To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

I think this says everything:

Brother does indeed have form for being a CF and in life generally just expects things from people, without giving the same in return.

I agree that he should give you the same amount as you would have sold them for if he is like that.

I didn’t charge friends for our old baby stuff ( twice) so certainly wouldn’t charge family .

We gifted baby stuff to a relative that included some items we could have sold for decent money (e.g. a next to me). In total we probably could have made at least £250 selling everything second hand. But I figure what goes around comes around (they may never give us any hand me downs for our child given ours is older, but they have helped us in many other ways). But I appreciate it depends how much you need that £250 (or however much yours is worth). What I would say is to make sure they actually need/want the items you are gifting - I didn't give them a couple of items that they were unlikely to need and I will sell them privately.

I’ve had friends say to me, ‘ooh, I love that-let me know if you’re selling it at any point’ which I have.

Great, but perhaps you are in a better financial position than the OP?

She was asking if she was being unreasonable and of course she isn't if she needs the money to buy other things.

Exactly. That is the way to ask for expensive things, not the way her brother did, just expecting them for free.

Your brother walked into this situation with his question. You’ve done nothing wrong imo.

@Cymruhills I don't think asking for money is unreasonable at all. My sister in law offered us clothes etc, but some things she said I'm going to sell x,y,z, but I'm happy to sell to you if you want. Only difference to you is we didn't ask or expect anything from anyone. Babies are so expensive, seems unfair they get everything for free and you aren't allowed to recoup any of your costs just because they are family

She has at no point said she needs the money , she said she would like it to buy other stuff for the kids . I suppose it boils down to whether you value your relationships more than money .

YANBU

You've kindly gifted him the smaller items but quite rightly want to sell the more expensive ones so the money can be put towards future purchases for your own DC.

Since you are in roughly the same financial position you need to be firm from the beginning otherwise you'll have years and years of him expecting a free supply of your DCs clothes/toys at your expense.

I've done this too. I've got 'first dibs' on my friends' little boy's amazing Jumperoo when he grows out of it and the conversation was very clear that I'll pay whatever she'd look to sell it for.

You have already given them some baby stuff and doubtless will buy a present when the baby is born.

I think this is enough and it's up to you whether you sell the pricier items or give them to your bro. It doesn't sound like they are struggling for money and it does sound like you would miss the money yourself.

Stay away from "loaning" things at all costs, it's too easy to come unstuck with this.

I don't think that YABU. I did give my brother all of my baby bits at no charge...I was happy to help them and also it is lovely to see DN get use out of it all. I could have done with the money myself but I was happier to see them get use out of it. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with you asking for a bit of money towards it if you were planning on selling it.

All you need to do is to tell your brother and his wife that your priority is money.

Perfectly acceptable IMHO to sell large items. Why should you give them away for nothing?

I am with you OP. It’s CF to expect those big ticket items for free.
No way would I “give away” my silvercross pram, my top of the range next to me, my baby bjorn bouncer. At the end of the day, you can resell these items, and it takes the bite out of the initial purchase knowing you might get it back. I suggest pausing Amy further “giving” or “selling” conversations. Just discreetly stick to your own plan.

You’ve made your position clear.
Please don’t “lend”, either, you’ll never get them back in same condition because some people just don’t respect items they haven’t worked hard to pay for.

YANBU

If you could afford it AND wanted to, great, give the stuff to them.

But there are a lot of posts on MN these days about families struggling to afford to have children, make ends meet, etc, and the suggestions about buying second hand and selling on your own things on to save money. Rather contradictory for posters to insist on this thread that the OP should just be handing over their expensive baby items 'because family'.

'Because family' doesn't pay the bills for OP. 'Because family' doesn't help OP sell off old baby things to buy new to them child things for their own child. 'Because family' doesn't magically mean an arm's length relationship with her brother entitles him to save his family money at OP's family's expense.

Sell the stuff on if you need to, OP. YANBU.

Your brother is being unreasonable - as PPs have said, it was good for you to make the situation clear now as otherwise they sound like they would be looking to get everything else handed down over the years too.

I remember another thread where someone had loaned their pram/bed/other expensive thing for a time to friends and then the friends wouldn’t return it and probably would have sold it on without a thought. OP should not have to subsidise her brother just because she had kids first.

I would give to them free or sell to somebody else - but now that you offered to sell to them it looks bad on you

They are 1st time parents to be and can’t yet understand where you are coming from

It’s fair enough you want to sell on, that’s ok,but not ok to sell to family
so politely explain you’ll resell the items and they’re unavailable to them
that way you get the resale and no strained familial relationships

It’s not necessarily that their priority is money, but that they were planning to sell it.

If I was going to sell a watch/sofa/car and use the money to replace it, or buy something different, it wouldn’t be acceptable for a family member to decide that I should just give it to them. It’s mine to do what I want with. If selling it and using the money for something else was my plan, then that’s fine, because it’s mine.

I'd have to be on the bones of my arse before I asked people to just give me their belongings.

Don’t loan the items they’ll come back scabbie & used with no resale value

but not ok to sell to family

I don’t agree with this at all. I’ve bought baby stuff off relatives, I’ve bought a car from my parents, my sister in law has bought garden furniture from us. If both parties are happy, then it’s absolutely fine.

Sometimes it's other reasons too.

For years we have lots of stuff away free to DBIL and his wife (gorgeous condition and in the case of clothes we saw that their kids not only got use of stuff but also handed them to their next kids too. So that was nice to see).

What I noticed quite quickly though was that we barely even got so much as a thank you. It's almost as if they started to expect stuff to automatically come their way. And they aren't short of money they probably have over double our income coming in.

So one day I just thought sod it, enough of being a mug and started selling stuff instead.

If someone have me second hand items for my kids which were in beautiful condition and saving me a shit tonne of cash at the very least I would make a proper effort to say thank you and how much I appreciate them.

Some people have no manners