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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To threaten my H with divorce if he ever takes my kids to see MIL again.

439 replies

HooversBrokenAgain · 24/03/2008 21:08

He took them "out" today. All day so I could have a break, he said nothing about going to see his mum.(I don't trust her and have never wanted our children left with her) He comes home looking sheepish MIL has only f gone and pierced my baby daughters ears.

I have been screaming at him for almost 3 hours and am still fuming with rage.

He keeps telling me to take them out if I am so bothered.

I am going to show him this thread so if you all flame me he'll think he is off the hook.

BTW can anyone tell me if it's ok to take them out, they are very bloody and I'm so worried she is mutilated for life

OP posts:
belgo · 25/03/2008 10:36

that can lead to septiceamia. I assumed it was Claire's Accesories

bootsmonkey · 25/03/2008 10:41

Carmenere - I agree contact should be broken with this women, certainly in the short term until she earns some trust back. My question is how would Hoover ensure that her DH dosn't go behind her back, which it sounds like he may do as he is well and truly under his mothers thumb....

It all comes down to how strongly Hoover feels about this. A legal restraining order owuld leave nobody in doubt. Otherwise I have a feeling she will brush off Hoovers 'concerns' and try again next time she gets her hands on her grandaughter....

Swedes · 25/03/2008 10:41

Piercing a baby's ears could constitute a criminal offence see here

LittleBella · 25/03/2008 10:46

I wouldn't wait till he takes the kid to see your MIL next time tbh.

I agree with all those who say that he has chosen to side with his mother against his wife and therefore is a Bad Husband.

This is a symptom of a total lack of respect for you and a total indifference to the welfare of his daughter.

He sounds horrible.

LittleBella · 25/03/2008 10:48

I'd also get the police involved.

If you don't, this bitch and spineless git will be doing things behind your back for years. You can look forward to years of knowing that whenever it comes to a difference of opinion between your MIL and you, your DH will side with MIL so she knows she will get away with it, so what you don't want to happen about your DD, will happen.

I personally would feel the need to draw a very big line in the sand here. The MIL needs to know she can't push you around the way she can her son.

Stopfighting · 25/03/2008 10:51

This is the first time I've read such a long thread completely.

Can't really add anything useful which hasn't already been said.

I would NEVER allow any contact between your children and their 'grandmother' again.

I would log it with the police too.

barnstaple · 25/03/2008 10:52

Agree with LittleBella; you've got to make a firm stand now or the principle will be engraved in stone.

Hope you and dd are OK.

alicet · 25/03/2008 10:54

Think the option of getting a restraining order against MIL is a good one. Agree attempting a prosecution will be fraught with legal and emotional problems for Hoover.

I also think I would think quite seriously about leaving him for a short term to give him a chance to realise the severity of what he has done.

Am still reeling at this

frisbyrat · 25/03/2008 10:56

Only read to page 5 so far, but am horrified. Has your baby been immunised against hepatitis?

contentiouscat · 25/03/2008 10:58

Hmm perhaps you should point out to you MIL that no one cares how much gold you have - this is 2008 fgs

Assuming you live in the UK your husband should understand

Priority No 1 his child's welfare - by allowing his mother to do this he has failed her.

Priority No 2 His wife's wishes - which he has completely disregarded.

He isnt a 12 year old he is a man...whilst it is nice to see a man who has a good relationship with his mother he either needs to learn to stand up to her...see her without the children or not see her at all.

Personally I would put out feelers to the police but I suspect they would not do anything as her father was involved.

Blu · 25/03/2008 10:59

Hoover, I'm so sorry.

My MIL is Asian, her other grandchildren have pierced ears - but it was done professionally and hygenically AND WITH THE MOTHER'S CONSENT, and, in fact, the girl's consent. Even my rather forceful MIL would never have taken matters into her own hands, done it herself or gone against a parents expressed wish - and her cultural expectations are v high and she too wants them to wear thier gold etc etc. So, the 'cultural' aspect is no mitigation.

But sorry - I do think that your DH bears enormous responsibility for this.

And to risk scepticaemia, and all that pain....even if he is her dad i don't see that that legally entitles him to have her subjected to piercing without anaesthetic or exposing her to blood poisoning and infection!

They have gone behind your back - a terrible betrayal of trust by your DH.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:04

I've just read this thread in its entirety and I feel physically sick. Your poor, poor, baby. I was reading and thinking, "I hope this is a troll", but sadly I know it's not

I hope that your DD is okay today and that you have nailed your (D)H to the bed by his ear-lobes and scrotum!

Personally, I would be getting a restraining order against my MIL, kicking my H out and taking it to the police, but that is a personal decision and only one you can make. Good luck!

