To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

I put it in her savings account atm as she’s not old enough to need money of her own. (Under 10)

Just why?

I will tell my mum not to bring cash in the house, she’s safer locking it in her car. My mum is pretty understanding but also gets shocked at how dd randomly pinches things. We often laugh about her pinching a block of cheese or a loaf of bread but some weeks she pinches so much it’s no longer something I can laugh off :(
dd knows how to make a sandwich but instead of doing that she will take the whole block of cheese and the bread to her room and hide it under her bed. She’s been know to take a block of cheese to college and eat it in the taxi 😬

Its frustrating, if I ask her what job she wants she says ‘chef’ she loves cooking but there’s no way she could be a chef because she would eat most of the food before it got onto a plate. I want her to be able to have some control and to be able to do work experience, to give her life more meaning.

You might want to check the rules on saving DLA 😬

It sounds like she's doing it to take some control over her life. Because there's so much she has no control over. Do you make all decisions for her? Choosing clothing what meals you have where she goes to etc.

No, she controls most things, she controls where we go, what we watch in tv, what we have to eat and what time we eat. She also controls when I go to bed ☹️, she chooses her own clothes too, why wouldn’t she?

I'm surprised by the responses on this thread especially by parents of autistic children who are autistic themselves.

OP has clearly stated her dd is severely autistic - as an autistic person with autistic children myself I understand this to be a person who cannot live independently or requires supported living due to needs, but will not live alone. How likely is she to successfully run her own home, manage finances, get a job unsupervised and full time??

OP I empathise with how difficult this is, but adding your operation into it must be making the stress so much worse. As the dad isn't offering tangible support, and services are being slow. Have you considered emailing the dad and social/GP/college - absolutely everyone involved with her - telling them that your having major surgery and your daughter requires accommodation whilst you recover stating the standard recovery time. Without this they will be knowingly placing both you and dd in danger as you will be unable to look after her whilst you recover and your recovery will be impacted as she is unable to care for herself as you yourself will struggle to meet your own needs without support. Ask them to confirm their duty of care and lawful responsibility to you and dd.

I’ve always allowed my DC’s to make their own choices (where possible), her sister is also on the spectrum but has never taken anything, she’s at uni and glad to be away from her sister.

DD2 loves routine, every day is pretty much the same and if anything changes she can’t cope. I’m not allowed to watch what I want on tv, I’m not allowed to go upstairs for a bath (she comes looking for me), I have to go to bed at the same time as her or she won’t go to sleep. She controls almost everything which is pretty typical of PDA.

Even getting a caution for shoplifting age 17 did not stop me .
I stole pens paper rulers rubbers from college , literally anything that wasn't nailed down ,I stole it ..
Food as well ,my earliest memory is being scolded at school for stealing snacks from the snack bowl that children put their break time snack in ...I never had a snack ,or anything snacky for lunch ,my mum kept me very short on food .. obviously because I was already fat before I could walk ..tbh ,when I got my autism diagnosis,I was worried they would say I had learning disabilities as well ,it's always been at the back of mind ,that I picked things up slower than everyone else .
I've never had the ability to see in to the future, consequences wise ..so it was pure .luck I only ever got a caution for the stealing .
I met and married my DH very early on ...and we had 4 DC...so had housekeeping and money ,so the stealing stopped ...but I did start with bulimia for the next 30 years ..
I always seem to need something to help me cope ,I think the stealing and the bulimia were both crutches looking back . Maybe a decent antidepressant would of filled that gap left by both ..but I could never tolerate them

This sounds appallingly bad, OP. I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation. I don't think there's anything anyone can suggest that you haven't already tried.

Contacting the local police station and asking if they have a community officer or have somone who can pop in for 10 minutes to have a chat may be worth trying.

Keep a small amount of cash on you (in pockets or a light cross body bag) at all times, so it just isn't there for your DD to steal. If you keep larger amounts or have lots of cards, is it possible to secretly get a small safe (like the types hotels have) and put it somewhere she can't reach/wouldn't look?

