Page 22 | To ask what your 'glass next to the dishwasher' moment was?

Rosesareradish · 2024-02-24T21:23:18+00:00

Or is it the straw that broke the camels back? I was working today, so I asked DP to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. He was at home with the children, I was working until 6. At lunch time I text to say I would go to Aldi after work so I'd be late home. I got home at 7.15, I unloaded the car and he put the shopping away. I went for a wee and said goodnight to the children. I then went in to the living room to ask what was for dinner. Nothing! He didn't get anything out of the freezer, he gave the children soup for tea and he had a nice sausage roll he'd bought. No thought whatsoever to me eating. My irked face probably gave me away and he suggested I have cereal or cook something I'd just bought from Aldi. AAAARGH. AIBU to be so annoyed? I would never have left him without dinner after working. Especially if he then went and did the weekly shop afterwards (which he never does anyway..!)

goody2shooz · 27/02/2024 13:31

Truly scary number of simply horrible, selfish, unempathetic men out there.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2024 13:53

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

But if you accept it why do you think they won't?

mandlerparr · 27/02/2024 13:54

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 11:56

Yeah sure, double the work you do to keep the inconsiderate man happy!

Brilliant piece of advice, who would have taught that treating a man like a spoiled fussy toddler was going to be the right solution! ?

Shall she offer fish fingers as well? 🙄

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he complained about too much pasta. hence, pasta every day.

BreathingDeep · 27/02/2024 13:55

Having been in hospital with suspected brain injury, I was let out and told to have someone with me at all times for the next 48 hours. He went to a wedding reception, got drunk and didn't come home until the early hours. We'd been married three weeks. This told me everything but it still took years before I left.

ducksinarow123 · 27/02/2024 13:57

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 09:45

At first I thought this thread would make me feel better about my “moment”, that I’d get a sense of solidarity from other women also living with this type of behaviour but no. I feel ashamed that I still put up with it when so many of you left and moved on. I feel angry that so many men behave in this way and nothing is being done to tackle the root cause of the issue… obviously being left by your partner should be a wake up call but I bet it isn’t. I once dated a guy who told me his ex was a psycho. I imagine all the men who have been discussed here and ultimately dumped, are saying the same thing to their next partner… she’ll say wow, that’s shocking, I can’t believe she left you for that and then two years down the line she’s cleaning up dog shit off the carpet on her birthday… I don’t know how to make things change for the better and this is the most depressing thing of all… at least if I stay with my twat I’m not unleashing him onto some other woman and being branded a psycho. As long as I raise my kids to not accept this kind of behaviour/ behave in this way then surely thats best for everyone.

I think the hope is we raise the next generation better so our daughters don't have to put up with useless partners, and our sons step up.

I read something a while back, and it partly stems from society changing and encouraging woman into successful careers, telling us we can have it all - family and career, but whilst this movement has grown and grown, what hasn't is men being told in the 70s/80s/90s etc, that for woman to become more equal in the work place, men need to step up and bet equal in the home. They sought of sleepwalked through the feminist revolution and are now lost and confused waking up to "oh shit, now we have to pull our fingers out too". There are some incredibly good men out there (so I'm told) but many have seen their dads being the breadwinner and still waited on by their mums. Hopefully change will come, but I think many of us (30-60yr olds) are very much the sandwich generation.
As an almost-divorced 40yr old, I can happily say I am looking forward to a single future with no intention of dating ever again.

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 14:05

SeemsSoUnfair · 25/02/2024 11:25

Why couldn’t you just take the sheets out of bath and have a shower? Why did you have to spend the day in laundrette instead of just putting them in after his stuff?

Obviously he should have sorted it and you were trying to make it into a point, but performance over reacting rarely resolves issues.

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Yeah sure, because you can get a selfish arse to become a reasonable husband if you just ask nicely…

The most likely outcomes would be the woman gets shouted at as “he didn’t mean it” OR the bedsheets staying in the bath until he needed it and then on the floor for days until he shouted at her to clean them.

BlueThroughandThrough · 27/02/2024 14:08

I had an opportunity at work which meant going back from part time to full time but it was in a section I really wanted to work in. I raised it with him and he said "how does that benefit me? Who is going to have my dinner ready?"

Fair to say I took the job and left the partner.