Flynnie · 25/03/2008 11:07

and so so for you and your DD.
This really makes me want to go and give my own MIL a hug as she would never do anything like this....fgs your DH needs a kick up the backside.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:07

I must agree with some of the others that, when I saw the thread title, I thought it was going to be along the lines of: My MIL gaves my seven month old blue Smarties! I so wish it had been.

callmeovercautious · 25/03/2008 11:10

I hope DD is feeling ok today and you are calmer. Did your H survive the night or have you kicked him out?

I hope it went well at the Hospital.

{{hugs}}

CoteDAzur · 25/03/2008 11:14

Having calmed down from my initial outrage, here is what I would really recommend:

Hoover loves her DH and wants to keep him. In this case, her strategy should be to prevent them from uniting against her (which would delight MIL and possibly end in the breakdown of their marriage).

So... Tell DH you believe he had nothing to do with this because you know he would never allow any bodily harm to come to your baby. (By the time you are through with MIL, you will have put the fear of God into your DH better than if you had confronted and prosecuted him in court) Go to police, report MIL and get a restraining order against her.

Net result: DH at your side, scared to say he gave consent (lest police go after him as well). MIL effectively pushed aside. No contact between MIL and DD. Good all around.

alicet · 25/03/2008 11:16

Actually CoteDAzur that is a bloody brilliant suggestion! Nice one!

LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:17

Just told DH an abridged version and he said he'd be calling the police if either of our Mums did that.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:18

Excellent suggestions, but I think I'd want the restraining order to encompass all of the children if possible.

StealthPolarBear · 25/03/2008 11:21

does she have any other GCs?

FloriaTosca · 25/03/2008 11:37

Hi Hoover
Just want to add my and to every one elses. I hope you went to A&E and got them removed and that lo is on antibiotics etc for anything she might have been exposed to and dearly hope she is ok poor mite.
I would love to join in with some of the more radical forms of retribution suggested on this thread but have agree with CoteDazure...though personally how you could ever trust after such a huge betrayal like this I wouldnt know. I hope he comes to his senses and realises the enormity of it soon.

itsahardknocklife · 25/03/2008 11:38

Hoover, do please let us know how your DD is.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2008 11:44

Hoover has just reported that DD is fine. Earrings have been removed and her DH did not give consent.

catsmother · 25/03/2008 11:47

I think Cote D'Azur's suggestion is a good one up to a point but does Hoover really want to keep her DH ??

Could any mother forgive such a massive betrayal of trust - one which involved a painful, and potentially dangerous, assault upon a very young child ?

We can't speak for Hoover until she comes back and says what she's decided to do - and quite obviously, right now, she must be reeling with everything that's happened - but even if Hoover succeeded in preventing any further contact between MIL & her children, would she ever really be able to trust her DH again ?

Remember - he shrugged this off. He told Hoover to take the earrings out if she was "that bothered". He has shown no remorse, made no apology, and doesn't seem shocked by what his mother did. He could be kept in line so far as his mother is concerned with the threat of his prosecution hanging over him ..... but I wonder how long that will keep him in his place ? What happens a year or so down the line when his mother starts pressuring him to see her grandchildren ? Would Hoover be able to trust that there would be no sneaky visits when her back is turned ? Would the threat of police action lose its power after a time ..... when DH assumes it would have "blown over" by then ? Going forward, would Hoover really be able to keep her kids glued to her side forever more ? What if she wants a couple of hours to herself - how would she feel about leaving the kids alone with DH ?

This isn't an argument about, say, MIL feeding the kids fruit shoots against Hoover's wishes ..... to do what she did she must have been totally determined to do what SHE wanted to do, regardless of her DIL's thoughts on the matter (which had been made very clear to her already). Someone as focussed as that won't listen to reason and cannot be trusted at all. And obviously, DH has deferred to his mother, thus indicating that he places her way above anyone else in the family pecking order. If he was prepared to do that ..... and he MUST have known that Hoover would be devastated ..... then you have a man who won't be kept "down" for long, regardless of any threats.

I think MIL should have a restraining order against her for sure. And, I'm sorry to say, that I couldn't remain with someone I couldn't trust and depend upon 100% to protect my children ....... and would have to split. I'd also want supervised access between my ex and the children thereafter, which I know is an awful thing and unnatural etc, etc, but the alternative would be a very high risk of them being exposed to contact with MIL and her bloody earrings. With their outrageous behaviour so far, I have a nasty gut feeling that both MIL and DH wouldn't necessarily be deterred by legal action anyway.

I feel so so sorry for you Hoover.

FloriaTosca · 25/03/2008 11:47

Great to hear lo is ok. Throw the book at the old bag then

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