For the food, I think I would call SS bluff and lock the fridge. How would they know you've done it? And if they found out, what would they do? Say you're an unfit parent and move her into assisted accommodation? Much as you're struggling, I can hear in your posts how much you love your DD and wouldn't want her taken away, her living outside the family home may be something that's simply necessary for both of you to survive.

nottodaythanksanyway thank you for being understanding. The one thing that annoys me is that everyone assumes that all people with autism are the same, I mean Chris Packham manages with life pretty well? My dd is severely autistic, she will never live independently and will always need 24 hour care, she has severe sensory issues, severe language issues and has very little sense of danger. Until last year she was in a secure SEN school for her own safety.
I have spent the last week chasing adult services and not getting far, they are saying dd needs a financial check before they can put any care in place and that can take a while, they want to take part of her PIP to pay for any care she might need, they are telling me there are no over night respite spaces. I’ve looked at booking her on a week away through a private Sen school but they are booked up. She needs more time away from me and I need time away from here. Adult services are supposed to be looking for a housing solution for her but that’s going to take a while as it needs to be the right placement.

DD is amazing and I love her to bits but I’ve spent the last 18 years being her full time carer, i am unable to work or have any kind of a life, I also feel dd is ready to be away from me. She sees her sister at uni and she wants similar (to live away from home).

Was it a control thing for you? I think it’s become a bit of an addiction for dd and I think she possibly gets a buzz out of not getting caught? Do you think there was anything that would have stopped you doing it?

OP I am only suggesting this as its something that's come across my radar twice in the last week, but there is an amazing supported living place near me, called Camphill. There are a number of these Camphill communities across the country, and they are designed for people with autism, learning disabilities etc, to live and work more independently but with plenty of structured support around them.

There are probably long waiting lists for places, and I don't even know if your DD would meet their criteria, but it might be worth looking in to.

I don’t think police would help. You’ve made me think of a criminal client we had when I was a trainee solicitor over 30 years ago. She had learning difficulties and lived with her mum. It was all petty shoplifting eg lipsticks. She had a criminal record going on for years. She didn’t even qualify for legal aid but solicitor used to go to court with her and her elderly mum for free. All her offences were local except a few in Staffordshire, I can remember asking why and that was when she’d been sent on a course to address her shoplifting! Her poor mum was in such despair, no help.

I worked with autistic adults for a while OP, they lived full time in a residential facility with 24 hr live in care. I understand you want to keep her local but is it worth widening the net to see if there is anything suitable a little bit further away?
The adults that lived there didn't care if they had visits from family or not, they were far too focused on keeping their routine, is it possible you think she would miss you more than she might do in reality?
Obviously you know your daughter but don't feel guilty if you can't carry on with the level of care you have provided for the last 18 years, it's a lot!

Thank you, I will take a look. I have another place a friend recommended to me to look at also. She is moving educational placement in September (if we get the goahead) but it’s not residential, it is a placement where she can safety do work experience and a much more relaxed environment than the college she’s attending at the moment. She isn’t coping at college at all, it’s too noisy and busy, she has walked out once and ended up crossing some very busy roads. I feel the stress of college is making the stealing a lot worse, she does it more when she’s stressed. It usually calms down during the summer when she’s home.

I do wonder if these places are allocated by need. It may require OP to state that she isn't coping and needs DD to move out in order for a space to be allocated. I also know that getting a place like this close by is difficult - many of the families who visited residents in the places I worked in had to travel a good distance.

I agree that this sounds like a good solution, especially as DD also is keen to move out, and it would allow OP to claim her life back.

Great solution all round, if it can be pulled off.

I agree, it’s adult services that want to keep her close to home. I want her to be in a community but it doesn’t necessarily have to be where we live.

What are you talking about? There are no rules that say you can’t save DLA.

This is about money, OP. It's cheaper for her to be at home (for them).

You might have a bit of a fight on your hands in this regard but you're well in your rights to stand up for yourself, and DD, if this sounds like the best option for both of you.

