To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

It's not obvious that the police would be helpful in this situation.

There are a few things you could possibly do:

If she needs access to food and drink at all times make a box of food and drink and leave it in the dining room. Drinks could just be tap water in refillable water bottles. You could then lock the kitchen.

Also I think you probably need to make more of a distinction between taking things and stealing.

The police are not going to prosecute a child for eating food their mum told them not to eat. Or an adult for that matter. It's also not stealing. Eating without permission is not a crime.

Also, if she eats other people's leftovers, most people would not regard that as stealing.

If she struggles due to her SN to ask people for permission to use/take something would a card work? Along the PECs lines?

Also, buy a hotel style safe for your bedroom.

https://www.safesecurityservices.co.uk/safes/small-compact.html?gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgI3C9MXGhAMVU5FQBh0rLAv0EAAYAiAAEgIqRPDD_BwE

You could also put a lock on your bedroom door. (She is not being locked in, you are.)

LTB.

I wouldn’t be reporting her for steeling food from the kitchen 🙄. She stole cash from my purse.

She has access to food. I even bought her a mini fridge for her room but she ate and drank everything in a hour of having it. She doesn’t just take a packet of crisps or a cereal bar, she takes as much as she can carry, often full blocks of cheese, tins of baked beans or a whole loaf of bread. I often go to cook dinner and the items I need are gone, or I go to make her lunch box and she’s taken the whole loaf of bread.

She has access to PEC’s cards and communication aid on her iPad but won’t use them (she did when she was younger but not often for asking for things).

I have locks on bedroom doors (not here) she’s managed to open them with a screwdriver. At the moment my bedrooms locked and she can’t get in there but eventually she will find a way.

she often takes things she has no use for so it’s not just about food she wants to eat. She steels random items and hides them under her bed. She’s taken my earrings but doesn’t have her ears pierced (she doesn’t want them done). I often find a whole cake hidden under her bed, she doesn’t always eat what she’s taken.

I’d also recommend getting in touch with your local community police, explain the situation to them and have them come out to speak to her.

Don’t ring 999 obviously and I also wouldn’t bother taking her to the police station as they are far too busy to spare time for a chat, but definitely get in touch with local community officer. My aunt has been in a very similar situation with her son, he has been known to take money from family without asking, runs away and then reappears when it suits him, smashes the house up including TV’s etc. She reached out to community officers at the end of her tether and they came out to speak to him, I think it gave him a bit of a fright and he realised how serious his behaviour had been. In addition though, they were able to open doors in terms of some other support so it could be helpful in multiple ways x

Social services are talking out of a hole in their head about the locking the doors…your daughter’s (with additional needs) right to be kept safe is way stronger than her “human right” to get out of the house

Try google

I empathise with trying to transition from children's to adult services. It's not easy. Personally I don't think the police will be able to frighten her out of it but having g it explained what would happen if she got arrested may give her pause. If the anxiety around asking is greater than the anxiety about being arrested it won't.

Can you ask for an assessment of PDA and also compulsive behaviour?
And keep pushing adult services for supported living and respite.

We had a similar situation with my sd. Stealing all sorts from us. Including cash and food too both here and at mums.
I would suggest hiding any cash, hiding handbags etc and put cctv in all communal areas of the house.
I left nothing out and when I did a shop hid food like snacks etc in my car so only fruit and maybe two packs of crisps/chocolate left out.
Never stopped it but controlled it.

That was my thought.

My mum took me to the police station for stealing age 14 ,I started stealing as soon as I started school ,taking food out of other childrens lunch boxes.
I stole things my whole life ,I never understood why ..I still don't really.
Last year I was diagnosed with autism,age 50 .
I finally stopped stealing around my early 20s ...that was the point I actually had money from my job ,so was able to the things I would of just stolen.
So I had been stealing money regularly from my mum and step dad and they decided to take me to the police station,and ,I thought they were going to leave me there ,so I attempted suicide,and spent 3 days in hospital.
That was actually the start of numerous suicide attempts,it just seemed to set me off on that path
So I don't think taking your dd to the police will have the effect your after .
But you know her best

I don’t get the locked door thing? Surely most people lock their front doors to stop others getting in? Both our back/front doors are always locked, same as our cars. Neither of us is trying to imprison the other, just stop burglars. Don’t see how SS could make this into an issue requiring a court order as it must be how 95%+ of the population live.

I do as well it's more of a safety thing though in our house. Often he goes from the warm living room into the kitchen where it's not so warm and has a seizure.

Lock the kitchen. Keep your valuables in there.

Let her social worker know you'll be doing this. If they still feel it's a breach of her human rights, they can find somewhere else for her to live.

Which would help you post surgery too.

Where is her pip money
Your only giving her £10 a week
That's why I was stealing,I was kept so short of money
£10 a week at nearly 18 is shockingly controlling of you
Let her have her pip money it's hers by right
You may well find with enough money and no control over what she spends it on ,the stealing will stop ,it did with me ,see my above post

Because when you lock the door at night everyone usually knows where the key is and how to unlock it if there was a fire? So I have been told. I’m just going by what adult services have told me. Apparently having the choice to leave the house when ever you like is a human right, the same as having access to food and drink is.

Ah, ok that makes more sense in that context.

I think the police may be sympathetic but would suggest you deal with it as a family rather than give your daughter a criminal record. I know that's not much help but maybe it could initiate a conversation about them (the police) contacting Social Care/safeguarding team.

I think you know it won't change anything.

Plus it was a bit of cash, from family, and you have it back, so what exactly would they be investigating?

I can see why you might want to 'put the wind up her' so to speak and perhaps scare her into stopping, but the Police are not for that service.

Her PIP money goes on the things she breaks, replacing the meals she’s eaten, trios out, her mobility car, respite trips out, clothes (she gets through a lot), £800 a year travel costs to college, special footwear (£100+).

she’s severely autistic, she’s not allowed access to her PIP, she doesn’t go to shops alone, she doesn’t have anywhere to spend it. do you have a severely disabled child? 🤔

£10 pocket money per week isn’t very much considering I assume you’ll be in receipt of £400 DLA a month or more? If she’s almost 18 she will be entitled to this very soon, you need to start giving it to her and not keeping it as it is rightly hers.
You can’t restrict her access to food but you can lock away the raw ingredients if she is at danger of eating them as that’s dangerous. Other healthy foods should be available to her as and when she wants/needs them. You can’t stop a 17 year old getting a snack, I wouldn’t even do that to my autistic 7 year old.

It might be worth contacting your neighbourhood police team. Maybe a PCSO could try getting through to her.

Exactly.

Who won't allow her access to her pip money
Your deciding what she spends it on
She does have somewhere to spend it ...all the things she's stealing ,if she had her money and was regularly taken to the shops ste could buy the things she is stealing
You are not giving her chance to stop stealing and buy things normally by controlling her money
Autism IS a communication disorder,it not poor intelligence,
Yes I have two DC with diagnosis of autism and two DC showing signs of autism
I am autistic,and I explained to you up thread I was stealing all the time too , because I was kept so short of money
I actually got a caution for shoplifting age 17 , because I had no money to buy what I needed .