MoistTowelette · 27/02/2024 15:21

We used to live/work in SE Asia so hot and humid. Every single time we went out with our young children and stopped to have a drink, snack, lunch etc. he'd quickly order for himself whilst I was sitting down and settling the kids. We would then have to wait for waiter to come back to take our orders. His drink would arrive and he'd sit there and drink an ice cold drink whilst we were waiting, commenting how thirsty he was. His food would come out earlier than ours and we would watch him start to eat. My food would come and he'd pick bits off my plate despite having just eaten. Same with dessert too. It was like a weird race. Drove me batshit.

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 15:37

mandlerparr · 27/02/2024 13:54

he complained about too much pasta. hence, pasta every day.

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Made by you as well?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/02/2024 15:40

Not quite the topic but related to it.
When I was about eighteen and still living at home with my parents the neighbour next door had a four sons and three girls. One particular day the younger two boys aged 16 and 14 started smashing empty beer bottles over the shared path.
I’d just got in from college, my parents were out it was almost dusk and I was concerned one of the parents would trip over the mess so I took a sweeping brush out and said to the boys “You made the mess so you can clean it up,” the younger of the two of did, or at least he started too. The older scarpered
His mother must have been watching through the window, she came out and snatched the brush off him and shouted “ That’s not his job, boys don’t do that! Sent him inside she then called one of his sisters out to clean it up.
I was flabbergasted.

Namechangeforname · 27/02/2024 15:46

when he let his mum undermine my parenting after she left her pills out on the table and dc(2) got hold of them. This after multiple concerns from me about her behaviour. He is still not backing me….

Menomeno · 27/02/2024 15:46

ducksinarow123 · 27/02/2024 13:57

I think the hope is we raise the next generation better so our daughters don't have to put up with useless partners, and our sons step up.

I read something a while back, and it partly stems from society changing and encouraging woman into successful careers, telling us we can have it all - family and career, but whilst this movement has grown and grown, what hasn't is men being told in the 70s/80s/90s etc, that for woman to become more equal in the work place, men need to step up and bet equal in the home. They sought of sleepwalked through the feminist revolution and are now lost and confused waking up to "oh shit, now we have to pull our fingers out too". There are some incredibly good men out there (so I'm told) but many have seen their dads being the breadwinner and still waited on by their mums. Hopefully change will come, but I think many of us (30-60yr olds) are very much the sandwich generation.
As an almost-divorced 40yr old, I can happily say I am looking forward to a single future with no intention of dating ever again.

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I absolutely agree. I wrote earlier in this thread about my two year old calling me a fucking stupid bitch, which was my catalyst to leave his father. He’s 25 now, got a good job and just bought a house with his girlfriend. He is an amazing young man. He does most of the housework, shopping and cooks from scratch as his gf works very long hours. He’s really thoughtful and caring. He dotes on his gf, and me and his sister (and his cat!). He visits his grandmothers regularly, does their shopping and jobs for them even though they both live over an hour away.

He is 100% the complete opposite of his abusive father. I know that wouldn’t be the case if I’d stayed in the relationship. He’d have grown up learning that husbands are selfish, do nothing in the house, don’t interact with their children and have zero respect for their partners.

To every woman out there stuck with an arse, who is worried about the effect on the children of breaking up the marriage, I can promise you that it’s is infinitely better than the effect of staying.

AliciaTried · 27/02/2024 16:23

What horrific tales. Unbelievable.
Well done and congrats to all who refused to put up with this, and left. Even if it took a while to build up the courage.
OTOH, whilst their behaviour is on them, for those that stay forever, and go on to have more kids to witness the abuse, well, that's on you.

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:25

WestwardHo1 · 26/02/2024 20:41

My dad died at 3.30am. I'd been lying awake waiting for the call in the spare room. I spoke to my sister, and I went back into our bed and said "He's gone". He said "Oh dear", turned over and went back to sleep. I just assumed he'd been sleep talking but didn't wake him again. In the morning he woke me at 7.30 as we had stuff to do, and said "Have you dealt with it yet?" He had woken up and he had heard. He then spent the morning chatting and laughing with our employee as I cried in the other room.

And he tried to defend himself. He thought that was normal behaviour. Pretty sure when his new girlfriend's mum dies he won't act like that.

