To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

You can't charge your sibling for the items. However totally understand you want to sell them so I'll just sell them to a third party. You are close if you see your sibling once a month.

Those are policies, rather than law.

Would you have genuinely bothered to sell them though?

If you knew you wanted to sell the items and wanted to recoup some money from them I don't know why you even mentioned to your brother you had the items. I completely understand wanting to get back some money from baby things, sometimes feels like a black hole for money, but if they've had free stuff previously then, yea they probably would be a bit taken aback at having to pay for things. I'd just leave it and sell the items. Don't bring it up again with them; they are your items to do with as you please

They were the CF asking if you still had xyz and saying they needed it
That's cheeky and rude , putting u on the spot like that
You have every right to sell it to make money ,not everyone is rolling in pennies that they can afford to just pass it on for free

I lend things and then sell but only to close friends and family. If you don't want to share or lend, then it's best to just say that they're sentimental items and you want to keep them for now. I don't think I would ask a family member to pay for them.

Exactly! The OP's been called 'grabby' and had her need for the money questioned but none of the same for the brother expecting everything to be handed over to him for free!!

How much do he and SIL earn? Why are they not grabby? How much do they need to save the money by getting everything for free?

To those saying OP should have said nothing, they were at her house if I read correctly, where her baby's stuff presumably is.

@Caspianberg I see. Second hand things in my home country sell very well too, in my experience it’s different in England.

I'm on the fence.

I loaned baby equipment and clothes (including a cot, pram, pushchair, toys) to my DSis with the caveat that if I don't need them back, if she sells them can we go halves.

We did a car boot sale. She brought out all this stuff I'd lent her to sell. She sold and didn't give me a penny. I was too upset to say anything and figured my sis was too important to me to fall out over. Her situation was married with two incomes at the time, I was single and bringing up DC alone.

That was about 20yrs ago and I'm still irritated when I think about it.

In fairness it goes both ways. I'm very generous with neices and nephews and when my DC came years later, they were equally generous with me. So I'd not expect to pay for items, but I would appreciate and reciprocate in my own way, in my own time. OP should really know what her sibling is like, and if he is in fact tight

Those saying that op won’t get 25% I think are wrong with some items. I sold a bugaboo chameleon, which cost £700ish at the time for well over 25% of the cost and a high chair for almost the price I paid brand new. Other things sold less well but we got a decent price for most stuff including the maxi cosi and stand.

It really depends on the items and how much someone is prepared to pay on the day. Everything we had was immaculate and used for one child only.

No way would I just give everything away to your brother. That’s really grabby. Add it up over a few years the way this is continuing and you’ll be giving the cost of a small car. I bet he wouldn’t give you a car if he intended to sell it for a grand. He’d expect it to be paid for. You’re totally correct to nip it in the bud now.

@Cymruhills You’ve already been generous in giving them things. There’s quite a few threads like this one and they always end badly. If you want to sell your more expensive items then go for it or keep them if you think you might want another baby in the future. You’re right, they will be in worse condition and be older than they are now so will be harder to sell or you’ll get less for them. Maybe say you’d already agreed with a friend who due? Honestly some people are always out for all they can get, keep them for yourself as you don’t want to be replacing the items if you have another.

I wouldn't usually charge family or friends for items. For a friend's sister who I hadn't known personally, she took them and gave me money when she eventually sold them on.

I think the issue was more your phrasing; as others have said it would have been better to say "Oh sorry, we wanted to resell those items to put towards new bedroom furniture. I'll let you know about anything else we aren't selling." Putting a specific price for them was what comes across as unusual. Even so, confusion in the moment is all they can fairly do; if they pitch an argument around it though then they are the ones with an issue.

OP, when they were “listing items they still needed to get,” do you mean this was in the course of a general conversation where they were just talking through their personal to-do lists, or were they actually saying/hinting heavily that they wanted to get your stuff? Big difference between those two things.

Whatever they actually said, if I was getting hints of “We expect to get your baby stuff,” I would have just said something like “Oh, sorry, those things are already getting ready to be sold, can’t help you there!”

Are you really broke? Genuine question- if so, charge them what you'd have realistically sold them second hand for (not what you would have liked to have sold them for- big difference...)
If not, just give them! Can't imagine charging family for stuff unless it's like I'm in a shop with my sister and she'd forgotten her bank card and really wanted a £100 dress etc etc

I personally ally wouldn’t charge my family for anything I had and no longer needed but everyone’s different. In our family we give it to each other. We don’t charge family.

25% of the original price is very expensive for a second hand item - unless it’s a mint condition limited edition bugaboo or artipoppe carrier - so I can see why they were shocked by that offer. I think you should either have said they could have it for free or said you were putting them
up for sale so they weren’t available to them at all.

Also 25% off the RRP is far too much even if you did charge them!!

Baby stuff is cheap to pick up second hand!

Nothing wrong with wanting to sell them, the problem was in asking them to buy. I'd have said 'I'd have offered you the pram and cot, but unfortunately I can't afford not to sell them so I've got to put them on ebay' up to them then to make the offer if they want to buy. You put them in an awkward position where they basically had to say the stuff was OK for free but not worth that to them, which is probably true, but not something you want to be forced to say socially.

I can never ever ever imagine charging anyone let alone family for baby things. I wouldn't dream of it. I've given prams away and all sorts to family's in need that I barely know. Im quite poor myself. Charging my own brother I could just never do. My cousins etc are also extremely generous. There's more joy in seeing them used by your family than getting 25 percent off your own brother.

Brother does indeed have form for being a CF and in life generally just expects things from people, without giving the same in return.

I'd say we're in an equal financial position.

I didn't specify an amount I'd like for each item (as I'd hoped to breeze over the conversation) and used 25% as a ballpark figure for the purpose of this thread, to show that I wasn't (in my opinion) being cheeky with my expectations of what I could get for the items.

We had been talking about the new baby and so I guess was relevant to what we were talking about when DB said "we still need to get this, this and this" there was a pause, I think in anticipation for me to offer the things and when I said nothing, he said "you still have yours, don't you?" hence why I was taken aback and wasn't sure how to respond.

25% is very cheap for something in good condition. If they had it, it wouldn't be in good condition anymore. I'd say, I'm selling these for x, let me know if you want first dibs. Or he's free to buy them brand new, or second d hand else where.

That's really cheeky of them @Tilleuil! If you were my ds/sil I would have offered them back to you!

Yeah I wouldn't charge between family but if I wanted to sell them I'd not have mentioned it and just sold them.
If they asked me directly about having the items I'd have said I'm planning on selling them as need the money for abc. If they'd have then offered money I'd have accepted.

I think this comes down to your relationship with your family member.

Unless I was in dire financial straits I would gladly give all my baby stuff to a new family baby for free. Are you in a dire financial position?

If not, then it's about your relationship, which sounds not very good.

You're not wrong to charge him, and to be fair if I was him I would have offered to give you something for it anyway. (Probably expecting you to say no but at least offered). So it's a bit of tit for tat.

What matters more, the money or your relationship?