope you manage to sort out the bigger issues.

lucyellensmum · 25/03/2008 17:57

Ive thought about this alot over last night, as this was a terrible thing to happen. The OPs DH was a spineless twat and his mother totally out of order. I do wonder though if revoking all visiting is a bit extreme. I know it was terrible, i totally agree that it was assault and should never have happened. But i do not believe this woman was acting out of malice, but was just plain stupid and misled. All of my cousins peirced their own ears and whilst i categorically disagree (no cultural reasons apart from fashion victimness) no real harm came of it, luckily. So, perhaps MIL didnt really understand the medical implications. etc. She was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong and it should be made perfectly clear to her that she has breached your trust and will never be trusted to be alone with your DD ever again. But to deprive DD of her nan, who, probably, lets face it, does love her grandchild, seems a shame that the DD could miss out in order to punish the nan. Mind you, as i said, if it were my MIL, it wouldnt be a problem, because i would have killed her!

CaptainDippy · 25/03/2008 18:56
Shock
slim22 · 25/03/2008 19:40

Glad to hear DD is fine.

Good luck with DH and MIL!

RE: the .... ahem....."belief system" discussion, better get down to the bottom of what DH thinks now. You would not want this issue to backfire when your daughter is a teenager and MIL comes up with all sorts of "practical" advice on how a young girl should behave

3littlefrogs · 25/03/2008 19:50

This is not just about cultural beliefs/wearing gold etc. It goes much deeper than that. It is partly cultural, but essentially is about control and hierarchy within the family. MIL most probably feels that DIL has no right to say what she can and cannot do with regard to the children. DH is obviously under the thumb - I am guessing he and MIL are Asian, and I am afraid this sort of situation will crop up again and again.

I can remember being distraught when my MIL shaved DS1's head when he was a baby. I was only out of the house for a short time. She played the "culture" card, but I knew she was just trying to assert her "authority". Nowhere near as bad as ear piercing I know, but it is the betrayal of trust that is so distressing.

She made my life a misery for years, until eventually we moved well away from her.

mama4 · 25/03/2008 19:58

I dont think you should be too angry. I agree a mohers permission should be asked before such a thing should happen, but he is the father he should have rights too and they are the grandparents they would not do it out of mallice.

I got my girls ears donr at that age and they were fine and I think she looked pretty. Just keep the area clean and they will heal up fine dear, and wats the point of takin em out now after she has been through the pain of getting em pierced in the first place.

littleducks · 25/03/2008 20:06

mama4- were your children pierced professionally with clean, sterile utensiles? imo that is totally different, not to my taste but acceptable, using earrings that had been worn by someone else, without the proper equipment kept sterile is cruel and risky as it could cause infection which could spread rapidly.

My mil also thinks i should pierce dd'd ears, i said she can have them done at age 10 if she is really keen as it is her body, her decision. My mil will try the and influence dh and try to get her way but she would NEVER cross the boundary and get them pierced let alone diy it!

PuppyMonkey · 25/03/2008 20:06

mama4!!

MadameCh0let · 25/03/2008 20:07

The point of removing them, Mama4, would be that they look absolutely disgusting.

My stomach does a loop the loop of nausea when I see a child who can not even speak who has had her ears pierced.

Nothing looks more lovely than a baby's fresh untouched skin. It doesn't need to be improved with earrings.

ernest · 25/03/2008 20:16

I dont think you should be too angry If my child had gone out for the day and come back with his hair cut without my permission, I'd be really pissed off. If he came back with an ear pierced I'd be furious and beside myself.
If I found out it had been done under those circe I would be murderous.

Shouldn't be too angry?????????????????????????????
No, she SHOULD be angry. Rally bloody angry. It was an appalling thing to do. The child is a person, not a fucking dolly to be dressed up, bejewelled at the whim of somebody else. And the parents should have the right to say what does & doesn't happen. As it is, the OP made it perfectlt clear she did NOT want her daughter's ears pierced, and she also says her dh did not give consent. This woman, had no right whatsoever to do this to the little girl, and to do it in such a way is appalling.,

And it isn't just about the ears obviously, but the abuse of trust, the disregard for the parent, the disregard for the child and the precedent set, and what else she might do in the future if this is not dealt with firmly now.

I also think this is truly shocking and would be distraight if this happened to one of my children.

chipmonkey · 25/03/2008 20:21

I wouldn't let MIL put an item of clothing I didn't approve of on any of my children ( and believe me, my MIL has tried and has v. bad taste!) never mind allowing her to pierce my child's ears!
mama4, the whole point is that it is up to each mother to decide whether to have her child's ears pierced or not, although I personally think it's a horrible thing to do to a defenceless baby. You made the choice for your baby, Hoover didn't get to make that choice, it was taken out of her hands. Of course they should be taken out!

terramum · 25/03/2008 20:27

Glad to hear your DD is doing ok Hoover. Hope your DH stops being such a twat & supports you in your efforts to prevent MIL from having access to the children. Keep us posted.

mama4 · 25/03/2008 20:34

Sorry I didnt realise it was a DIY job and without your consent then you have all the right in the world to be angry at them.

I know when I was little my mum tells me she did mine with a needle ....... but she did sterilise it

Blueskythinker · 25/03/2008 20:46

Hoover, haven't read all the replies, but seriously, you need to report this to the police.

As for having a different belief system - IT IS NOT HER DECISION TO MAKE! What if your daughter had arrived home with no clitoris because of a 'belief system'?????