Page 21 | To ask what your 'glass next to the dishwasher' moment was?

Rosesareradish · 2024-02-24T21:23:18+00:00

Or is it the straw that broke the camels back? I was working today, so I asked DP to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. He was at home with the children, I was working until 6. At lunch time I text to say I would go to Aldi after work so I'd be late home. I got home at 7.15, I unloaded the car and he put the shopping away. I went for a wee and said goodnight to the children. I then went in to the living room to ask what was for dinner. Nothing! He didn't get anything out of the freezer, he gave the children soup for tea and he had a nice sausage roll he'd bought. No thought whatsoever to me eating. My irked face probably gave me away and he suggested I have cereal or cook something I'd just bought from Aldi. AAAARGH. AIBU to be so annoyed? I would never have left him without dinner after working. Especially if he then went and did the weekly shop afterwards (which he never does anyway..!)

N0Tfunny · 27/02/2024 10:26

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

Why do you care if he calls you a psycho to his next woman?

What’s best for you and your kids is to get away and build a new life for yourselves. You deserve better.

Please think about starting a new thread for yourself in Relationships and think how we can support you to leave him.

Popcorn42 · 27/02/2024 10:31

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

But you are teaching them to accept it as you are still there.
Honestly I've been there starting again seems impossible.. but don't waste your one precious life on being an unappreciated slave to A man child.. you can do it! run as fast as you can and be happy and know your worth!
Be single or find someone who shows you your worth....don't show your kids that you have to stay and put up with it show them how strong and independent a woman can be x

YuleDragon · 27/02/2024 10:33

He told me i couldn't go out with my friends for the day on a Saturday, even though i'd planned to leave the kids with mom and give him the day to himself.

Really was quite a petty 'final straw' but it was on top of YEARS of EA/bullying.

I'd had one foot out the door for a while, but hadn't quite had that final push to make me walk all the way out. but trying to tell me what i can/can't do in my free time.. nah. i left 2 days later, he went to work, my brother took a day off work, got me and kids packed in one afternoon. best thing i ever did.

Winnading · 27/02/2024 10:37

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

You don't have to save the world from your partner. I'd argue it's better to raise children well away from the men described on here. Your children will, grow up seeing and hearing his absolute disrespect of you and possibly continue the cycle. What are we always saying on the relationship board, dont only listen to what he is saying, look at what he is doing.
He can say he loves you, the kids hear that, and then he shows that he doesnt love you by any of the things on this thread. And your children see that. So they can associate loving someone with being a dick to someone. And it's all ok because mum stays with him.

What we would all be better doing is leaving these wasters, and teaching every generation going forward how to have a good relationship. How to recognise the red flags, leave when we see a red flag, not stick around trying to change him. Not have children until you are certain it's a good partner (I know lots of men ramp up around pregnancy and birth but they do still exhibit red flags beforehand)
Teach how to survive alone if necessary, basically teach any relevant thing that means women CAN and WILL get out before it's too late.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/02/2024 10:44

AnotherSuperHeroe · 26/02/2024 18:18

You do realise that was rape / sexual assault

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Yes I’m sure she never realised until you pointed it out in such an empathetic and caring way.

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:46

You are not being unreasonable however, as other people have said most men don't think the same way as we do

Why the fuck do women insist upon making excuses for these failures, just because they’re men?!

Tamrastarr · 27/02/2024 10:51

When I had our second child and he disappeared for a bit after. Came back to the delivery room munching on a sandwich from a meal deal. I asked him if he had got me anything and he said "oh, did you want something?"

pastypirate · 27/02/2024 10:55

Suchagroovyguy · 27/02/2024 10:46

You are not being unreasonable however, as other people have said most men don't think the same way as we do

Why the fuck do women insist upon making excuses for these failures, just because they’re men?!

Men don't pull this shit at work do they.

SpeedyDrama · 27/02/2024 11:20

IntoTheMild · 27/02/2024 10:11

Mine was on my first Mother’s Day when he didn’t buy me a card, bearing in mind I’d made a big deal out of Father’s Day even though he was always a terrible dad who had barely held our DD for five minutes let alone anything else. When I was upset about not getting a card he laughed at me.

He then proceeded to go to the shop ( I thought stupidly to buy me a card) but returned with a meal deal for himself and nothing for me, there wasn’t any food in the house and I was hungry and breastfeeding. Horrible ‘man’.

That’s horrible, especially for your first Mother’s Day!

My ex was actually pretty thoughtful with gifts during the early years, even though we’re were on our arses skint for a couple of years. It was truly the thought that counted. But as we became more stable financially, he became more and more thoughtless. He always expected effort for him, especially a card full of sweet sentiments.

