To report dd to the police for steeling?

[Lovemusic82]

Not an easy one but I feel I have tried everything and have posted about dd many times before. Dd has autism, her understanding and language skills are not great, she attends a SEN unit at the local college (but is struggling), despite her poor understanding in some areas she does know right from wrong. Since she was small she’s had an issue with taking things that are not hers, she knows they are not hers, she’s knows she’s not allowed to take them but she just can’t help herself (CAHMs have been useless as have other professionals). Mainly she takes food but there have been times where she’s taken my jewellery, make up from my room, she has been caught steeling from a shop whilst out with school and has attempted several times to steel whilst we have been out. This morning she took £40 from my purse (not the first time), it was my birthday money and she knew this as she saw me receive it. Before I noticed I had already given her a warning after steeling food several times this morning after she had her breakfast. I threatened to send her to live with her dad (even though he wouldn’t agree to this).

I am having major surgery in 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to care for dd, I have been trying to prepare her, trying to encourage her to help me out more and to be a bit more mature (and to stop taking things), my mum will be staying for a week when I’m in hospital and I’m worried dd will steel from her. Dd is almost 18, adult serves are being useless and not sorting respite or suitable accommodation for dd. LEA are also being useless trying to sort a new placement for her. I’m just at the end of my tether and I have tried everything other than calling the police on her. I’m fed up of so called professionals telling me to give her more responsibility, to give her money of her own (I have tried this), I’ve been told I can’t lock her out of my kitchen with out going to court to get permission despite her giving herself food poisoning several times from eating raw food. She’s over weight, she steels food at college and has even been found rummaging in a bin for food.

would i be unreasonable to report her to the police for steeling from my purse? I just don’t know what else to do as no punishment ever works despite her dramatic reactions when I do punish her.

I'm sorry but you are responsible for paying for her clothing, food, trips etc - all of out teenagers cost us a fortune in food, clothing etc. Some of her PIP money needs to go to her OR she needs more agency over what it is spent on when out shopping etc with an adult.

Does she have her own purse, with money in it? It might help her to stop being tempted?

Let her live with her dad

Yes, she should be given access to her own money. £10 a week at almost 18 is financial abuse

Springpug sorry for sounding harsh. It’s just she’s not steeling the money to spend, she never goes anywhere alone so doesn’t really have the opportunity to spend large amounts of money. She has her own money, she has a bank account, she has £10 a week which she spends on either pens or Pokémon cards, she has between £10 and £30 a week to spend on respite days out with her carer, she has £5 to spend in the canteen which she uses once a week and I often buy her things at the weekend. Her dad often gives her £10 too or buys her Pokémon cards. All she wants to spend money on is Pokémon cards (her fixation). I can’t afford to give her more, her PIP is eaten up with everything else. I give her opportunities to earn money but she refuses to do anything.

Those saying the police won’t do anything be careful. DS (12) sent some ill advised messages to a friend during an argument and the parents involved the police. It was a very poor joke on his part which his friend knew but the police were awful. I thought they’d give him a telling off which would make him realise he can’t behave like that but they gave him a community resolution order which will stay in his record for life and will show up in an enhanced DBS. It was horrific.

Yes but as another poster has stated, the PIP money is not for general costs, it’s for them alone. You’re saying she’s ‘stolen’ £40 from you when you’re in fact stealing her benefit money for the household. Clothing, school travel etc should be paid from your household budget not her personal PIP.

She does have her own purse with her own money. As I said above she doesn’t need the money she pinches. If I gave her access to all her PIP I would not be able to afford to have her living at home because I would have to pay for all the other things she’s uses, breaks, needs, days out with carers etc.., I’m already skint because I can’t work full time as she’s only at college part time. She goes nowhere alone so can’t spend the money unless me or her carer is with her. When she goes out with her carer I give her money as well as paying for the activity they are doing (cinema, bowling etc..).

Ok
No problem
You know best ,your her mum
All I know ,is I just naturally stopped stealing when I had a job ,and money
It didn't last long ,the job ..but having money stopped the stealing .
I didn't mean to sound harsh either .
Honestly I can remember being so utterly terrified being taken to the police station..so please any thing other than that x

Kids of all ages use, break and need things. As parents that’s a cost you take on. I have an autistic child so I understand your situation fully but this isn’t right. She’s almost an adult and entitled to her PIP.

Getting annoyed with this now. PIP is to cover additional costs for being disabled, which is what I use it for. I’m happy for you to come and live my shitty life living in fuck all. The £40 was my birthday money, from my dad, to treat myself to something nice which I rarely do. Dd saw my dad give me the money.

Maybe go and look at what PIP is for.

I’m in a very similar situation, single mum to an autistic child. I know the ins and outs of DLA and PIP. Morally I wouldn’t personally take that money from my child. But that’s your decision and I can see you’re not for budging.

I don’t want to make her scared of the police. It’s a hard thing to know how to deal with isn’t it? I’m just desperate to find something that works, because at the moment she won’t ever be able to have a job because she will steel from her work place. She doesn’t often steel money, it’s happened 4 times, once she took £200 holiday savings which she tried to put in a charity box whilst we were out 😬 so it has nothing to do with spending it on herself.

