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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your 'glass next to the dishwasher' moment was?

630 replies

Rosesareradish · 24/02/2024 21:23

Or is it the straw that broke the camels back?

I was working today, so I asked DP to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. He was at home with the children, I was working until 6. At lunch time I text to say I would go to Aldi after work so I'd be late home.

I got home at 7.15, I unloaded the car and he put the shopping away. I went for a wee and said goodnight to the children. I then went in to the living room to ask what was for dinner. Nothing! He didn't get anything out of the freezer, he gave the children soup for tea and he had a nice sausage roll he'd bought.

No thought whatsoever to me eating. My irked face probably gave me away and he suggested I have cereal or cook something I'd just bought from Aldi.

AAAARGH.
AIBU to be so annoyed? I would never have left him without dinner after working. Especially if he then went and did the weekly shop afterwards (which he never does anyway..!)

OP posts:
Tilleuil · 25/02/2024 07:07

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

The point is that what you perceive as a minor issue is the final straw often after years of being taken for granted by your spouse.
Nobody leaves because someone doesn’t make them a meal once.
It’s because this is their daily behaviour, thoughtless and uncaring.
Then one day it’s as if the pp wakes up and realises their partner just doesn’t treat them well and will never change.

Nonewclothes2024 · 25/02/2024 07:09

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

These 'minor issues' are the straws that broke the camel's back.
Hence the thread title...

Chocolateorange11 · 25/02/2024 07:10

When I’d been away for the week with our 18 month old and four old. When I got home at 11pm (5 hour drive) he was busy leaving me to take both children out the car. He then had the nerve to tell me I hadn’t missed him enough (he tried to instigate sex).

The following morning he refused to get out of bed with the 18 month old because he was too tired as he’d stayed up till 4am watching tv.

I asked him to leave 3 days later.

Ramalangadingdong · 25/02/2024 07:17

Codlingmoths · 25/02/2024 00:45

By slowly reversing far too close to a pole. I won’t say any more about this.

Show quote history

Good. Because nobody want to hear it. Poor dp.

Sharontheodopolodous · 25/02/2024 07:20

DuckDuckNo · 24/02/2024 22:36

Oh you should meet my spouse. We once got caught in the rain on our way home from the park, and the walk took us so long we were all super hungry, and soaked. Once we got home, I said "You go fix something to eat, I'll get the kids changed". I got our toddlers warmed up and into clean dry clothes, we went to the dining table with our stomachs growling - and husband entered from the kitchen with a plate full of sandwiches for himself.

Apparently I didn't specify he needed to fix something for everyone.

Show quote history

Not me,but the man my aunt married (he's not my uncle-hes a cock)

They where trying to make it work after being married about 10 years at the time

He really is a selfish dickhead who's mummy had done everything for him-and married my aunt expecting the same

She had tried to train him with limited success

Anyway,we'd all gone out on a day trip-my parents,aunt and dickhead and 6 kids (I remember it was a boiling hot day)

I was stood at the boot of the car,next to dickhead,when aunt asked him to 'grab some cups' as we all needed a drink

Dickhead turned,snarl on face and picked up one cup (they where those stacking ikea cups-less effort to just pick them up and hand the stack over) and handed it to her,fully expecting her to pour his juice

The look on aunts face!

She put in for divorce the following day

Lurkingandlearning · 25/02/2024 07:21

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

I think you’ve misunderstood the thread. It’s about final straw moments, not a one off issue.

The children of good fathers are not without a father after divorce, they just don’t live in the same house.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2024 07:24

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 25/02/2024 00:55

I can't even remember now but the disrespect didn't end when the relationship did

I'm still pissed off that he came to pick up the kids one Friday, asked if he could use the bathroom to shave , I said no ive just cleaned in there . He did anyway and left skid marks in the loo and his hair in the sink after using my razor

It's been 6 years and it still fucking infuriates me

Edited

Disgusting

MyFirstLittlePony · 25/02/2024 07:28

Mean

did he work that day?

does he normally work or is he a sahp?

