Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

You're not being a dick because he has other perfectly reasonable solutions he could choose.

I don’t think asking for a quiet space in the house somewhere is a big ask really. I also think if you have children setting a precedent that when someone is studying they need peace and quiet is good.

finding a less communal space for him than the kitchen is a good call though.

Well he is clearly different....you did it your way which doesn't work for him. Doesn't mean he's wrong!

How old are your kids?

He is being totally unreasonable, he needs to solve this problem himself, either by working in your bedroom or going out. He should have thought of this before he committed to the course.

Say I’ve made many suggestions for things you could do. I won’t be doing that again. I have one question for you- where the fuck were you when I was studying? Which I fitted in around family life and I had to concentrate through family noise. Marriage is a two way relationship and right now it’s going two way, you are getting the exact same amount of support you gave me, go look in the mirror and tell yourself to stop whingeing about it because I’m done listening. You reap what you sow.

A shed?

Ask him how he intends to solve his problem. Stare him out whilst you ask....

"Listen mate. I managed to get my PHD under exactly the same circumstances that you've got. Suck it up like I did and use the options that are available. And stop sulking and stomping like a bloody toddler. You a man or a child?"

I think you are unreasonable to think that because you can study in a noisy environment that he should be able to. But I think he is being unreasonable to refuse to consider any of the options and extremely unreasonable if he does want to convert a child’s bedroom into his office!

He's being fucking ridiculous, you've given him plenty of options - options he should have come up with himself being an adult. You refer to him as a partner rather than husband. Is he the kids Dad? Or can you just get rid? Either way, no way would I even consider them giving up a room because a grown man is incapable of finding a quiet place to study.

Yup, and I’d really enjoy telling the self absorbed sulky little bastard.

Not unreasonable to find noise and distraction hard - people are different.

Wildly unreasonable to expect you all to turn things upside down to accommodate him!

Is that what he's asking?

This, and is it the same post grad? Am impressed you did one on your breaks!

Yes but part of the reason it doesn't work is because he wants to watch his sports. The children shouldn't have to tiptoe about and be quiet in their house at normal times because he wants to do his study around his sports watching schedule

He's being totally selfish and should study in another room with the door shut and headphones on. That way, he has his peace and you all have your family life. I don't think you should all have to pander to him and 'walk on eggshells' just because he's too self-centred to compromise. Don't give in to it!

My DP WFH full time and sometimes the kids make noise and he complains. And I shrug my shoulders, it's a family home first. If he doesn't like it there are plenty of options outside the home to work in the conditions he prefers. No sympathy or eggshells from me.

He seems unwilling to make any kind of compromises to get his peaceful environment. He needs to be more flexible and take up some of the suggestions you have made. Noise cancelling headphones are also a good call.

Really , is any reason why he can't go to a large main library ? That's one of the reasons they are there .

Library will be open all day at weekends?

You’ve made valid suggestions to try and help him and he’s rejected them. I’d put it all back on him to solve it in a way that doesn’t involve your family being totally silent.

He just needs to go out and study somewhere else if he isn’t happy with the noise at home. It’s really basic. If he can’t see that then he’s a dickhead

When i was in the same boat i went to the uni library if i needed peace at the weekend. I remember that time fondly. Coffee, books and unrelenting silence. It was bliss.

What is his solution?

If it's that you should all go out, or tip toe around, he can do one.

He is BU IMO, there are plenty of options there for quieter places. It's his choice if he does not want to go to a quieter room, the library, when the kids are out. He will just have to suck it up if he's not willing to make the compromise. An hour of quieter time is fine, expecting silence in a family home for hours is not. Nor should OP have to wrangle the kids and pets out the house for hours alone for DP to have his silence. As for the I don't want to do it this afternoon because sport is on, well tough. Either sacrifice the sport and do the work or work in the noise.

Perhaps he needs a shed in the garden. Homes are homes, it is your children's and pets home. They should not be walking on eggshells because Dad wants silence to do his studying.

As I have told DH when he decided to WFH permanently, this is our home not an office. I will not walk on eggshells and prevent DD from living in her home. Its up to you to keep your office door closed, DD is quite entitled to walk and play in her home. Same with having friends over. This is our home not an office. He has kept his door shut and not complained so far and we are 3 years in now.