What have you tried in terms of actual consequences for her OP? So say the £40 she’s taken from your purse, what was the consequence? When she comes home with something she has stolen from college, what happens? What is the punishment in those cases?

What am I taking from her? The money goes on her respite trips out, activities for her? Her taxi to college? Specialist shoes? Food?…….all things she needs.

I can’t pay for those things out of my money, I don’t have money because I’m her full time carer. If I don’t replace the food we won’t have nothing to eat. Your situation isn’t the same as mine, just because you have a child with autism.

Disability is such a spectrum . I am nominated to manage my kids pip. I do not give it all to him. Ops daughter may be vulnerable to exploitation were she to have all the pip. Every household is different. Not all of us are able to have kids that can manage all of their pip, or don't wreck the house.
Op, re your surgery, you may just have to be blunt with your mum and tell her to only bring items that she doesn't mind being stolen.

The PIP money isn't just her pocket money to spend on what she wants. It's for expenses due to her disability. If she goes anywhere with her carer the money for the carer has to come out of the disabled persons money. As well as a charge for mileage if traveling by car. It doesn't necessarily have to be spent how she wants. If they are low income carer might use some to pay heating costs. Because I'm sure you would agree it's more important the disabled person has a warm home than spending it on what she wants. As well as if she damages anything belonging to them or somebody else.

She doesn’t respond to any punishments, never has. last week she stole something so I cancelled our day out, it made no difference even though she hates staying in (she loves going for a drive in the car listening to music). I haven’t seen her since she stole the money as she’s at her dads, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it when she gets home because I’ve tried everything. My fear is for her future, she has no future whilst she steels everything, I’m scared of how I’m going to cope with her after surgery and I’m scared if I have to have further treatment. No one wants to care for her or take her for the day because of how she is. We were at my mums last week and she randomly just picked up something and put it in her pocket, she didn’t even know what the item was and it was of no use to her.

I pay for my child’s taxi to school from my universal credit/small wage. Same with clothing and special clothing she needs, yes she goes through them at crazy rates because she has bowel accidents etc so new clothes every month. Special seamless clothing that costs the earth as I’m sure you know. Etc.

Im also classed as a full time carer, I work part time whilst she is at school as I need the extra money. I get no child maintenance or help from her dad.

Eating ingredients for meals..as I’ve said can you lock the fridge and keep a range of healthy snacks on the kitchen table for her?

I’m not having a go, I do sympathise with you. My daughter has also been known to steal small toys and items from school which I later find in her pockets.

And if I let her spend her PIP on what she wanted she would blow £600 on Pokémon cards. She hasn’t got the capacity to make choices with money. She doesn’t even understand where money comes from or it’s worth. I am assigned as her appointee to make sure the PIP goes in the things she needs to improve her life and support her disabilities. Mentally she’s about 9 years old. Would you give your 9 year old £600 a month to blow on what they want? I don’t think so 🤔

You corrected someone else's spelling and then used the phrase "revert back"!

But that’s what her DLA is for. Are you saying you let her spend her DLA on what ever she wants?

Yes my DN has had money go missing from his account. Some so called friends took advantage of him. He is in sheltered housing but they let him have too much freedom. So his mum took back control of his account. When she looked through the bank statements there was online orders made which we know my DN wouldn't know how to make. If he wants anything he sees online he asks his mum or dad to order it. So now he can only withdraw a limited amount and the so called friends want nothing to do with him now they can't use him as a cash cow.

So what punishments have you tried? And are they applied consistently? E.g. EVERY single time something is taken, there is a direct consequence, every single time without fail.

In addition have you tried counselling? Your daughter I mean, not for yourself. If we assume that this is something similar to kleptomania, in the sense that it’s more the “thrill” of taking something rather than actually wanting or needing that thing (as in your example at your mums house, she didn’t know what it was but took it, so clearly it’s about the actual theft itself rather than wanting that item) it is quite commonly known that there is usually a reason behind the stealing and therapy can help pull that reason out and reveal it. Once you have the reason behind it of course you can then tackle it at it’s root and once you do that you find the stealing stops because the stealing was really a symptom of an issue.

As an example for some people it’s about attention, they know they’ll be punished or told off for stealing BUT they thrive on that attention as they maybe don’t get much attention otherwise. For other people it’s about control, if they feel they have little to no control over their lives then stealing gives them some control back, the thrill of just TAKING something. There are lots of possible reasons and therapy could help get to the bottom of what the actual reason is x

Have you considered applying for her to live in shared, sheltered accommodation with other vulnerable adults?

I used to work for such a company. The residents had a lovely life with 24 hour cover, staff who genuinely loved them like family, well managed monies & meds, holidays, nights out etc.

I can understand why you'd feel like the future is going to be difficult for both of you and that your position is helpless. If you can't manage this for another 20 years or more and you worry about her future then this could be something to consider. We had many parents who weren't coping at home but who then could foster better relationships with their adult DCs once they had moved out.

Something to think about, maybe.