To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

It’s so hard isn’t it? I’m going through diagnosis for ADHD and ASD also. When things are going ok I forget how hard life is, it’s only now I’m in a situation where I am unwell myself that I’m realising how much I do for dd and how different our family home is to everyone else’s.

Just as a little advice, you won’t be able to get power of attorney for health and welfare (or finance) if she lacks capacity. The individual has to have capacity at the time they complete the paperwork.

If your daughter does indeed lack capacity healthcare professionals will make a best interest decision on her behalf, but they are legally required to consult you (and anyone else who knows her well) to ensure they have the full picture.

I'm autistic and I have at times stolen.

It started in my teens and included things like money in the house, food, my sisters clothes/make up.

It wasn't all the time and not planned it was more opportunity.

As an adult things like food in supermarkets either eating while shopping or not scanning it through at self serve. Also when I worked in pubs (late teens and early twenties) I sometimes ate the food without paying or pocketed cash rather than putting it through the till.

The only way I can describe it is it's like I didn't think about the impact on the other person. (In case of parents/sibling's) And I'm not bothered about big companies as I feel they can afford the loss.

I have never took anything like clothes/ornaments/appliances/jewellery in a shop because the chance of getting caught and the consequences of getting caught are much higher.

I stopped doing the supermarket stuff after getting a trolley check and being £6 out. (Nothing happened I just had to pay it) but it put the fear of god in me. I'm 41 this was maybe 6/7 years ago.

I don't tend to have other opportunities to steal these days and it's not something I seek out or even want to do. It's something I did if I could because I wanted the thing I was taking and I felt confident I wouldn't get caught. As I've got older I've become more aware of the example I set for my children as they get older. I'm more cautious and concerned with getting caught/consequences. And I'm more bothered by what people think of me.

To be clear it wasn't a regular occurrence, it was sporadic so could be months between times. I just seem to want the thing more than I care about the other person (in that moment)

I just thought I'd explain incase it resonates/helps .

Will the police help? It might scare her into stopping.

I don't think you can reason with her or fully understand her mind set tho.

I'm ADHD too ,and dyslexia and alexithima,I found out age 50 ,and autism.so I didn't know very long ago I had it all ,
I'm just relieved I didn't get told I have learning disabilities to .

I was wondering this.

Hope your surgery goes well OP, no real advice about this particular issue of stealing I'm afraid but I think it's a concern that you are getting push back from professionals when mentioning Prader Willi syndrome without them giving your daughter full testing.
Now I am no kind of medical/science person but your daughter may well have this but have a less typical presentation - especially if it is more common in boys- it certainly sounds like there are strong similarities and experts/support groups for this condition may provide the best advice, because even if it turns out your daughter didn't have that specific condition, her behaviour may respond best to practices that may be recommended for people with PW.
It irks me that rather than offer a genetic test they have dismissed you out of hand! If she did have this it may also mean better and more tailored support for you/her too from the authorities. If I were you I would lightly reach out to some PW groups/forums etc and see if that may be a good source of advice and support.

As @Chipolata12 says, as your DD lacks capacity she can’t apply for you to be a POA, but you could apply to the Court of Protection to be her Welfare Deputy. If she only receives benefits, there would be no point applying to be a Financial Deputy as I assume you’re currently her DWP appointee anyway?

If you’re worried about her being arrested or picked up by the police, I would recommend you signing her up for the Pegasus Scheme. This is a number (you can print on a bracelet or necklace etc). This makes the police aware she has autism, therefore classed as vulnerable, and maybe prone to meltdowns/non compliance.

Does she have to live with you?

Please don’t bring the police into her life. You know about them as an institution, right? There are a lot of police officers whose radar you do not want her on.

I have an autistic son who "stole" food when he was a child/teenager. Its not prader willi, which has been mentioned a few times, though i havent rtft, its simple impulse control. My autistic son lacked it, his drives and impulses would take over, he couldnt help himself. He also stole money, one time upwards of £300 i had saved for holiday spends. He out grew this though, he developed the ability to control his impulses. He has never stolen (afaik) from outside of the home. Going to the police however, isnt something i would do, or did. There were consequences for his actions. On holiday he lost his share of spending money, he still had a great holiday, treats, and things bought, however the set amount my 3 children had to themselves, he had none. When he would take food, which would be my other childrens selection boxes, easter eggs, multi packs of choclate biscuits and crisps that were bought for all 3's lunches for the week, and items like that, my other children would have them replaced and extra treats to make up for it, he would go with out these and pocket money would be withheld to pay for them. Even as an older teenager you can lay down consequences, such as reduced internet access, and money, days out etc, without involving outside agencies. But if it is anything like my experience with my son, who is now in his 20's and still at home, though he disliked the consequence's, they didnt necessarily fix the behaviours, but he learned impulse control and it is now a thing of the past.

