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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your 'glass next to the dishwasher' moment was?

630 replies

Rosesareradish · 24/02/2024 21:23

Or is it the straw that broke the camels back?

I was working today, so I asked DP to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. He was at home with the children, I was working until 6. At lunch time I text to say I would go to Aldi after work so I'd be late home.

I got home at 7.15, I unloaded the car and he put the shopping away. I went for a wee and said goodnight to the children. I then went in to the living room to ask what was for dinner. Nothing! He didn't get anything out of the freezer, he gave the children soup for tea and he had a nice sausage roll he'd bought.

No thought whatsoever to me eating. My irked face probably gave me away and he suggested I have cereal or cook something I'd just bought from Aldi.

AAAARGH.
AIBU to be so annoyed? I would never have left him without dinner after working. Especially if he then went and did the weekly shop afterwards (which he never does anyway..!)

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 27/02/2024 18:17

@User373433 is clearly on a wind or permanently has broken toes from such a low bar

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 19:24

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/02/2024 18:17

@User373433 is clearly on a wind or permanently has broken toes from such a low bar

Hopefully wind up. Anyone that substandard should be put out of their misery.

smaugbythesea · 27/02/2024 19:49

@lastchancesalmon what book is it please?

lastchancesalmon · 27/02/2024 20:20

smaugbythesea · 27/02/2024 19:49

@lastchancesalmon what book is it please?

This is how your marriage ends by Matthew Fray

puzzledout · 27/02/2024 21:00

User373433 · 27/02/2024 16:51

Why should he have to cook you a separate dinner? You probably had lunch in peace. He was looking after children all day. I've been a SAHP abd a working parent. Being a working parent is definitely easier. I don't expect dinner for me when my partner is at home with the kids, just as I didn't always cook dinner for my partner when he was working. He isn't your chef.

Hi OPs husband...... how's the prospective divorce looking?

Sceptical123 · 27/02/2024 22:25

MoistTowelette · 27/02/2024 15:21

We used to live/work in SE Asia so hot and humid. Every single time we went out with our young children and stopped to have a drink, snack, lunch etc. he'd quickly order for himself whilst I was sitting down and settling the kids. We would then have to wait for waiter to come back to take our orders. His drink would arrive and he'd sit there and drink an ice cold drink whilst we were waiting, commenting how thirsty he was. His food would come out earlier than ours and we would watch him start to eat. My food would come and he'd pick bits off my plate despite having just eaten. Same with dessert too. It was like a weird race. Drove me batshit.

Why the hell didn’t he order all your food or at least drinks with his???

You could have agreed on food you all like for such a scenario and you’d have eaten and drunk together. Sounds like he enjoyed getting one over on you (and the kids!) I’d have loved it if you said you left him to settle the kids while your ordered for you and them. I hope you’re not still with him or he changed DRASTICALLY!

Sceptical123 · 27/02/2024 22:36

VictoriaEra · 26/02/2024 09:59

Arranging a huge 40th birthday party for myself for all our family and friends. It was the first and last party I ever had. Lots of family and friends with games and bouncy castles for the children. H took 8 hours of video recordings - the old type of camera that recorded to cassettes - and the aim was to reduce it to two hours. Something for the children to keep. When he played the two hour recording - I wasn't on it at all. Everyone else was - mainly his family. I went through the whole 8 hours and I didn't feature once. He had even wandered off to film the beautiful gardens during my speech!

😱

This sounds a lot like my family. I take all the pics and vids of family occasions and so am omitted and rarely feature on one’s they do take. I have to actually ask someone to take a photo of me with others to prove I was actually there 🙄

Your H sounds like a piece of work- probably some resentment and jealousy there, not just bloody thoughtlessness. 💐

Sceptical123 · 27/02/2024 22:39

WestwardHo1 · 26/02/2024 20:41

My dad died at 3.30am. I'd been lying awake waiting for the call in the spare room. I spoke to my sister, and I went back into our bed and said "He's gone". He said "Oh dear", turned over and went back to sleep. I just assumed he'd been sleep talking but didn't wake him again. In the morning he woke me at 7.30 as we had stuff to do, and said "Have you dealt with it yet?" He had woken up and he had heard. He then spent the morning chatting and laughing with our employee as I cried in the other room.

And he tried to defend himself. He thought that was normal behaviour. Pretty sure when his new girlfriend's mum dies he won't act like that.

What a pathetic POS.

I hope when the time comes someone does something similar to him. But he is probably a narcissist so won’t be aware of the irony and will focus on how unsympathetic and evil they are for not caring about him like he deserves. Sounds like you’re well rid.

So sorry this happened to you 🌹

PickAChew · 27/02/2024 23:34

User373433 · 27/02/2024 16:51

Why should he have to cook you a separate dinner? You probably had lunch in peace. He was looking after children all day. I've been a SAHP abd a working parent. Being a working parent is definitely easier. I don't expect dinner for me when my partner is at home with the kids, just as I didn't always cook dinner for my partner when he was working. He isn't your chef.

