To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

I don’t have an answer, but even if the police attended, what do you expect them to do? It is unlikely to change her significant behavioural issues that will take time and consistent approaches even if they can be fixed.

sorry you are having such a tough time.

She has access to food, I say ‘steeling’ as it’s food I have told her she can’t have….food for meals, raw meat, frozen fish fingers. She doesn’t just take a packet of crisps or an apple, she takes a whole block of cheese.

You don't consider stealing from shops and her college a crime? Is that something you do yourself then?

I believe so but no professionals seem to believe me and we have been offered no help.

With respect your dc probably don’t continuously raid the kitchen.
My friends dd had bulimia and friend had to lock food in the car boot because otherwise there would be nothing for the other dc for packed lunches etc.

And actually it is up to professionals to help because otherwise this teenager could end up homeless at 18 if her parents can’t cope anymore.

Hi OP,

I don't know the answer but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are having to cope with this. It sounds very difficult.

It sounds as though you need some cupboards with very heavy locks on them. Like a fridge freezer that can be locked with a motorbike chain, and a valuables cupboard with the same.

She sounds as though she'd make a good locksmith's assistant.

Sorry it's so hard.

Exactly. Steeling from a shop is a crime, steeling cash from someone’s purse is a crime. She’s not a small child, she an adult in a couple weeks. I’m sure most people don’t go around steeling stuff from shops or from peoples purses.

Of course I don’t want her to have a criminal record, I want her to get help, I want help and I’ve run out of things to try.

Does she take food over in her Dad's house?

Where does she get pocket money from, for lunches in college and bus fares?

Does she steal from others at college?

It would be considered a deprivation of Liberty.

@Lovemusic82 has anyone explored why she’s stealing? If it was just food or just money it would make more sense but looking into why she’s doing it would be useful in preventing it.

@Lovemusic82 I'm sorry you've had heartless replies on AIBU from posters with no experience of neurodiversity. Could you ask Admin to move your post to a different topic where you'll get more experienced answers. 💐

Yes, she comes home from her dads with lots of things and has come home with money that she has taken.

she gets £10 a week pocket money from me and she gets money for one meal a week at college (she has packed lunches on the other days)

I’m unsure if she steels from others at college, she steels art supplies and food from the food tech room. She stole some blank canvases a couple weeks ago and when approached by a teacher she lied and said they were hers from home. She was made to take them back the next day and apologise. She had drawn on one so I made her use her £10 pocket money to replace them. She steels left over food from the canteen (if someone leaves it in a table).

I wonder if they might be able to send a community police officer to speak to her OP?

Doubtful but you could always email and find out.

This, and to add to it the idiot pedant. The daughter is stealing, the op said she knows right from wrong. She needs consequences for what she has done, not a load of sarcastic ignorant mumsnetters being unkind.

I would post in special needs but previously I haven’t had many responses. She has to live in society with everyone else and although people need to be understanding of her autism I feel there’s no excuse for steeling from people, if she continues she will end up institutionalised and I don’t want that for her, she’s lovely, she’s intelligent and could possibly have a job one day if she can stop steeling.

She possible has PDA, she really can’t cope with asking for something incase the answer is ‘no’, she can’t handle the word ‘no’, for that reason she just takes things and hopes she won’t get caught. She also won’t ask for help if she’s struggling with something, wouldn’t be able to ask for help if she was injured or unwell. I do believe this is the cause of her steeling but I have no idea how to help her. I have tried rewarding her for asking for things but this isn’t working either. No professional seems to want to help, even though if we cracked this her future could be 100 times brighter.

It’s against her human rights IF you are keeping her prisoner and are her carer etc.

have they established capacity with her being able to make decisions etc? Or do you do that for her.

you can lock the kitchen as long as you are providing her with access to food
eg. Outside of meals times, there should be adequate water and healthy snacks for her to eat.

same with the front door. There should be a locking up time that she agrees to and recognises there is no exit or access outside those time unless agreed previously.

the same as if she was in a care home

I was just going to suggest the same thing as @KissMyArt. Does she understand about the police? Would she be sufficiently frightened if a police officer gave her a very strong talking-to about how its wrong to steal?

This is what I want. Or maybe a look around the police station to explain what would happen if she was arrested for shop lifting. I asked college to help me out and maybe organise a visit but they said ‘it’s not our call to make’. If I took her to the police station she would refuse to get out the car and would probably have a total meltdown.

Can you go to gp with her to try and get referral for ednos...and now shes 18 , adult counselling? Shes too old for CAMHS and yes they can be rubbish

I guess taking someone's leftover food off a table or tray isn't stealing as such. It's eating leftovers, but without asking.

If the punishment of restricting her pocket money/removing it isn't working, then might that contribute more to the problem.

Does she feels deprived? That is, in debates and rows with you does she accuse you of restricting her and depriving her?

Is £10 reasonable pocket money for a 17yr old? Would she go to the cinema or out for chips with a friend during the week?

Maybe they have a subsidised canteen to buy teas and coffees, or can make their own?

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I think asking the police for some advice is a good idea. She’s committing crimes regularly. At some point this will end up with police/ courts/ criminal justice getting involved. They might have some advice or signposts for you.

The surgery sounds like a big additional worry for you. Can DD go to her Dads for a period of time while you recover? It seems you do the majority of her care and admin, would he help?

Overall you need far more support but it will be hard to get. Also it might be worth pursuing the PW diagnosis. A girl I know has this and is also very oppositional. She doesn’t scavenge for food but does need to be very carefully managed.

If she knows right from wrong and steals because she can't stop herself, police speaking to her won't help- she already knows it's wrong and can't stop herself.

I know you can't access it at the moment, but it is professional help she needs to help her control her behaviour. Just being told it's wrong (again) won't do anything.

£10 is on top of money she has when she goes out with her respite carer, she get taken out once a week to the cinema or museum, usually with a trip to a cafe after. She can’t go out with friends, she doesn’t have friends, her social skills are pretty no existent. She needs 24 hour supervision from a carer/adult.

I don’t like taking things from her as a punishment because that’s kind of doing the same as what she’s doing but if she steels something and breaks it I do make her use her money to replace it because that’s the only way I can get her to see how things cost money.

She gets high rate PIP but at the moment most of it goes on replacing food she’s taken and replacing things she has broken at home.

I’d maybe lock up the bigger items OP and then leave open the snack cupboard with a limited number of healthy snacks and make sure raw and frozen foods are locked for her safety.

could possibly try the GP or save for private consult as it does seem you need some professional support.
as it’s not just stealing it’s the impulse control which is leaving to dangerous behaviours.
push with the adult social work team and if you don’t think your being adequately supported by your SW please contact their manager.

Her dad says he hasn’t got room for her and wouldn’t be able to keep her safe. He is offering one extra day to have her (first week after my surgery), he’s not a great support tbh.

I will pursue the PW diagnosis and ask for help through gp but it’s harder once she’s 18 as I have to apply to get power of attorney to be able to manage her medical stuff.

The surgery was a bit of a shock and I don’t have long to prepare so nothing will be in place in time as she’s moving from children services to adults, funding will stop for her respite on her birthday though adult services are trying to get something in place.

Could you just shop daily for food so there’s nothing for her to take once the food is eaten for the day.
I would look at getting a safe at home for valuables including putting your handbag in there.

As she knows it’s wrong it sounds like a compulsive behaviour that she can’t control so minimising the opportunity would probably help at the moment.