I stopped cooking for DH most of the time now that I work and he is on a sabbatical

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/02/2024 07:30

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

These are all examples the final straw moments... I'm sure most of these women were neglect for years before leaving

Justkeepswimmingswimming · 25/02/2024 07:32

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

Ending a relationship does not remove a father from a children’s life. Moving from the UK to Australia would do that but living in a different house doesn’t do that.

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2024 07:35

Im assuming this isn't a one off or it wouldn't have annoyed you so much. (Straw camels back@)

The problem with not actually talking about it and resolving it and deciding to just start not doing this for eachother, this will be the start of the end of the relationship, slowly you will start to not consider eachother at all. Talk about it to him and ask him why he doesn't care enough to consider you ? See if he can work to resolve this issues you obviously have in your marriage.

BillyBig · 25/02/2024 07:38

I have 3 daughters and 1 son. Divorced from ex husband who lives with his wife who does all the cleaning / cooking etc. We share custody 50/50

Ive always been harder on my son when it comes to allocating chores. Eg on a Saturday one of the girls will be given the bins to do and he will get the bathrooms. I refuse and I mean REFUSE to put up with any disgusting bathroom behaviour from him when it comes to shaving/skid marks.

He’s probably a better cleaner and cook than the girls are tbh. I’m not passing another shit male into the world

Rosscameasdoody · 25/02/2024 07:38

mumda · 24/02/2024 22:16

If you'd been more specific either in your request about cooking for everyone, then this might have been averted.
I'm going to Aldi indicates I'm bringing food home.

Edited

in that case he wouldn’t have fed himself and the kids. And OP specifically asked him to take something out of the freezer.

Morred · 25/02/2024 07:41

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

It’s sad isn’t it. Fathers don’t care about their children or their wife, are lazy and uninvolved with family and household life and are selfish.

Unsurprisingly when the wife can’t stand this behaviour any more, it turns out the father continues to think of his own children as solely his wife’s concern and is too lazy and selfish and uninvolved to see his children much or make much effort. When the children get old enough to notice this they also vote with their feet and decide not to see much of him.

I agree it’s not an ideal situation (but leaving can definitely be the best option if you have a shit “partner”) but I completely fail to see how it’s the women’s fault.

RidiculousPrice · 25/02/2024 07:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2024 22:46

My ex was mollycoddled by his mother who did everything except wipe his arse. I don’t blame her entirely - this guy got As in maths, economics and German A Levels so I’m sure he could’ve figured out the rudiments of cleaning and laundry by himself. But she is partly responsible, along with his dad who watched her do everything.

The next generation are up and coming. In my office I have an early teen. There are four other people with early teens, four girls and one boy. The girls can cook and clean and have chores and artwork is all over cubicles and they are making crafts to sell for charity and coming to events for various causes. The one boy (BTW he is NT and two of the girls are ND) can't cook, clean, has no chores AND... wait for it... his parents have mice because of all the food he left all over his room. The dad blames the mum for spoiling him but that is just more of the same; that mums parent and dads stand there gormlessly watching.

I've told DD that if she decides to go for boys (she's veering between lesbian and bi at the moment) she should avoid these idiots like the plague. And look for a boy like her dad, who cooks, cleans, cares and is effective.

Careful with the sexism. I have YPs DD and DS and DS is much better at cooking, clearing etc.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/02/2024 07:45

The children must have been about 4 and 7. DH, who is a workaholic, regularly announced late on a Friday night lr first thing on a Saturday morning that he was going with clients to: football, golf, motor racing, or just to bloody work again.

I snapped one weekend and announced at 7ish one morning that I was having a day out. He was left with the dc, a list of their activities, football for DS in the morning, drop and collect DS plus 2 with their addresses, lunch, party for ds in the afternoon, I left the card to write and the present to wrap, dd had to be taken to and collected from Stage Coach. Tea. Baths, Stories.

I left the house at 8.00ish and went to the West End shops and the Tate. I was exhausted and done by about 3.30 but determined not to get home until after 7.30pm. Rather miserably I caught a 22 bus the length of the Kings Road and then got a 30 bus back to Harrods, just to kill some time. I didn't really enjoy the day.

