To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

I can't really explain why, I guess like PP said it's a bit of a cultural thing, but I think it's just the way it's said.

If it were me and I really needed the money from the items, I'd have responded with "yeah we do still have X Y Z, but we need to recoup some money on those bits to buy Harry's toddler bed" rather than offering to sell them to them if that makes sense? That way they are free to offer themselves to buy them if they want or not. I'd just feel weird telling my close family "you can buy this off me" if if was something they needed.

P.S. Be wary of setting a precedent. This year, the buggy and the cot. Next year, and every year thereafter - they'll expect to be gifted any toy/bike/sportything/clothes your kids outgrow. They sound entitled.

I think personally if I hadn't wanted to give it away for free I would've dodged the question. I'd never charge family or close friends for stuff - so it just wouldn't be available to them.

e.g. "Do you still have the expensive travel system? We need one" (implying that they want mine)

"Yes, we're still getting a lot of use out of it. It's really good, because of XYZ, you should definitely look into getting one or one similar. Lots of people like ABC.."

Would you get 25% of RRP?

What would their plan have been if you hadn't already have had a child and had the stuff when she got pregnant?

They should not assume that they will just be given things!

Perfectly reasonable for you to give them first refusal to buy and if they aren't interested carry on and sell

Sounds like they've saved lots of money on gifted items so should be able to put money towards the more expensive ones. People in this position offer use the stuff and then sell it on CF's.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

It's not family but a couple of close friends have babies 6-8 months now as we're expecting in the summer. They've very kindly gifted a few bits of clothes / unused bottles etc but for bigger things (a baby swing and a next to me crib so far) I wouldn't dream of taking them for free, knowing they would otherwise put them on marketplace and make a few £ to put towards the next stage bits for their own babies.

I mean if you really need the money then fair enough but 25% off is a pisstake.

I doubt you'd even sell them for that on Ebay

Do not loan baby items. It is too easy for things to be lost or damaged.

if you need or want to recoup some money, there is nothing wrong with selling your items. Offering them to your brother for a simple transaction advantages you both. He gets to know the full history and you get a simple sale. If that doesn’t work for either of you, then you sell to the general public and he purchases elsewhere. You aren’t obligated to build his nursery for him.

ooph, this is an awkward one, and it depends on the circumstances - who needs the money, how close you are, and so on, family ethos, and do they do anything back?. First off, it is your stuff that you have had to buy, so you can do with it what you like, you don't need to make excuses "we sold DS1 pram because he needed a different expensive car seat" is a valid reason. Equally, it is nice to give to your family so that they don't have such a big outlay, and also just to see the things loved again and they have the comfort of knowing where they came from. But it would rankle a bit if they then sold it on after their use, and never gave anything back. Loaning is problematic unless you are thinking of having another and you make it clear that at some point you want it back. I had a friend who had children a year older than mine, and although we did not pass on big things, every time she had a clear out, I got her children's clothes. I did feel a bit bad about it as I was never going to be able to return the favour, but bought drinks and other things to try and recompense. She was going to charity shop them anyway, and what happened is they went through mine, then another friend (with children younger than mine) and sometimes back through mine again before finally ending up in the charity shop 4 children on if they still had "wear in them" Times have moved on, and nowadays everyone would be probably selling them on vinted. Sorry, I've rambled a bit, but I can see your dilemma. If you need and want the money, then sell the items. if you are happy to gift them, then do that. xxx

You have been kind to pass on several smaller items for free. If you want to sell the more expensive items just put them on eBay. I think 25 percent of the original price is fine if they are in good condition. It sounds like they caught you on the hop. It sounds like they are getting lots of things free. They'll have to buy some things for their baby.

I’ve never heard of anyone being rude enough to outright ask a sibling for baby big ticket items.

The brother started any awkwardness by being rude and presumptuous

I get it OP. My travel system was well over a grand when I bought it all new, it was the chassis, car seat, pushchair seat, carrycot, isofix base and then accessories. I reckon it all amounted to £1,300. I used it all for 2 children, immaculate condition and sold it all for £200, it was about 5 yrs old, but still had the spikes on the tyres, I donated everything else, I’m not on the bones of my arse at all, but I’m not loaded either and It was too good to give away. Just don’t bring it up again, if they ask, say you’re still using it.

Exactly.

We had children later in life and a lot of people passed on their second hand things to us when we first had a child. I then passed most of it on, if still usable, to friends. I did sell a few things we had bought at an NCT sale once. But I'd never ask family or friends to pay.

It's nice to sell things you no longer need - I've sold some old toys our kids used to have in recent years, but more for fun and to find a new owner / recycle because no one we know is at that stage now. You don't make much money on it really, though.

As for not bring "close" because you only see each other once a month, that's crazy. "Close" isn't measured in my book by how often you see each other but by how you feel about them / how well you know them. Beyond the family I live with, I probably don't see any family or friends as often as once a month and I am "close" to many of them.

They didn't ask.
There was a conversation when they were presumably asked about what they had / what they still needed to get, and they answered the question.

It was the OP who brought into the conversation she has some things she could sell them.

It was all said in a sort of 'we still need x, y and z. You still have yours, don't you?' so I sort of had to acknowledge the fact that yes we do

They brought up the op having them.

It’s a tough one . First of all , I think he caught you off guard and put you in a spot. I think he was a bit cheeky for asking,and if he did ask then why didn’t he offer you any money. He’s not entitled to anything just because he’s your brother. You are not being unreasonable in these days of COL .

I would never have dreamed of doing this. But then I know my DB if this was the case would have offered anyway. Of course I would have said no and he would prob have bought something for my DC. Me and DB are very close though so maybe it is differnt

I wouldn't charge them, even if you're not close. I've given a lot of things away to my friends which my kids have grown out of, and when they have offered to pay I've refused or I've said to buy me a Diet Coke. I love a cold can of Diet Coke 😅

If you need to money and they can afford to buy their own then it’s reasonable to ask for the money you would have made by selling.
Personally I didn’t charge my sister for anything I gave her. She wouldn’t have charged me either. Equally, I would have happily paid her if she needed to the money.

I think it's more that you said you had the items but wanted to sell them that sounded a bit grabby, and that prompted the surprised response. Why not have just kept quiet and joined in with the general excitement of a new baby rather than "we have this but won't accept less than X for it". Lots of people hold on to baby stuff, it sounds like there was no expectation to have the items from you until you opened up the bidding.

In my family we lend stuff around, but i think it's quite cheeky of them to assume you will give them your baby equipment, when presumably you had to shell out for it. If you need the money and had planned to sell it do so and let them know it's not available.

I think you've been completely tactless tbh. You could have dodged the question, changed the subject, or even said "I'm actually planning to sell X because we're planning to fund Y" and leave it at that.

I read it as 75% off. They would charge 25% of original price.

I didn't vote as I can see both sides.

Seems fair to me that siblings share the cost of raising the next generation so the first to use brand new stuff but pays 75% and the second gets everything much, much cheaper.

This is a very pragmatic approach though, so I see that not everyone would go for this.