So you piss in your own cornflakes, then?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 28/02/2024 03:57

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:38

OMG!! 😥😡You've heard of that book 'Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars'? I'm pretty sure that's NOT where men are 'from' but I haven't yet managed to come up with a feasible alternative!! 🙄

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Men are from Uranus?

Sweden99 · 28/02/2024 05:11

PickAChew · 27/02/2024 23:34

So you piss in your own cornflakes, then?

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A very trivial example (from a man), where I got too upset over something trivial...
I would clean up her breakfast things when I got back from work, in part to make space to make dinner.
She was feeling a little hard done to, as I already worked long hours, had a long commute, got stuff for dinner, and then got home cleaned, then made dinner leaving little couples time. For my point of view, I had little time at all.
When she was annoyed, I pointed to the bowl of cocoa pops and I was going over to collect and said if she wanted me to have more time, she could help. She protested that she had cleaned her breakfast bowl, but it was on the table in front of us. And we argued about whether the finished bowl of coca pops was there or not.
A ridiculous thing for me to stay in my memory many years later.

32degrees · 28/02/2024 07:29

@Menomeno

I just want to applaud your courage and survival. It sounds like you escaped a bad situation and raised a wonderful young man despite it.

ohime · 28/02/2024 08:46

Not mine, but a bit of family lore. Ex-DH grew up an army brat, dad stationed in Malaysia. One day his dad came in as his mum, heavily pregnant, was swaying on her feet a bit while ironing his uniforms in their tiny, punishingly hot and humid laundry room. She obviously looked a bit the worse for wear as he solicitously said oh love, come sit down, you look knackered, I'll be right back to help. Out to the shed he went, cue much banging and hammering, and within 20 minutes he'd triumphantly returned... having knocked together a little stool for her to sit on while doing the ironing. Reader, she did not leave him, but she still tells the story 50 years on...

Ramalangadingdong · 28/02/2024 09:10

AnotherSuperHeroe · 27/02/2024 12:21

@AmazingBouncingFerret

I didn't realise you knew I had been through the same with my ex

So while my statement may have come across blunt it really wasn't meant to be

FWIW it took me years to come to terms with how awful my ex really was and I'm thankful every day there were no children as much as he was desperate to baby trap me (me being young and naive and him being 9/10 years older than me an abusive drunk)

fwiw I didn’t think your post was harsh or unfeeling - in fact the opposite.

Ramalangadingdong · 28/02/2024 09:20

AliciaTried · 27/02/2024 16:23

What horrific tales. Unbelievable.
Well done and congrats to all who refused to put up with this, and left. Even if it took a while to build up the courage.
OTOH, whilst their behaviour is on them, for those that stay forever, and go on to have more kids to witness the abuse, well, that's on you.

I have said the same at times but we have no idea of the drip drip effect of this coercive control, the feeling of being trapped. It is like telling someone with an eating disorder just to eat less/more.

AnotherSuperHeroe · 28/02/2024 09:21

@Ramalangadingdong

Thank you

ZetuianRose · 28/02/2024 09:34

Heyhoitsme · 27/02/2024 09:14

When my daughter lived in halls at uni she shared with 5 males. She was very cross at the state one of them had left the kitchen. She told him to get it cleaned and he later called her to see the result. She asked why he didn't wipe the coffee ring off the table and he said it wasn't his as he didn't drink coffee! I often wonder if he's someone's husband now!

That’s fair though. I think the only time it’s acceptable to say “that’s not mine, I’m not doing it” is in a house share situation (as opposed to a relationship where you’re a life-team and love one another).

I have only ever house shared for a few weeks when working in London while I looked for my own place. The girl I lived with rented it from her parents and they let out the other room. She’d always make comments about us “cleaning the bathroom” that weekend, but was never around at weekends as she was at her boyfriend’s house all the time. In those few weeks I fully cleaned the bathroom on several occasions and she never did it once, nor did she help. They then had the cheek to charge me a cleaning fee when I left!

She was shit at cleaning anything, she’d “wash up” her dishes and when I’d get one out to use it would be greasy and I’d have to re-wash it properly. She used to do fried eggs in the frying pan in a morning, then just leave it all day. I’d be home first and want to use the frying pan, so I’d have to wash up her mess first. Eventually I’d had enough, so after she’d used the pan on Friday morning, I found other methods to cook my food and I left the pan to see how long it would be before she’d wash the fucking thing. SUNDAY NIGHT. That’s when she washed it. Lazy, selfish, dirty bitch.

That’s acceptable in your own home. You can clean things whenever you want to. But when you’re in a house share and charging someone for the “privilege” of living there, you need to clean up your own mess almost immediately.

I don’t mind washing up after DP, I also don’t rush to clean up after myself at home. But when I shared I basically cleaned as I went otherwise I felt guilty. Absolutely hated sharing, and I knew I would!