When I got home, he quietly ordered a takeaway, poured me a glass of wine, asked about my day. It was never mentioned again. He never did it again.

TerfTalking · 25/02/2024 07:47

neilyoungismyhero · 25/02/2024 00:31

It's far too late for me to leave sadly but after 40 odd years of marriage he had a tantrum - one of many - and told me he was sick of me serving up the same old shit every night. I pretty much cook from scratch and his meals are varied...
I'm never getting over that..ever..until my dying breath

Oh love, he would have got that on his head. You deserve better, 40 years or not.

SometimesIchangemyname · 25/02/2024 07:48

When we were living abroad in a fancy villa with big gates that was accessed by driving over a path used by lots of local people. There was a family crossing the gates with an elderly person walking slowly. He sped up and drove towards the group to make them hurry out of his way. Mortifying. Showing off he lived there in his big shiny car with his sunglasses on feeling like such a boss making them scatter.
I made my vow to leave him right then.

supersop60 · 25/02/2024 07:48

Boomer1964 · 25/02/2024 07:01

So many MNetters leaving their children without a father in their lives over such minor issues. I also note you don't ask if you do something that OH doesn't like?

Because they are 'such a good dad' ????
These minor things don't happen in isolation - they are the last straw.

borntobequiet · 25/02/2024 07:50

neilyoungismyhero · 25/02/2024 00:31

It's far too late for me to leave sadly but after 40 odd years of marriage he had a tantrum - one of many - and told me he was sick of me serving up the same old shit every night. I pretty much cook from scratch and his meals are varied...
I'm never getting over that..ever..until my dying breath

It’s never too late to make a better life for yourself if you possibly can.

londonloves · 25/02/2024 07:53

Oh gosh so many.
When I told him I was unhappy he said, oh I suppose when we break up you'll be after all my money for child support. Not, oh let's try and make things better, I love you, I want it to work. No. Just thinking I'm going to rinse him for money (to support his child).

Barney16 · 25/02/2024 07:58

DP does fuck all and I mean fuck all around the house. Most evenings after the dinner I have cooked I can hear pottering in the kitchen. When I go in the kitchen he has stacked all pots in the sink. Stacked. He is the most useless fucker I have ever encountered. I'm saving up to move out.

supersop60 · 25/02/2024 07:59

I used to drive 2 hours on a Friday evening after work to see my bf.
It was the day I got there and found, yet again, that there wasn't a clean mug for me to have a cup of tea. And how did I find out? Because I was the one going into the kitchen to make it.
Killed any love stone dead

Ghentsummer · 25/02/2024 08:08

BillyBig · 25/02/2024 07:38

I have 3 daughters and 1 son. Divorced from ex husband who lives with his wife who does all the cleaning / cooking etc. We share custody 50/50

Ive always been harder on my son when it comes to allocating chores. Eg on a Saturday one of the girls will be given the bins to do and he will get the bathrooms. I refuse and I mean REFUSE to put up with any disgusting bathroom behaviour from him when it comes to shaving/skid marks.

He’s probably a better cleaner and cook than the girls are tbh. I’m not passing another shit male into the world

Your poor son. It's not OK to treat him worse than his sisters just because he is a boy. Hopefully your preferential treatment of your daughters won't completely destroy the relationship between siblings.

chimichangaz · 25/02/2024 08:11

Can't believe some posters who (deliberately?) misunderstand the thread title.

I have so many. We were due to go on holiday with friends (UK break) and he was dithering about whether to go or not because he hadn't finished some work he was supposed to do. Said he hated letting people down - he was talking about his work colleagues not me, DS and our friends. I went with DS anyway.

He always used to pull the having a sandwich while waiting for me to make dinner. God I was such an idiot for putting up with it.

Once when DS was a baby and I was struggling to get the car door open to put him into his car seat, ExH said 'oh he's got snot on his face' and laughed, doing nothing about wiping it off. I broke at that point and told him to fucking wipe it off then.

I've got so many examples. It took me so long to leave too - but I did.

A pp was so right when they said how it kills the love stone dead. We didn't have sex for the last three years of our marriage.