One of the last MD we had as a couple, I only asked for a card (homemade would have been absolutely lovely, I was asking for an ounce of effort). The Sunday morning I sat in bed as he took the kids and said with the proudest look ‘don’t worry, didn’t get you anything!’. I thought he was joking, he spent half the morning snorting at ‘silly blokes’ on his Facebook having gone to so much effort (because flowers and chocolate was so ott). By lunch I’d realised he not only hadn’t bothered, he was actively taking the mick. It was bizarrely cruel, I cried that night just from not understanding wtf I had done to deserve being treated like that.

He pulled the same stunt last MD but since we had separated I didn’t say a word (the kids had school made cards at this point so it didn’t actually matter). He got the same for Fathers Day. Funnily enough he’s currently making a big song and dance at drop off/pick up about ‘what to get mummy for Mother’s Day’ this year…

TabbyM · 27/02/2024 11:26

Big hugs to everyone, seriously considering a nunnery...

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/02/2024 11:46

pastypirate · 27/02/2024 10:55

Men don't pull this shit at work do they.

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No, and miraculously they manage to survive when they live by themselves and before they manage to find some poor woman to dump everything on. They manage to have enough food in, clear up after themselves and even do a bit of laundry and cleaning.

A woman arrives on the scene and it's like, "Phew, don't have to bother any more, there's a bird to do it for me."

Fuck that for a lark.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/02/2024 11:51

JCLV · 27/02/2024 08:01

Scary how many men really don’t care about the welfare of their children.

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Do you remember the awful case in america where the mum killed all 5 of her children, chasing some of them through the house to catch them? There was so much focus on her and her psychosis (rightly) but very little discussion of the useless husband who had left her to struggle and suffer.

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 11:56

KnittingKnewbie · 25/02/2024 08:37

Or I'd make a massive pot of bolognaise (sp?) , serve him that every night, and continue making lovely dinners for myself

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Yeah sure, double the work you do to keep the inconsiderate man happy!

Brilliant piece of advice, who would have taught that treating a man like a spoiled fussy toddler was going to be the right solution! ?

Shall she offer fish fingers as well? 🙄

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/02/2024 12:04

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 11:56

Yeah sure, double the work you do to keep the inconsiderate man happy!

Brilliant piece of advice, who would have taught that treating a man like a spoiled fussy toddler was going to be the right solution! ?

Shall she offer fish fingers as well? 🙄

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Indeed. Plus the fact that some blokes would be more than happy with spag bol every night.

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 12:09

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 25/02/2024 09:04

Since some people don’t recognise the “glass by dishwasher” reference this might help. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

It is the continual lack of respect, thought and kindness that can end marriages. The glass by the dishwasher is just what brought everything to a head.

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That guy might have written a full essay on the subject of the glass by the dishwasher but still missed the bloody point… that he should clear the mess he made.

Instead he made the glass a symbol of love and appreciation as if men had to do little stupid things not because it is their job as well, women fixate on non issues.

The author reminded me a lot of the man and the self cleaning house:

THE MYSTERY OF THE BASKET

MORE VIDEOS AT https://www.facebook.com/KinneTVshow/

https://youtu.be/SqQgDwA0BNU?si=CBtILCNEO1sf6sDo

AnotherSuperHeroe · 27/02/2024 12:21

@AmazingBouncingFerret

I didn't realise you knew I had been through the same with my ex

So while my statement may have come across blunt it really wasn't meant to be

FWIW it took me years to come to terms with how awful my ex really was and I'm thankful every day there were no children as much as he was desperate to baby trap me (me being young and naive and him being 9/10 years older than me an abusive drunk)

YuleDragon · 27/02/2024 12:31

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

Lovely, you can't let the fear of 'unleashing' him on someone else make you stay.

It isn't about him, or some hypothetical future partner, it's about you, and your kids, and what is best for all of you.

I should NEVER have married my ExH, and it took me 16 years, marriage counselling, and 2 attempts to leave him.. leaving is hard, its fucking scary, even when you've had that 'glass/straw' moment, and it's not easy, its rocky, and difficult, and stressful.

I used to post about my ex on here, the shit he did, the knots he tied me in, people got sick of me moaning and stopped supporting me because i turned into one of those women who make excuses and never leave.

But eventually i DID leave, and that was 7 years ago, and honestly, the BEST thing i ever did. I'm happy, my kids are happier, confident, know they're safe and loved and while they do see him, and he is still a cunt at times, they know they're going to come home to a stable, loving, happy home at the end of the weekend.

I will always tell women who are at that break point, do it, please, take the leap, i know it looks like one hell of a drop, but you'll find your wings.

