To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

I'm from a family who wouldn't usually "sell" things to each other but I'm with you to the extent that there are some things I'd happily give away, especially to a close friend or family member, but there are some things I plan to sell and some money back for. I think it's reasonable to say "I'm happy to give you X but I was planning to sell Y and happy to sell to you". They still benefit from not having to buy brand new and still getting it from family rather than a stranger. THEY can then sell on if they want. It can actually take a bit of time and effort to sell this stuff so why should you have to pay for it all and bear the burden of selling it on while they use it all for nothing and have zero responsibility.

Saying that I do find it awkward selling to family and friends!

I don't think it's about being entitled or privileged. Things like prams will have been paid for at least a couple of years earlier so it's safe to assume it's a fairly well used pram. Also, how then does it affect family finances if you give it away? That money has gone, you're not getting it back so how and where are you losing out so that it affects finances You've already bought it.
Same with other big ticket items. Also, secondhand prams etc don't usually sell well online so I'd rather give it to a relative.

The norm is some families varies greatly!
but if something belongs to me, you can’t act funny if I say no when asked. It’s not yours to get upset about. If i had to buy and no family members chipped in, why do the rules change for you and I automatically have to fund buying your baby items? Your baby your responsibility!
yes if I have and don’t need it and I can - of course donate/gift! But why, oh why do ppl think “oh dsis hasn’t had kids in a few, let’s take her stuff”! It’s not theirs to take! By all means, ask if that’s appropriate for you. But I can’t understand his reaction when told no. It was never his to get upset about!!!
gifts are never automatic! Why here?

But I can’t understand his reaction when told no. It was never his to get upset about!!!

Absolutely!

People don't have to be living hand to mouth to not want to pass on expensive items for free to CF who expect lots of expensive items to be given to them.

I think some people are being deliberately awkward.

Parent 1 might want to sell some of the more expensive baby/toddler stuff to put money towards a nice bike for their child or some garden play equipment. If freebie-expecting-CF-parent pushes to have the baby/toddler stuff for free then Parent 1 is going to have to make their children go without. The decision would be whether to prioritise CF-parent's demand for freebies over their child's new bike/garden equipment.

Parent 1 isn't living hand to mouth.

But why should their child go without new play equipment because a CF in the family thinks it's everyone else's job to provide them with baby/toddler stuff for free?

That money has gone, you're not getting it back so how and where are you losing out so that it affects finances You've already bought it.

Nobody is expecting to get the full RRP/paid price back but for high ticket items like prams you can definitely get some money back so many people "invest" in a slightly more expensive/higher quality system in the knowledge that they will be able to get at least a small amount of money back by selling it on when they're finished with it.

When my DD was born we lived abroad in a large city where we lived in an apartment building and used public transport so I bought an expensive travel system that was similar to the Doona, a lightweight but durable frame where the car seat turned into a stroller so I could use it as a stroller but could collapse it to the car seat if we went in a taxi, were walking down the stairs on the metro or if there was no room on the bus for the pram to take up floor space but there was either seat space or space on the "luggage rack" (a sort of table area with bars round it behind the accessible seating where you could put the car seat out of the way but secured safely). It also meant I only had the one item rather than having to find space for a car seat and pram in our small flat

I paid about €700 for the whole system including rain shields, sun parasol, wheel covers, etc.

When I was done with it a couple of years later I knew I was never getting the €700 I paid for it brand new but it was in perfect condition, no marks/scuffs etc, and still had all the accessories it came with so I sold it to a lovely friend of a friend for €250.

So by selling it for €250 the overall cost to me for two years of use was €450. I could have given it away, knowing the €700 was long spent, but that €250 went towards buying a cheap folding stroller for longer trips and then towards buying other things she needed/wanted.

Could I have done without the money? Of course, not getting €250 was not going to see us on the streets but when I initially bought the stroller I spent slightly more on a decent quality system knowing that it would hold resale value and I could get some money back when I was done with it, which was why I was happy to pay a little bit more on the initial outlay.

I’ve had baby things passed on by my DB and DSIL. They were free but mainly small bits and bobs. I wouldn’t have been at all offended if they’d asked for a bit of cash for them though , especially bigger items they could have sold on. I’d still have been getting a bargain! Plus better for the planet. I also never casually listed things I needed in the hope they’d then give them to me for free! Cheeky buggers 😂. I’m also aware of keeping track of what is theirs, should they want it back for any reason. If I had paid then I wouldn’t give back though obviously.