With every post I read it's becoming clearer to me that this apparent lack of empathy/sympathy/thoughtfulness partnered with selfishness/entitlement/laziness etc followed by shameful, usually irrational, often bordering on ridiculous but definitely 'squirmy' self vindication, is a lot more common amongst our male companions than I imagined! 😳It would be easy to just blame the personalities of each individual DB/DP/DH but I have a real suspicion that it actually goes a lot deeper than that based on the issues which several posters have mentioned and cannot be ignored! 😠Sadly 'comrades' we are and have always been 'up against it' one way or another with the 'males of the species' and with the encouragement of the likes of Mr Tate and his merry band of incels and misogynists 'ain't nothing going to change anytime soon' and we Just need to keep calling it out...LOUDLY!! 🙄😱

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:31

I have just posted this in reply to an individual comment so apologies for duplication but, as this subject is relevant to me personally, I felt I just needed to make my point to a wider 'audience'! 😢
With every post I read it's becoming clearer to me that this apparent lack of empathy/sympathy/thoughtfulness partnered with selfishness/entitlement/laziness etc followed by shameful, usually irrational, often bordering on ridiculous but definitely 'squirmy' self vindication, is a lot more common amongst our male companions than I imagined! 😳It would be easy to just blame the personalities of each individual DB/DP/DH but I have a real suspicion that it actually goes a lot deeper than that based on the issues which several posters have mentioned and cannot be ignored! 😠Sadly 'comrades' we are and have always been 'up against it' one way or another with the 'males of the species' and with the encouragement of the likes of Mr Tate and his merry band of incels and misogynists 'ain't nothing going to change anytime soon' and we Just need to keep calling it out...LOUDLY!! 🙄😱

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:38

BreathingDeep · 27/02/2024 13:55

Having been in hospital with suspected brain injury, I was let out and told to have someone with me at all times for the next 48 hours. He went to a wedding reception, got drunk and didn't come home until the early hours. We'd been married three weeks. This told me everything but it still took years before I left.

OMG!! 😥😡You've heard of that book 'Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars'? I'm pretty sure that's NOT where men are 'from' but I haven't yet managed to come up with a feasible alternative!! 🙄

JCLV · 27/02/2024 16:42

MoistTowelette · 27/02/2024 15:21

We used to live/work in SE Asia so hot and humid. Every single time we went out with our young children and stopped to have a drink, snack, lunch etc. he'd quickly order for himself whilst I was sitting down and settling the kids. We would then have to wait for waiter to come back to take our orders. His drink would arrive and he'd sit there and drink an ice cold drink whilst we were waiting, commenting how thirsty he was. His food would come out earlier than ours and we would watch him start to eat. My food would come and he'd pick bits off my plate despite having just eaten. Same with dessert too. It was like a weird race. Drove me batshit.

I hope you aren't still with him. He sounds really selfish.

Monkeytrousers04 · 27/02/2024 16:45

ducksinarow123 · 27/02/2024 13:57

I think the hope is we raise the next generation better so our daughters don't have to put up with useless partners, and our sons step up.

I read something a while back, and it partly stems from society changing and encouraging woman into successful careers, telling us we can have it all - family and career, but whilst this movement has grown and grown, what hasn't is men being told in the 70s/80s/90s etc, that for woman to become more equal in the work place, men need to step up and bet equal in the home. They sought of sleepwalked through the feminist revolution and are now lost and confused waking up to "oh shit, now we have to pull our fingers out too". There are some incredibly good men out there (so I'm told) but many have seen their dads being the breadwinner and still waited on by their mums. Hopefully change will come, but I think many of us (30-60yr olds) are very much the sandwich generation.
As an almost-divorced 40yr old, I can happily say I am looking forward to a single future with no intention of dating ever again.

Show quote history

I 100% agree with this. I’m mid-40s and this is what I grew up with. As well as a load of ill informed but very well meaning messages about girl power… and some not so well meaning messages about body image.

Before kids we both worked FT and household chores were almost equally divided. Cooking certainly was and we did our own laundry. Fast forward to 3 x DCs later, ie, 3 x maternity leaves and switching to PT working and I end up with the lions share of housework and cooking.

Youngest DC started school this year so I’m back FT again. I’m working really hard to relinquish control of the chores I took on when I wasn’t full time, and trying my hardest not to pick up after him/ the kids all the time. It’s been tough for everyone.

