To charge family for baby bits

[Cymruhills]

My brother and his wife have recently discovered they're going to be parents for the first time and we, as well as other people have offered them baby things we no longer need.

So far I've mainly gifted them blankets, clothing and smaller items such as a steryliser and a bottle warmer.

We saw them today and they began listing some items they still need to get. Some of which they know we still have as our youngest is still using them/will be growing out of them soon. They were more expensive items (think £100+ to buy new) and things which I would have sold on, to try and make some money back in order to buy things which my children need.

I mentioned that we have some of the items they are looking for and explained that I'd happily pass them on to them but because they're slightly more expensive, I'd just like the amount for them that I would have sold them for (item dependant, but around 25% of the RRP).

My brother looked shocked that I'd mentioned buying them instead of them being gifted, like the other items I've previously given them. My DH says I should just loan them the things and when they're done, sell them then. Things felt a bit awkward and they left soon after.

I'm reluctant to loan the items as they will be in worse condition than they are now and also, it would be quite nice to have the money to spend now, for things that we need for my DC's, not in a year or so.

So, AIBU?

I think you message and say sorry that conversation felt awkward. We sell our kids more expensive stuff on and that helps us buy them things they need. I could see you were uncomfortable at the thought of paying for them so let’s just leave it, we will sell them on marketplace /locally/whatever as planned.

I might say differently if I didn’t get the entitled vibe before I even got the entitled backstory, but I did.

I don’t get it why are siblings automatically entitled tI baby stuff?
doesn’t work like this in my circles!
if you had to buy it, why don’t they have to?

I don't get the shock either.

I wonder if the posters who expected to give stuff away also expected to be given?

At the end of the day, nothing like this is worth falling out over or feeling awkward about if it's a sibling you love. I lost 2 of my siblings in a short space of time and it puts into perspective what's important and disagreements over material items just isn't worth it.
Just avoid the subject and go on as normal, don't be awkward on your side and any awkwardness on their side will soon disappear. Move on from it, just sell them a you intend and don't think about it again. They'll soon have much more to think about once the baby arrives.

I think you're right but you could have handled it a bit better.

If you'd told them you were planning on selling them and had been relying on that money to buy other things needed for your DC then I'm sure they would have understood.

It is awkward but ultimately YANBU
let him look shocked and say nothing more.

The cost of raising 2 + kids is eye-watering
Imo He's a bit of a CF lingering about your house like its a store and looking for all your stuff for free.

Let him find out the hard way what a pain is the arse it is sourcing decent 2nd hand stuff.

While most people would never sell to family myself included. I can see how you were cornered ...also my family is reciprocal so while they'd take the stuff "for free" theyd appreciate that kids are expensive and treat us to a nice day out or get us dinner or something....

A better way of phrasing it would maybe have been to say " oh that! Unfortunately we arent planning to give that away... do you sone more tea?"

A better way of phrasing it would maybe have been to say " oh that! Unfortunately we arent planning to give that away... do you sone more tea?"

An honest way to phrase it would be "Oh, that! Unfortunately, we aren't planning to give it away but to sell it. We might be able to offer you a discount."

I guess it's all down to what kind of dynamic you have. No one in my family expects anything but appreciates it if it's offered. I think because we do things like that, we do also pick up things for each others kids if so inclined. For an example, if I'm shopping for Xmas jumpers and there's a great deal on and I see them in the size of one of my nephews/nieces/great nephews/great nieces, I'll pick them one up (budget allowing) and wouldn't expect anything for them, and they do the same with mine. If I've paid a fortune for a good winter coats, my first thought when DC grow out of them is to offer them to a younger family member. Or if one of us is upgrading a bed and the old one is still in great condition, we offer it to an appropriate age family member before putting it on sale. It's just the way we work, and it seems others work differently.

Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Well yes-there's not really a right or wrong is there?

People do things differently.

Yep, it’s fine to do things differently.

Both parties need to be happy and in this case, the OP is not. It’s not ok to expect other people’s stuff to just be given to them.

It's not about trying to "catch her out" - she mentioned a steriliser, I think which cost a lot. If she had sold it, that's money she could have used to ease her financial situation. You haven't answered where in the Op it states she is living a hand to mouth existence and how not selling the large items means her children will go without? Yes, a lot of people can afford to give smaller items away but if Op is so strapped for cash as you claim, sure she would sell everything she could? It's not black and white thinking, it's logical thinking .

Yeah and it's really not worth falling out with family members over, and that's aimed at both sides.

For me, I have the mentality that just if I have something available, just because I bought it I don't think "well I bought it so why shouldn't they" because I see it the same as pulling the ladder up behind me, however I can see that isn't a common way to think, and our dymanic is that of a give and receive with no expectation, so I get that isnt the norm from other people's comments.

