To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

Personally I would have just passed them on.

He went to you with a mental shopping list then got pissed off that you won’t give him free stuff? YANBU. He should have waited for you to offer, but put you in an awkward position instead.

Thank you all for your replies and opinions.

I can't remember the conversation verbatim but I did say (or felt like I said) my response in a more casual way than 'I'd like money for x, y and z. As a PP said, I was caught on the hop and was slightly taken aback that they were asking in a round about way for said items.

It was never my intention to sell them the things because obviously it's made things awkward. It would be much easier for me to sell the items to strangers and keep it as a business transaction and recoup the money that way. The only reason I mentioned money was because it was my flustered response to try and explain why I wouldn't be able to gift them. I was put in an awkward position and just blurted it. I figured at the time that it was more polite to say they could have the things at the cost I would have sold them for anyway, rather than 'I do have them but I'm selling them to someone else'. I didn't want them to feel like I was declining them the things full stop, if that makes sense?

Reread the OP. It was DH who suggested loaning items, not DB and SIL. They absolutely thought they should have everything without paying for it.

You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t offer to gift them the stuff, you were put it an awkward situation.
if someone asks rather than being offered they shouldn’t expect it for nothing.

I guess you could just say you wanted to recoup some of your costs for those bigger items as baby stuff is so expensive (which is true) if the subject comes up again as you have other items you need to buy

My sister has given me a lot of baby stuff for free. Stuff she bought brand new for my kids and stuff she used for her kids which were still in great condition. There was never any expectation to pay money for the items and it helped us greatly.

If you absolutely can’t afford to gift it to your brother then be honest and say you would have loved to, but unfortunately money is tight and hence you intend to sell it on. Is your brother doing alright financially? If he was struggling too, he would wonder why you can’t sell the things on later after his kids have used it. I understand that it might not be in a good condition after that but wouldn’t it be good to help your sibling if you could.

The pram fair enough, they do resell but most other things don't sell for anything close to 25% of rrp and some things eg car seats you aren't allowed to sell officially.

It sounds as if your reply might have been a little tactless, but when you’re put on the spot you don’t always have time to dress things up nicely. You’re not being unreasonable, in any shape or form, to hope to recoup some of the money you have spent. I do think you might be being slightly optimistic about how much you’ll get back, and frankly I’ve always found it’s a PITA to sell stuff on, but if you can do it, then absolutely go for it.
Family don’t get to “demand” free stuff from family, whether you are “close” or not. I’d love to be able to see my own siblings once a month though, once in a year is a good year for us, because of distance 😞.

YANBU I personally would never charge for my childrens used items. I always gave them away to less well off younger members of my family. (Lots of cousins) I wouldn't have asked for money but I also wasnt in serious need of money. (I have been there in the past and understand.)

 Your children are your number one priority. Prioritizing their needs over your brothers child is your job. Your most important job is putting them first. So if you need the money, sell the stuff. They shouldnt have come around hinting about it without realistic expectations. (I always offer money even when someone gives me something.  I try to pay my way and never want to feel I owe anyone. When you go in with that mindset, anything that is really freely given is that much nicer.)

Where do you live that you’re not allowed to sell car seats?

It’s really not advised to buy a car seat from someone you don’t know here, but there’s zero ban on selling them.

I offered a small amount for DB's DC's cot and they gave me a heap of small stuff free. I sold the cot, plus pram (bought new so sold for a good price) & baby swing etc. and bought my 2nd DC a nice bed. We couldn't afford to give it all away then pay for the bed out of our pocket. I do help out with clothes, linens etc for free.

I refuse to give anything to a friend who we've helped out a LOT. We're constantly asked if we'd like something then told how much it will cost. No freebies there!

In your case, due to the uncomfortable conversation, I would loan them many of the items but not expect them to come back in a saleable condition..
If there is anything that you would have sold that they now insist on paying something for the lend, accept their offer and say you don't want it back.
The thing with second hand baby things is that they sometimes don't meet with new standards, need to be professionally cleaned at a high cost and can be needing new parts, wheels, paint etc.

Sometimes they make money on Marketplace and sometimes they sit on nature strips and end up in the tip.

You can sell used car seats but they are generally not that popular and I struggled to shift an older one (someone even commented that they “expire” after a certain amount of years).

@Cymruhills you’re not being unreasonable op.
When my dd had outgrown her pram/pushchair system I rashly gave it to sil.
She decided she didn’t like it and sold it.
Her choice but it really made me wish I’d sold it myself.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

I'm involved in a social enterprise giving away baby equipment to low income families and we are not allowed to accept second hand car seats at all - England. Trading standards do not allow it. Nearly everything else is ok, though certain items eg cot mattress we have to remove and put a brand new replacement on, and the filters and certain other parts have to be changed on bottle prep machines. EBay doesn't allow them, nor does vinted officially but not sure how actively they are policed.

@Cymruhills do you have local second hand Mum2Me type markets? Maybe send them links to where they can find second hand stuff?

It’s not illegal to sell them. https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-50273625

“However, it is not illegal to sell second-hand car seats online, with listings available on well-known websites.”

I would have said something like "Oh, I want to hang on to those for the moment, we're still using them sometimes".

That’s not remotely the same as not being allowed to officially sell them

Thats a best practise decision by your group (the baby bank I chair is the same). People are however absolutely allowed to sell car seats

Car seats come up on eBay and vinted all the time (I know this as we advise against buying from strangers)

It's impossible to answer your question unless we know your financial situation.

If you need the money to be able to fundamentally afford certain other things for your child then it's obviously fine.

If you are well off and it won't really make a difference either way then charging family (or even friends) is incredibly tight.

@Sonora25 - they are. Things like the babybjorn travel cot were €220, and used just a few times travelling. The fabric comes apart so it’s been washed. On our local secondhand site (not uk) they usually are listed for €150. So I will easily get €55 (25%) if I list.

The car seats - they are very good. New here the same seat is now €300+ (obviously 2024 model). secondhand car seats sell well here, so i will easily get €50-60. They are full on swivel car seats with isofix etc included. One was used as second spare when grandparents visited twice a year.

secondhand items usually hold value very well where we live, and most people actually expect about 80% of new price back. ( hence why we rarely buy secondhand as it isn’t worth it).

It depends how much you can get selling them. Often it's not much these days. You could look at prices to get an idea and offer slightly less.

But no they shouldn't expect to receive those things.

Would I charge family- no, I would either keep quiet about what we have and sell on eBay if I want the money, or give to them. I have only heard of charging family once before and the general thought was against it

It’s interesting how many people are calling the OP tight but saying nothing about the brother going round with a mental list of what he expected for free.