To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

I wouldn't sell stuff to my family or friends. I would either put it up for sale or give it free.

YANBU OP i find some of the posters on here obnoxious and oblivious to peoples financial situations. Obviously I don’t know your financial situation but have just watched my DS sell all her baby items to make ends meet. I definitely would never have asked this of her or would have happily have paid for them.

So often people loan them, they don't get them back or are damaged. Or the person borrowing sells them on. Also if you loan then decide to have another child you may struggle to get them back when needed. They should respect that you would sell them after use after all you paid full price so why should they get everything for nothing when you will then buy more things your child needs that they will then expect for free later on.

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to sell your items of higher value rather than give them away for free. You paid for them and they belong to you so it is completely up to you what you do with them, not anyone else. As they are first time parents, they probably have no idea how much things cost and add up. If they want your things, some items may be free and some will need to be paid for. Simple as that. If they don’t want to pay for it, then don’t ask for it. Seriously don’t feel bad. Just state it very clear what you want for items and start putting them up for sale.

I still get annoyed now remembering a friend who borrowed a very expensive buggy off us. We never saw it again and she admitted after I’d asked for it back multiple times that she had completely ruined the tires on it putting her too heavy eldest son in it, the eldest shouldn’t have even been in a buggy at his age.

so I would absolutely agree with you, charge them because people have no respect for other people’s property, they won’t appreciate it

When I had my DC, an aunt gave me her pram, plus baby stuff which I was very grateful for. She had had her last child 4 years before I had my first. She did not ask for money. It was based I suppose on familial kindness.

I think it's not wrong to want to sell stuff, but it would have been better to be upfront about that rather than say you'll sell to them.

I'd only charge family if I really desperately needed the money, which is understandable if you do.

As a side note I'd never have a second hand mattress or car seat for a baby and wouldn't sell/give those things away either on principle. Surprised at the amount of posters mentioning travel systems and car seats as I thought everyone was pretty clued up about car seat safety now for babies.

Unless you're absolutely flat broke, you should have been only too happy to give them away! Help others!
Your family come first.

Me too!

By that standard, whoever has a baby 'first' in a family is obligated to essentially fund subsequent extended family babies.

Sorry, but no. Many families can't afford to do that, and they shouldn't have to be 'flat broke' to defend their decision to sell things on so they can then acquire other things their own child/family needs.

I just find it a bit.....grabby.

But then again, I'm a giving person.

I have a shite job and don't earn much, but if somebody needs something I would sooner give it to them, if they can make use of it.

@penjil but why would your family take the piss and take everything free? They know you've paid for it, they know you're "flat broke" but they're taking off you?

Why?

Why would they treat you like that?

You're too much of a people pleaser, for sure.

@penjil and far from the person giving the person stuff free being grabby! The grabby ones are the people taking it!

Given that the sheer cost of a decent cot or buggy set is several hundreds, why would the older siblings be expected to bear the whole cost for their younger ones, and why indeed would they expect it?
Next they will expect high chairs, bikes, clothes, books and toys to be passed on as routine.

I think what you said was fine.

Why should you have to buy all of the baby stuff and pass it all on for free just cos you happened to have babies first?!

I think he's a CF to ask for it all without offering some money!

Nothing wrong with a second hand car seat, so long as it's not been in an accident.

There should really be some kind of scheme to test second hand car seats so they can be sold on with confidence - so many go to landfill needlessly. Such a huge waste.

Its incredibly stingy imo but you don't owe anyone free stuff!

I have a DN about 3 years younger than my youngest and I've always just given them things.. they did return the (fancy)high chair which I recently sold on but I really like being able to help and know that my DN has everything she needs.. they still have the push chair and I don't expect that back at all.

Not a done thing in my family/culture. It usually goes something like this: family member asks do I still have 'the thing', and if I do - offers to buy it from me (talking about 'big ticket' items). I obviously refuse the payment and gift it. Then I receive a small gift as a thank you. Same goes for other way around, if they have something I need.

However, my family are not entitled CF and wouldn't just expect/demand something for free by default. Your brother sounds just like that. 'We still need this, this and this, you still have it, right?' - so I don't blame you for asking for payment. Plus he put you on the spot.

I would either give them to them or sell them to somebody else. I would not give a sibling old, used baby items and ask them for money.

As you and other family members have passed smaller items on to your brother, I don't get the outrage of wanting to sell the your larger items as you had already planned. Your brother was cheeky trying to strong arm you. Replying with I am planning to sell XYZ on gumtree/NCT sale and put the money towards swimming lesson/bike etc', may have been better. I would leave it now, give him the bits you want to pass on and just sell the larger items quietly.

And fully agree with other posters, don't loan it on the understanding you'll get it back. It rarely works. I know two cousins who fell out over a fancy baby snowsuit. One 'loaned' to the other, the other sold it when her baby outgrew, forgetting it had 'loaned'

In the scheme of things that are wasted, I think being extra cautious with a car seat is the right thing to do

Wow, I gave my sil a load of stuff including pushchair, changing station etc when she had her first and never thought of charging her even though she was much better off than us!
Dd1 is expecting her first in April and dd2 has already said she can have everything she's not using eg bedside cot and I'd be shocked if money was involved.

If you have plenty of money, that this isn’t a huge amount to you. Then you’re being tight as a ducks arse.

If however you’re super strapped for cash, I’d explain that to your bro and sure he’ll be understanding.

Anywhere inbetween, gift some stuff and sell some stuff.