To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

*genuine question

but the setting on my iphone has changed. it used to automatically make a capital after a full stop for example. now it doesn’t. how do i revert back?!*

No idea, but in the meantime don't monitor other peoples spelling?

Or try google?

That's completely unfair. My daughter is 16 and doesn't break things, need a mobility car, special shoes that cost 100 quid, or need more clothes than the average teenager. Plus I'm able to work full-time as I don't have a disabled daughter. Totally unnecessary comment, and ignorant as that IS what PIP is for.

@Lovemusic82 I think it's going to be difficult to get advice on here as most people - including myself - don't have the same experience. I clicked on this title as my older (now adult) daughter used to steal food a lot, but that was because she's bulimic, so what worked in our situation won't work for you. I wonder if there are any local support groups you could join? Or Facebook groups? I know a friend of mine with 2 autistic kids found a lot of support on a Facebook group.

Like you said earlier
Autism IS a huge spectrum,and every autistic person is very different.
Has anyone looked at a residential college for her ,it might bridge a gap before assisted living.
Mumsnet can vouche for me ,as I've discussed all this on other threads ..but my eldest is a lot more autistic than I am ,and I am trying to get assisted living for him ,but his social worker blocks us at every turn ..the difficulty I have is he wants to stay home and never leave ,he won't wash ,or change his clothes,and a huge issue for me is smell, I can detect a smell a mile off .so it makes life difficult.
My son has qualifications coming out of his ears ..but does no more for himself than he did age 12 ...he just got to 12 and nothing changed except he got plenty of qualifications..I'm tired of doing everything for him ...
He has thousands of his pip all saved up , because if I gave it him he would spend it on gold ..so once you explained,and I got of my high horse ,I do understand completely.and sympathise enormously

This sounds so hard, and it's clear that many people on this thread have no idea what it's like to care for someone with a disability.

It does sound like your DD has a compulsive disorder, rather than choosing to do something wrong. It's very unlikely that you'll ever know why she does this and overcoming deep compulsions requires long term expert help. I don't know if there's a medical term in addition to her current diagnoses or if it would help. If it might potentially mean that other services could be offered to her, is it worth asking about?

It does sound like you need to have PoA for finances and health for her.

Your own health problems make this so much harder. Most people would want to focus on themselves, but you're trying to help your daughter. This must all be so hard to deal with.

I feel harsh calling you unreasonable, as I think you sound like a loving DM who is at the end of her tether and is not getting any support, but please don't report your DD to the police.

If the police don't do anything, all that will happen is your relationship will be damaged and she will never trust you again. If the police do take it seriously then you will be giving her a criminal record that will probably prevent her ever working in a shop or being given any job that involves handling money.

I don't see any possible upside for either of you.

Good luck!

Yes, report her, it may do the trick but we wont know until that route is tested.

I know it’s pathetic isn’t it. And some of the other responses from her not at all helping either

Op, absolutely do it, if only for them to come and have a chat with her about it.

As for CAHMS, what are you expecting them to do? You’re her parent, you parent her not CAMHS or school.

It's shocking the lack of understanding of how severe autism can be; I know this is not the SEN Board but FFS is this a representative sample of the complete lack of knowledge let alone empathy people have? What is the OP expecting CAMHS to do FFS?! Their bloody job that's what. Keeping children like OP DD supported and safe, referring to other agencies, supporting that referral. Same as adult social services. All agencies working together to help OP care for her disabled DD.

OP I hate to ask but do you think the transition to adult services might help, like a time when everything can be reviewed? I strongly suggest you get whatever you need in place first though.

I work with adults with learning disabilities in shared houses with support.
We are not allowed to lock for example the kitchen door of a night even though someone we support may go in and choke on something due to it being a deprivation of their liberty. That unfortunately are the rules unless like OP said we get permission.
l think you need to tell social worker (if you have one) that for your own health they will need to find DD supported living accommodation and that you can no longer care for your DD. No one can do what you are doing 24/7.
In a supported living situation staff go home after a shift to relax and refuel for next shift, you do not get this option.
Your council and social services have responsibility to do this (but will be quite happy for you to carry on with no or little help.)
I’ve seen it be the making of some of the people we support, and when you visit your DD it’s quality time with her and you can rebuild your relationship together.