ZetuianRose · 28/02/2024 09:34

beanmumming · 27/02/2024 07:24

I work full time but my company is flexible with office/wfh and general work/life balance. He is self-employed with busy/quiet periods depending on the season. We have three kids: 15, 12 and 5.
Yesterday 5 got dropped home from school by my parents who are visiting, I worked 8.30 to 4.30, got 5 some dinner, took him to squirrels at 5.30 and went for a run whilst he was there. Got home at 6.40, OH walked in just after and asked what’s for dinner. I had a look, decided to make something quick with bacon, sausages, pasta and a sauce jar “urgh I don’t want pasta again”. Admittedly we have pasta a couple of times a week, but almost every meal I do, he will make a comment about how he doesn’t fancy that today. It’s not a deal breaker at the moment but the Perimenopause rage does like to dwell on it… (after the meal he will sometimes make a “funny” comment, thanks for dinner it was soooo good)

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This would be easy. Everything back in the freezer “ok, you can sort dinner then 😊”

walk off.

Bowbobobo · 28/02/2024 10:00

Winnading · 27/02/2024 10:37

You don't have to save the world from your partner. I'd argue it's better to raise children well away from the men described on here. Your children will, grow up seeing and hearing his absolute disrespect of you and possibly continue the cycle. What are we always saying on the relationship board, dont only listen to what he is saying, look at what he is doing.
He can say he loves you, the kids hear that, and then he shows that he doesnt love you by any of the things on this thread. And your children see that. So they can associate loving someone with being a dick to someone. And it's all ok because mum stays with him.

What we would all be better doing is leaving these wasters, and teaching every generation going forward how to have a good relationship. How to recognise the red flags, leave when we see a red flag, not stick around trying to change him. Not have children until you are certain it's a good partner (I know lots of men ramp up around pregnancy and birth but they do still exhibit red flags beforehand)
Teach how to survive alone if necessary, basically teach any relevant thing that means women CAN and WILL get out before it's too late.

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financial independence. Financial Independence. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. The thing all girls should be taught from day 1. It gives us control and gives us choices.

Menomeno · 28/02/2024 10:17

Thank you @32degrees, I am beyond proud of him. x

Newestname002 · 28/02/2024 10:22

BlueThroughandThrough · 27/02/2024 14:08

I had an opportunity at work which meant going back from part time to full time but it was in a section I really wanted to work in. I raised it with him and he said "how does that benefit me? Who is going to have my dinner ready?"

Fair to say I took the job and left the partner.

Wow. Talk about being tone deaf and selfish! He made the decision for you to take the job and make the move away from him so much easier - idiot. (HIM not you). Hope you are having a brilliant time in your new future. 🌹

Atethehalloweenchocs · 28/02/2024 10:28

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:25

With every post I read it's becoming clearer to me that this apparent lack of empathy/sympathy/thoughtfulness partnered with selfishness/entitlement/laziness etc followed by shameful, usually irrational, often bordering on ridiculous but definitely 'squirmy' self vindication, is a lot more common amongst our male companions than I imagined! 😳It would be easy to just blame the personalities of each individual DB/DP/DH but I have a real suspicion that it actually goes a lot deeper than that based on the issues which several posters have mentioned and cannot be ignored! 😠Sadly 'comrades' we are and have always been 'up against it' one way or another with the 'males of the species' and with the encouragement of the likes of Mr Tate and his merry band of incels and misogynists 'ain't nothing going to change anytime soon' and we Just need to keep calling it out...LOUDLY!! 🙄😱

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There is a thing in the news today about the exercise gap between men and women and that ALL women face barriers to exercise at some point in their lives. This jumped out at me

'Perhaps unsurprisingly, the research has unearthed men's perceptions of the challenges women face are different to the reality. Only 34% of men recognised lack of time as a barrier to exercise, despite the vast number of UK women citing the issue.
Instead, men thought 'body insecurities' were the leading problem, with 58% attributing this as the main barrier. Of the top five barriers perceived by men, only one (costs) actually featured in the list of most common obstacles reported by women, highlighting the disparity within understanding the issue.'

The level of disconnect is frightening.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/02/2024 10:36

Bowbobobo · 28/02/2024 10:00

financial independence. Financial Independence. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. The thing all girls should be taught from day 1. It gives us control and gives us choices.

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I’m quoting this in the hopes that someone will read it again and it will sink in.

100% yes to this post.

Fernticket · 28/02/2024 11:51

Justleaveitblankthen · 25/02/2024 05:27

My ex did this and I wondered if it was a cultural thing.
Blow his nose on paper serviettes during a meal and leave them scattered on the table for his mother to clear.
Much worse than that, he blew his nose into the bathroom sink early one morning.. and left it there. 🤢
I was at home with a six month baby and left it there all day to show him. Incandescent doesn't even touch it 🤬
Years later, I had a fling with someone from the same culture and he did the same in the hotel bathroom sink.
Never come across it from anyone else and I grew up with brothers.

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🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮

Monkeytrousers04 · 28/02/2024 11:56

Bowbobobo · 28/02/2024 10:00

financial independence. Financial Independence. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. The thing all girls should be taught from day 1. It gives us control and gives us choices.

Show quote history

Totally… this is why I am still in my relationship. I’m building my career back up from years of mat leave and PT working… I’ll get there but I’m kicking myself that I didn’t have a back up plan.

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