People just do what feels right to them.

If the brother wants to make a huge issue of it then that's on him unfortunately. Best just to avoid the subject with him completely.

My steriliser cost £15 new-it’s completely different to give things like that or clothing away, but want to sell an expensive pram/cot etc. I wouldn’t have bothered with the hassle of trying to sell things for peanuts but absolutely would if it was going to get me £100 +.

Some sterilisers cost a lot more than £50 but anyway, I'll answer the questions that you won't.You won't answer them because nowhere has Op said she's living a hand to mouth existence or that her children will suffer if she doesn't sell the items. Further down the thread she even says her financial situation is the same as her brothers. Argue she should charge her family for items if you like, but don't make up things she hasn't said just to fit your narrative.

I have sold on the most expensive stuff once my baby outgrew it including a tutti bambino bedside crib that I got for £160 and sold for £100!
Also I would never ask anyone for expensive items as I would assume they might like to sell them on..if they offered them to me I would offer them a bit of money for them too.
Babies are expensive so I would never assume that I would be entitled to anything at all from a family member. It's completely up to you what you do with your stuff

So family member first to have children had to fund everyone else?

Why?

You keep saying ‘hand to mouth existence’ as if that’s an acceptable way of life.

It’s perfectly fine to sell more expensive bits to live a bit more than ‘hand to mouth’.

Do you live hand to mouth?

I am not gifting anything to anyone unless it's something we would have gifted anyway or sent to charity. That's not because I'm awful, but because we pay an absolute fortune in childcare and actually don't have a lot of spare cash. So I sell everything and whatever I make goes straight on the next size up things, or the next things we need for my DCs. I buy a lot second hand too. Kids get more expensive the older they get!

I have a friend who has a baby born the same month as my girls and would love to gift her everything, but the smalls bits I make selling things on does make a big difference and so I'm only gifting the things we wouldn't have sold.

I would absolutely not lend anything as I've done this before with expensive maternity clothes and other bits, and they've come back ruined / not come back at all. I saved up to buy myself a seraphine maternity hoodie that I lived in for both pregnancies, I lent it as we had planned a 3rd and my friend got bleach on it! So I now just give rather than lend and don't expect it back.

It's absolutely fine to sell on the bigger items, and tell your brother you need the money to fund your DCs next lot of clothes etc.

I’m not sure who you are saying this to, but I have never said she’s living a ‘hand to mouth’ existence.

I do think it’s fine to give some stuff away and want to sell the more pricey ones though.

Situations are never black and white.

I think it depends on the financial situation of both parties, if they are pretty well off then it's not unreasonable to expect them to pay. I'd price the stuff slightly less than I could sell it for.

If they are struggling and you're not, then gift it to them.

If the donor family were going to sell the items for, say a total of £200, would you still think the same way?

People are getting very mixed up here!
there’s a difference between me buying something, no longer wanting it and OFFERING it to someone else.
and… between someone seeing/assuming I bought something I needed and them ASSUMING they could just ask for it and have it and getting awkward and upset when told no.
why anyone needs to tell op she is/isn’t bu is confusing to me. It’s her stuff. She paid for it, she owns it, it’s hers to either offer, sell, donate, smash up, store or keep till she dies!! It’s hers!

I cannot for the life of me understand otherwise!

What can’t you understand? Different families have different expectations and some would expect freely given (as it’s family) ,others would think oh I must pay don’t want you out of pocket. Her brother clearly thinks she should freely give items she’d been planning to sell eg forgo any cash from sale. Other posters are aghast at mere mention of money…it’s family…should be free. Noting they’d give items freely. Others are noting there shouldn’t be an expectation of free items and it’s manipulative to expect a free items by hinting and laying on expectation

My DSis gave me a lot of baby stuff back in the day, including a cot. Things like pram etc were long gone however as quite a big age gap between her youngest and my oldest, but she had kept some stuff up in the loft. I think very probably our parents had bought her the cot in the first place but I'm not sure. She certainly didn't charge me for anything. I later gave the cot to a younger colleague at work who was unexpectedly pregnant and a bit skint. I'm not sure you can ask money for this sort of stuff unless it was very expensive originally and still in very good condition. Average stuff that has been battered by two kids or more is likely not worth much anyway.

Haha, you are the one that is claiming that and making up things that the Op has supposed to have said. Don't be ridiculous, how could anybody think living on poverty is a good way to live? You or another poster claimed that the Op was living like that so i said if that was the case then i didn't understand why she didn't sell everything she could.
No, i absolutely don't live a hand to mouth existence. Do you? Thankfully. I would also and have given things to my family but I'm told that means I'm priviedged - obviously along with many others on this thread.