To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

@DistingusedSocialCommentator Just so ypu know, thing like buggies, car seats, bottles etc can't be sold by most charity shops, they have to be binned as we can't guarantee their age or safety. You're better to use freecycle or similar for these items if you want them to be used.

I think your brother is very rude to put you in the spot and to just expect you to give him everything he's asked for.
But I do think you need to explain why you are selling these items - it will be better for the relationship if he knows you use the money to finance new things for your own children. Not that you owe him an explanation, but it would help repair frostiness.

I think the nature of the relationship is key here. With my own siblings, help is always reciprocal - we all do what we can to assist each other. But if you have a family member who always takes and never gives, or who feels entitled to your belongings, as if it's communal property, that's very annoying.
It's not fair for the sibling who has dc first, to subsidise every other sibling. And it's cheeky fuckery behaviour of the brother to not even offer some payment towards expensive items!

I can't understand why people are giving you such a hard time. I understand if it was clothes, but it's expensive items that you could potentially get good money for. Times are hard and a lot of us are feeling the pinch! He has to buy them anyway, so why not give you something for them?

I think your brothers being cheeky, in our family we would automatically offer a small amount of money to help you buy something else, if you just give them they will expect everything for free going forward.
If its mentioned or they ask again just say im putting them on e bay for x if you want them they are X amount, up to them then.

Everyone I know would gift the items but if you want to sell them then do what your husband has suggested & loan them to your brother first. Though he may not want anything from you now.

Thanks - that good info for all.

No, do not loan. Items will be returned use with decreased resale value
if they need items buy them on Vinted or eBay

I’ve been exactly where you are, only difference was that my sister was in a dramatically better place money wise. It was awkward. I ended up loaning, and in the intervening time advice about using the item changed to make it obsolete and I couldn’t even give it away when I got it back. Even if it hadn’t, it had been through both their pukey kids rather than my one non pukey kid so was in very much worse condition. Just sell it now to a stranger on eBay and avoid the awks.

Tbh, I couldn’t imagine selling anything to my siblings. However, if I were you and you need the cash, I’d have said, “I sold my pram system on Marketplace a while ago.” Surely it’s in the loft or something so it’s not like they’d know you still have it? It’s not ideal telling them this though of course but, like I said, if I really needed the money, I’d probably try to avoid any awkwardness or animosity potentially.

They aren’t entitled to your babies things. They were expecting them for free and figured they wouldn’t have any costs when needing these things because you already had them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get some money for these things so you can buy more things. If they want your things they should have asked if they could buy them off you, not expect them to be given. It’s nice to be given baby things, I had a friend who gave me quite a lot when I had my first but it was never expected, she never wanted anything for them but I did buy her child a gift to say thanks.

I don’t think you have done/said anything wrong here. You shouldn’t feel like you have to just give your things away.

What if it was a car or a house? Would people just expect her to hand the keys over?

This is one of those situations where cultural norms aren't really reflecting the objective reality for lots of people. No, we don't typically charge family members for things. Which isn't ideal if you need the money.

I think I would level with my family here. 'I know you need this stuff and I hate to charge you at all but I'm not as flush as I'd like right now and my kids need stuff too.'

No because people don’t normally give away their house but numerous people do hand down baby stuff .

My opinion is that if you want to sell an item that is ur own decision. There's been times I've asked fanily members for things ask them if they want anything for it, sometimes they have sometimes they haven't. I respected their decision either way. Just cos your family members doesn't mean u should be forced/guilted into gifting something u never had any intention of. Gifting to me is something on the terms of the gifter that would be like forcing somebody to buy you an expensive Xmas or birthday present imo

I sold my daughters toddlers bed to my sister in law at a big discount so I could put it towards her big bed. And we're very close. She knew I was selling it and was happy to pay.
It sounds like you were really generous with alot of stuff already. I wouldn't bring it up again, but maybe mention your posting it for sale before u do so then they can decide for sure.

I think it depends. Our family gifted us all the big bits (we picked out what we wanted and they paid) so if my sister was having a baby I'd happily hand over whatever was gifted by my family. I'd check with DHs family before handing over anything from them. I wouldn't charge for them, I'm sure my parents wouldn't be impressed if I made my sister buy something they bought for grandkids from me! If you bought yourself your rules.

I think although askig to pay for bigger items you have, for your rother to come out and say 'oh we stilll need xyz, and you have these items and can you give them to us'. (A) this has put you on the spot , and you may really need the money and as you say to buy your DC new things they need. Perhaps, they should have thought how they were going to pay for their baby clothes and other larger items before expecting to e pect you to provide your items. You are not their mothercare! Loaning would probably cause further issues, it if is their first, they may your items again when they have a second! My parents bought my cot, I bought the pram secondhand. Perhaps they should look on Marketplaçe etc. YANBU! Money and family always causes issues. Sell your bits for you, and for your childre to benefit. I wouldn't have necessarily charge your brother and his partner, but the way he asked put you on the spot.

Erm what??! 🤣 don't quite follow your logic there 🤣

It means that if you were selling your house or car, your sibling wouldn't expect to be given it, even if they needed a new house/car themselves. So why is baby equipment different?
The person who bought it, owns it. OPs brother has no entitlement to it just because he's having a baby, anymore than he'd have a right to OPs car!

Obviously her Point is “where is the line” beyond which you don’t have to give away your stuff just cos it Family.

Clearly a free house is an exaggeration but the OPs “give away stuff for free” line ends at the point of big ticket items. What’s wrong with that?

the brother is frankly rude to come to the OPs house and point at things he wants like it’s a shop ( except stuff is free)