Social worker/adult services. I was told i ant lock doors because it stops her having access to food and drink if she needed it

This is nonsense and the social worker doesn't know what she's talking about. You are feeding her and giving her enough to drink. No-one "needs" to snack. What if she gets into the kitchen and there's no food to steal because she's take it all previously? No-one would claim you have to keep stocking up to give her more to steal.

At most, give her a couple of snacks and a couple of small cartons of fruit juice or bottles of water in the mornings, tell her that's her lot for the day, lock the kitchen.

Food ..my dad was a big man ,my mum tiny .I was early and in an incubator,she says the doctor told her to put double the formula in the water for my bottles,so i was very quickly a big heavy baby ,. growing up cupboards were padlocked ,food was counted ,and everything I was in trouble for eating.
The weight piled on because I found other ways to sneak or steal food ,I can remember hiding empty cereal bowels under my bed because I was scared she would know I had eaten a bowl of cereal...so food was always going to be an issue and I have wondered if I have prad willis syndrome,but apparently it effects sexual organs and reproduction and as I have 4 DC ,I assume I can't have that .
The more I was stopped from getting food ,the more important it became to me ,the more they counted the crisps packets ,the more I stole them and hid the wrappers down the sides of chairs .
For my kids ,the food is in the cupboard,it's first come first served ,I buy plenty of everything everyone likes and I take no notice of what anyone eats ..it's just food ,they go down for bowels of cereal in the night ...whatever ..I refuse to have my children think that food is of any importance in their lives other than filling empty bellies ...we don't comment on what anyone eats ,we don't complain if food is wasted ,or eaten quickly..food does not have any power over my kids ....sadly still does me thou
Stealing ...I was very worried my children would steal and I probably over compensated by giving them a lot of money and very rarely saying no to anything..so they always had access to plenty of money ..that could of backfired and they could of got into drugs or smoking or alcohol,I was very lucky they didn't.
Honestly..I was a very disturbed child and the stealing was probably the tip of the iceberg..but I had witnessed a lot of domestic violence,.
Like I said before,I think the stealing was a crutch to cope ,and I was very immature and didn't ever think things through

I strongly suggest you consult lawyers specialising in community care who have a legal aid contract. You may well be able to get help through legal aid in your daughter's name if you don't qualify in your own right. I suspect that the threat of court action to enforce your daughter's right to proper care services will push social services into a less leisurely approach.

You can find details here - https://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/?postcode=SW1H+9AJ&name=&search=&categories=com

Springpug I’m sorry you had such a tough childhood. I try not to stop dd from having access to food, I’m happy for her to take what she needs but often she doesn’t eat what she takes (just hides it) and finding a block of mouldy cheese under her bed is always a lovely surprise 😬. At the moment I only lock the kitchen at night, I did out a lock on the fridge but it’s not used because it’s a pain having to unlock it every time I want to get the milk out. She makes her own breakfast as soon as we get up, she can chose what she likes, she then helps to make her lunch box choosing what she wants to go in there. When she gets home she often gets a snack and then has a full cooked meal. It’s more the random weird things she pinches, uncooked food, she even took a whole pizza to her dads the other day 🙄 and ate it uncooked. The kitchen gets locked when I go to bed because she wakes at 5am and will take food that’s not safe for her to eat. I try not buying too much but then she will take the food I was planning to cook for out evening food and I have to go without food. We don’t live close to shops so I can’t always just pop out and replace it.
last year I took on an allotment so she could grow her own food but she’s not shown much interest.

I don’t want to make food a big issue so most the time we just laugh about it and move on, it’s more the steeling of other things especially money, items from college and from shops. Dd wants to be able to work, she wants to live in her own house but it’s just not possible as she would end up being arrested for stealing, if she lived alone she would just go and walk into a shop and take things without thinking about it.

Zyq thank you, I will speak legal advice. I just have so much going on right now with my own health and worrying that I might not even be here in a years time for dd. I’m trying to get as much as I can in place incase anything happens to me because at the moment I am all dd has.