Take the leap. It's worth it.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 27/02/2024 12:40

Newestname002 · 27/02/2024 06:14

@TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow

Well it's council and his house as well so I didn't fancy antagonising things and him moving back in !

He's moved to Ireland now though so no chance of that anymore

Have you removed his name from the lease/contract now? He sounds the sort of person who'd do whatever would inconvenience you most if he ever came back. 🌹

Yes he's off it now, he definitely is the type

chimichangaz · 27/02/2024 12:43

@Monkeytrousers04 please listen to the advice that people are giving you on this thread. You - and your children - deserve much much better than this.

I know it's hard and scary, it was for me too and it took me three years to work up the courage but it has been so worth it. Big hugs 💐

AmazingBouncingFerret · 27/02/2024 12:59

AnotherSuperHeroe · 27/02/2024 12:21

@AmazingBouncingFerret

I didn't realise you knew I had been through the same with my ex

So while my statement may have come across blunt it really wasn't meant to be

FWIW it took me years to come to terms with how awful my ex really was and I'm thankful every day there were no children as much as he was desperate to baby trap me (me being young and naive and him being 9/10 years older than me an abusive drunk)

I am very sorry to hear about your past experiences it is indeed horrible, but in the kindest possible way, why would I know what you’d been through? Your comment was blunt and weird whether you meant it or not.

RedBoxWithABow · 27/02/2024 13:00

I work full time, 2 Fridays ago I had a half day off so I did all the laundry, vacuumed, dusted, washed the dishes and cooked. All laundry (his, DCs and mine) dried and neatly folded. He comes home, picks up the jeans from the clean pile. The next morning, I go to his side of bed to open the curtains and I see that same, freshly washed pair of jeans crumpled on the floor, together with dirty socks.

That was the day he got 'either or' speech and he's still 'on probation'.

crockofshite · 27/02/2024 13:04

puzzledout · 25/02/2024 17:01

Yep another martyr and fool! Raising men that will try to do the same to their partners and teaching her daughters if she has any to be martyrs and fools.

So the cycle continues.

That has to be the most extreme that I've heard though.

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I got this years ago at the office when I came back from holiday - stinking black bin liners piled up, light bulbs not working etc. Horrible bunch of cunts they were. I stayed there for years, partly to spite them :-)

carelesser · 27/02/2024 13:19

NorthbyNorthwest22 · 26/02/2024 18:44

The selfish sandwich incident.

About 15 years ago we had a full Saturday, birthday lunch for a relative then on to the pub for engagement drinks for friends.
Got home around 1130pm, both had plenty to drink but not leathered. Last time we had eaten was 2pm plus a bag of crisps at the pub.

I went straight upstairs, bursting for the loo then got changed. Was gone 6/7 minutes. Came down to him eating a sandwich he had made for himself and a cup of coffee.
I asked where mine was and he said he had no idea I wanted one. Full blown wine endured rant followed about how the hell would he know if I wanted a sandwich or a brew because he hasn’t bothered to ask! He just didn’t get it.

Got up early next day and made myself a bacon butty. Didn’t make him one because he didn’t ask.

Good! How did he react?

carelesser · 27/02/2024 13:22

Pres11 · 26/02/2024 19:28

I have many. I was in agony with what I eventually found out to be gall stones and I actually had pancreatitis because of it. He told me I just ‘needed to go to the toilet’ and when to his evening college class leaving me alone with a 3 month old. I had to ring my mum who stayed with my baby and my friend drove me to an and e, when he got home I was in hospital and stayed there for 4 days!

another was when I got home after he had got home from work with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, my 1 year old was being difficult getting out of the car, I had unfastened him but he was arching his back and not letting me pick him out. I was absolutely desperate for the toilet, having been stuck in the car for hours, and ran in and said to him, he was stood right in front of me, I’m just going to the toilet , I’m desperate could you get dc2. When I came back, he was sat down looking at his phone, I said where’s dc2, he said ‘not my problem! You couldn’t be arsed to get him in!’ I ran outside and he was out of the car running around the front garden where anything could have happened to him!!! Still upsets me to this day!

Hope he is an ex now?

carelesser · 27/02/2024 13:25

fixies · 26/02/2024 20:03

lol this happened to me on Valentine's Day, 7 months pregnant with our first child. He had been working at home and watching tv since he stopped at 5pm. I got home late (8ish). He'd eaten the remaining bread / milk / basics. First word to me was ' don't worry about my dinner, I've just had a sandwich and some cereal' . Literally nothing left in the house for a very hungry pregnant lady. Not bothered to go to the shops. Nothing for valentines- I'd given him a handmade box of chocolates made by a friend of his that morning. Thought I'm might come home to something???

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Hope he is an ex?