But what also doesn’t help is my mum’s attitude… so let’s say I’ve left the washing up for DP to do because I cooked. If she happens to be here visiting/ looking after the kids, etc. she will chirp on at me (not him) to just get it done, ask why have I left it, say its easier to just do it “for him”… she will then rightly acknowledge that it was different for her because she didn’t work. But not say it in a supportive way, more like a therefore you should give up work kind of way…

I don’t think women can have everything. Not until bigger things change. Like you say men are only just waking up to what they need to do and they don’t like it.

I bloody loved being single. If I ever “find my wings” and get out of this relationship I will never date again. Ever.

Congratulations on your soon to be divorce. xx

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:45

BlueThroughandThrough · 27/02/2024 14:08

I had an opportunity at work which meant going back from part time to full time but it was in a section I really wanted to work in. I raised it with him and he said "how does that benefit me? Who is going to have my dinner ready?"

Fair to say I took the job and left the partner.

SERIOUSLY?! He actually said that...out loud!!! WTAF!!! 😱I'd like to think that you leaving him taught him something but commons sense and evidence to the contrary posted on this forum would sadly poo poo that notion?! 😥🙄

User373433 · 27/02/2024 16:51

Why should he have to cook you a separate dinner? You probably had lunch in peace. He was looking after children all day. I've been a SAHP abd a working parent. Being a working parent is definitely easier. I don't expect dinner for me when my partner is at home with the kids, just as I didn't always cook dinner for my partner when he was working. He isn't your chef.

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 16:54

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/02/2024 15:40

Not quite the topic but related to it.
When I was about eighteen and still living at home with my parents the neighbour next door had a four sons and three girls. One particular day the younger two boys aged 16 and 14 started smashing empty beer bottles over the shared path.
I’d just got in from college, my parents were out it was almost dusk and I was concerned one of the parents would trip over the mess so I took a sweeping brush out and said to the boys “You made the mess so you can clean it up,” the younger of the two of did, or at least he started too. The older scarpered
His mother must have been watching through the window, she came out and snatched the brush off him and shouted “ That’s not his job, boys don’t do that! Sent him inside she then called one of his sisters out to clean it up.
I was flabbergasted.

Not an uncommon reaction unfortunately amongst the older female generation (that's funny, I'm 75 and talking about the 'older generation'!🙄) and sadly that's the powerful but destructive little seed that was planted from birth into our Father's heads and then subsequently into our DB/DP/DH's heads!! 😏😡

Cariadm · 27/02/2024 17:06

User373433 · 27/02/2024 16:51

Why should he have to cook you a separate dinner? You probably had lunch in peace. He was looking after children all day. I've been a SAHP abd a working parent. Being a working parent is definitely easier. I don't expect dinner for me when my partner is at home with the kids, just as I didn't always cook dinner for my partner when he was working. He isn't your chef.

WTAF!!! I think you need to go back and read the OP again? 🙄She's been at work, she's been shopping, all she had asked him to do was to TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE FREEZER!!! 😳Where does she say she wanted him to cook for her and have her dinner on the table waiting?! He gave the children SOUP for god's sake and had a 'sausage roll' himself, hardly exhausting so opening the freezer door and getting something out for her to microwave maybe when she got home doesn't seem to much of a stretch to me?! He either has 'selective hearing' or 'memory' or both and is seemingly lacking in the kindness and thoughtfulness department also?! 😱

mandlerparr · 27/02/2024 17:11

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 15:37

Made by you as well?

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not sure how that would work since I don't live with the poster we are all commenting on, but yes, sometimes doing something petty does make a point stronger than doing nothing at all.

NotAgainWilson · 27/02/2024 17:54

Well, since you are advising cooking separately for an ungrateful man, I suppose that’s what you do at home? Otherwise I cannot begin to imagine how you think this is a good solution.

SpeedyDrama · 27/02/2024 17:57

User373433 · 27/02/2024 16:51

Why should he have to cook you a separate dinner? You probably had lunch in peace. He was looking after children all day. I've been a SAHP abd a working parent. Being a working parent is definitely easier. I don't expect dinner for me when my partner is at home with the kids, just as I didn't always cook dinner for my partner when he was working. He isn't your chef.

‘Didn’t always cook dinner’ - but you did sometimes right? Even if you’d been at work all day?