As above. I am trying to get adult services to find her suitable housing but it’s not easy (everything down to money), they are looking for suitable placements but so far have offered nothing.

I have calmed down and won’t be reporting her to the police, I was just close to breaking point as I have so much to deal with right now. She’s home from her dads now, I have had words with her about how that was my birthday money and wasn’t hers but there’s not much point in me doing much else (nothing sinks in).

I think OP has been getting some responses because at the top of the their was initially a bit unclear as to the severity of her daughter's condition. However reading on it's very clear that she has very much her best interests at heart and is struggling to find a workable solution, especially as she gets older.

I think those posters who are saying that they would never use such money for certain things or are astonished at her "only" getting 10£ a week, are naive as to what OP's situation is.

Nobody should be congratulating themselves publicly that they are saving their child's money because they find themselves in the position of not needing to use it. If that's what they are able to do then fine, but to try and shame someone who literally uses this money for what it is designed is ridiculous.
When OP talks about breakages, and I'm only hypothesising here, some posters seem to be envisioning replacing a broken ornament or mug, small household item etc, because that's what they imagine. They think that it's on a similar level to those who have NT children and accidents will happen.
Whereas in other ASD families it's more on the lines of constant damage of large and small of all types of things, doors getting dismantled or kicked in, appliances such as the washing machine or dishwasher being dismantled or broken for whatever reason while you nip to the toilet.

It starts to get irritating when people push for freedom to make choices when in reality what it means is freedom to let those choices damage both the individual and those around them. There's no way in hell I 'd be ok with my child eating raw meat or being able to run into the road if my back were turned a minute.

Haven't read the thread - apologies. Neurodivergent brains typically develop much more slowly. All brains keep developing until the age of 25. Executive function difficulties, like impulse control, can sometimes be helped with medication (eg. ADHD), but otherwise its a waiting game to see how far cognitive skills catch-up. These cannot be 'taught' if the issue is a lack of developmental capacity. In this case, Adults may need to manage aspects of the environment for the indiviudal.

I'd say talk to your local beat officer or PCSO. I used to work in police admin and I've known officers to go and have a chat about this sort of thing. If you get the right officer they will have a serious word with her without terrifying her.

You are asking for support not wanting to have her prosecuted I assume.

My neighbour's daughter has Prada Willi and it does sound similar.

Some very moving posts on here, people bearing witness to their own struggles and others supporting their own DC. I’d like to see some of the ignorant posters from earlier in the thread come back and say hey, I was wrong, I had no idea, sorry.

I agree.
Sadly some people feel they are autism aware when they only know a small amount about autism or they know someone who’s high functioning. The media has done a great job of showing people a lot of examples of autism but mainly high functioning. It’s a huge spectrum and often the most severe cases are not talked about. My dd isn’t the most severe but she will likely need 24/7 care for the rest of her life, I’ve spent years trying to teach her life skills in hope she will be able to live partly independently but now she’s 18 I don’t think it’s ever likely. Her sister is high functioning, is doing well at uni, it’s hard to believe that they both have the same disorder, they are the total opposite or each other. No 2 people with autism are the same.

Op I'd give the non emergency police line a ring and see if they could send somebody around for a chat....this might well scare her.

And yes, I don’t want her arrested or prosecuted, I have been told it would never happen anyway, she’s more likely to be sectioned.

She basically just needs to live elsewhere in supported living

My two children are autistic and I sympathise with your exhaustion and feeling like you are at the end of your tether, that no-one is actually helping and you have to fight for everything.

I absolutely apologise if this is a stupid question. I have every sympathy with you and am sending massive un-mumsnetty hugs in your virtual direction.

If she doesn't spend the money - could you ask her where it is?

Her dad seems to be getting off lightly. What does he mean he doesn't have room? If she stays with him anyway, where does she sleep, does she have a room there? I have no answers or real understanding of what you are going through but I'm sorry that it is so tough for you both.

She does hand it over when I ask her too. But will try and lie about having it. Sometimes I have to go looking for it which causes a lot of shouting. Today she was at her dads when I spotted the money missing so I messaged him and he asked her to hand it over, she handed it straight to him out of her purse.

Small mercy there then. I'm glad you got it back. I'm very sorry you're in this position and hope that a suitable placement can be found for DD soon x

She never stays with him over night, he has her one day a week (Sunday). He currently has a spare room but says all his things are in there and obviously she will take them. He makes no effort to make a safe space for her to stay and says he doesn’t feel he can keep her safe as he wouldn’t wake up when she does (she wakes at 5am), his flat is open plan so can’t lock the kitchen.

I worked at a special needs college we always had more females than males with prada willi.