Springpug sorry you are going through similar with ds. My dd is pretty smelly at times too, when I ask her to put deodorant on she often refuses, getting her to was/bath isn’t that easy either. Luckily she wants to live on her own or somewhere similar to where her sister lives (halls) because she wants what her sister has. I don’t think she would miss me as such, she would miss her routine for a while until she settled into a new one. She loves being around other teenagers as long as they are not too noisy, though she doesn’t really talk to anyone. I love her to bits but I feel we both need our own space now and I need my life back.

No, you should not attempt to get your disabled child a criminal record, I would have thought that was quite obvious. Primarily because the police will do nothing except wonder why you are calling them in to parent your child.

This was my thought too, I have to say

My son is 22 and when adult services start with their shit I say that perhaps him continuing to live here isn't in his best interests, that he is an adult and they have a duty to care for him so if they aren't happy with the way I'm doing things, perhaps they would prefer to fund him living in a group home with 2:1 24/7 support from people trained in restraint and dealing with complex, challenging and aggressive behaviours. By the time I'm asking how much they think that's going to cost them every week for the rest of his life, they're backing the fuck off.

How is it not a crime?

But it appears that the OP's dd has more than autism?

What do you think CAHMs are for?

Is there a local youth offending team who can discuss the long term implications of stealing with her?

Some really nasty comments on here suggesting OP is financially abusive.

PIP money is to cover the additional costs due to disability - that includes extra food she’s eating, things she’s breaking, trips out, special footwear etc everything OP has listed, not just to give her to waste of bloody Pokemon cards!

Also it doesn’t sound like she’s stealing because she needs more money, it sounds like an addiction/ mental issue. She’s even stolen uncooked food, that isn’t the actions of someone who needs more money. I think it’s much more complex that that.

Pop to your local police station and ask if a PSCO can have a chat with her. Maybe someone in uniform will give her the jolt she needs.
And I get they are busy, but preventative measures should save them time later.
Or, try and get her to accompany you to the station.

@Strangeness yes this.

This might be a really silly suggestion, but rather than reporting her for theft maybe phone or pop into your local police station and ask to speak to one of the community police officers. If you explain that your daughter has SEN and MH issues but you are worried about this pattern of behaviour they may be willing to call round and have the serious chat with her without you having to report that a crime has been committed.

My DD got into the habit for a few months of leaving school grounds when she got upset, and the community officers were brilliant

Great minds think alike! 😁

Thanks you to ,I feel extra bad , because I clearly gave it him ,and now I've had enough and need him in supported living we are blocked ..we have woken up at 4 am with the house full of gas , because he's turned all the gas on in the kitchen..so to solve that we changed to electricity and he's luckily left it alone .
I also lock the front door to keep him in , because he goes out and tells the neighbours of for running their car engines ,and I have to go over after and apologise,and it's mortifying ,and I have a tendency to go mute ,which just adds to my distress when I'm having to apologize for him
I also get frustrated because I think ,we have the same diagnosis,and my childhood was awful ,where as he has had my full support,full EHCP , special school ,tutors ,I fought like an ally cat for him ,but maybe that made him do nothing for himself..maybe I tried to hard ...no one tried anything for me ..it was sink or swim ,and I had to choose to swim ..I feel resentment that he had all this support and he still can't pull himself together...and we are so different,I wonder how on earth we are both autistic,he's 25 ,and sometimes we are the blind leading the blind .
I'm going to have to name change after all this I've wrote

Thank you to those who have offered good advice and those who are understanding of my situation. At the moment I am mentally and physically exhausted, trying to cope with dd and my upcoming surgery which will put me out of action for 6 weeks or more.

Dd will be home soon, I have calmed down a little, I don’t know what to say to her as I doubt anything will make a difference. It’s frustrating but I know it’s possibly something she has very little control over.

I will continue to push adult services for a residential setting or assisted living. I will tell my mum not to bring money into the house when she comes to look after dd. My mum hasn’t cared for dd overnight since I last had a small surgery (a long time ago) so I think she’s going to struggle as DD’s routine is pretty ridged and usually involves me. I’m hoping I will only be in hospital a couple nights but we shall see.