Agree, the presumption of free items was serious cheeky

Don’t loan then expect to have it returned: what if they want dc close together? Will they just keep stuff long term? Then consider it theirs?

What are your financial positions.

Both normal average to slightly under average, could always do with a few quid, fine don't give them.

Earning over 50 grand, comfortable house : it's mean.

Ideally of course it would be lovely to share and give unfortunately its not always possible

Brother and SIL are expecting a daughter, my DD2 has just turned 7 weeks old. We have gifted them things like clothes bundles and the baby bath when DD grows out of it but they asked for our formula making stuff (bottles/ prep machine/ travel system/ steriliser) because I'm breastfeeding and it's going really well. We told them they could happily have it and they offered to pay for it, and we have accepted, because it's the best part of a few hundred pounds worth of stuff and we can't afford to just give it away. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to pay for things.

Isn’t it a bit much to be asking for freebies when yours is 7 weeks? Surely you might need stuff?

You're absolutely NOT being unreasonable! It's not your responsibility to fund their decision to have a child. Are they assuming you'll pass on everything from this point on? They're being VERY CFs!

@DontGoGran - how do you know you won’t need it still if yours is only 7 weeks old? There baby must be due in 4-6 months when yours is still using travel system, and you might have decided to add formula in 6 months time

Because in some families they actually like each other and help each other out It obviously depends on the family of course

But what’s the point of extolling the virtues of your helpful families when OP has said she is not close to her brother and that he is a CF who knows how to take but not give?

This expectation of women to always be kind to men is tedious.

I’d have given things to family never charged or said we still use it and sold it on if that desperate for the cash.

Sorry, by travel system I mean a formula making bottle thing for when you're out and about, not a travel system as in the buggy.

Formula wise, I have no intention of using formula at all if I can help it (have a lot of trauma from this from DD1), and by the time SIL is due, DD2 will be 6 months old so if we do need to add it in, I'm hoping the bottles we're keeping back from DD1 will suffice and I won't really need a prep machine as much as I would if we were formula feeding now for example.

Never hope or assume. Keep
your things for your baby.

I've never heard of people charging their own families for second hand baby stuff

I've never heard of anyone asking outright for freebies. I got given some stuff from my brother & used to get them a voucher or something. I always passed stuff on that I was given. I did sell some stuff on eBay & genuinely needed the money. We were broke. I think maybe if he was short of cash I would offer. However you may need the cash & I think he's cheeky to just assume.

Totally missed this bit OP has said she is not close to her brother and that he is a CF who knows how to take but not give? then fair enough, I don't know why she gave him anything in that case

They might be low resale but that £25 might be the difference to someone eating or not or buying new clothes for a toddler. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to suck up losses and just give away items that can make money. Recognising other people don’t have the same income or love in poverty is just being kind.

Tell them to keep a look out on any Freecycle pages on FB on ours people gift travels systems, cots next to me beds etc. I get your kids need things by selling what you have already, kids are expensive and should've expected to give something for the bigger bits.

Definitely not being unreasonable, I know from experience that if you "lend" things to family, you either don't ever get them back or they're absolutely ruined, when you do get them back. I would explain to your brother that you intend to sell them, as soon as your own child no longer needs them, to buy more things your own child does need!

YANBU

They clearly hinted about the bigger items and you were clear that you’d like ‘some’ money for them…

Its not like you are asking full RRP - especially if this is bigger things like pram etc

If as a family you can afford to gift them then lovely. If however you cannot afford to gift expensive items you are not unreasonable to ask for some money for it when you were planning on selling them to buying things your children need now.

They can take it or leave it, up to them. And it’s up to you whether you chose to gift things or not. There should not be an expectation of it.

We gifted SIL lots of things including 2 years + worth of clothes, Our pram cot etc as they are on hard times neither working etc. We would have preferred selling to get some very much needed cash. But they were on hard times so felt the need was more.

However, we later saw SIL had put up lots of gifted clothes listed for sale. (Before they’d be worn FYI) I thought this was quite rude actually.