Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

The options you suggest are logical.
Your attitude needs to be sympathetic though, Op.

Most people need a quiet place to study.
Agree to that notion and offer up the same suggestions again though you and the kids should be respectful enough to be not over noisy.

If DH is someone who can only study in silence then he will have to move to the bedroom with headphones or go to a library.

he’s being a total Nob. Why doesn’t he go out ?

write up the list and hand it to him every time he sighs. Point out if you get divorced then he’ll have lots of space to study.

Just because you could work through the nose doesn't mean he can.

Having kids and pets doesn't mean that your house is destined to be noisy all the time. What is the noise exactly ? Barking dogs and excitable children? You can and should do something about it.

It's not fair expecting him to study through a racket, it's his home top.

That is just ridiculously unfair to the OP. She is quite rightly saying “If you have a problem, DH, solve it yourself. Don’t make your problem other people’s problem.”

In addition she has the extra fact that she has both had the same problem in the past and solved it successfully without burdening those around her. It is embarrassing to her DH but in every field he is going to encounter competition from co workers and colleagues who can manage to get their work done despite noise and interruption. Or who can figure out how to go to the library. So he’d better figure out how to student like a grown up by following OP’s excellent example or he is going to fuck up in his career. Bet his colleagues won’t tip toe around him or let him sulk when he doesn’t get his way.

I’ve voted YABU mainly because you’re assuming that your DH has exactly the same mindset as you when it comes to studying. Whilst I’m more in your camp, I know my DD needed complete peace and quiet when she was studying otherwise she would become very stressed and be unable to manage.
I would suggest that you tell your DH that you will be out of the house for X hours with DC in order for him to focus on his studying, but that out of these times the house will run as normal. That way, everyone is accommodated.

Isn't that what most people have done in their teens and the like , when they have younger siblings and needed peace and quiet to study . Why does he not go to the library?! I mean I know the smaller ones will be closed today but every city has a main library of some sort that will be open today . He sounds very much like a baby .

I suspect he wants to have the excuse of the noise if he does get as good a result as you.

People have vastly different sensory thresholds. I am relatively sensitive to noise but my ex was on a whole different level. He couldn't even have the window open in summer, he could hear everything - neighbours, birds, cars (we were nowhere near the main road), cats, kettle boiling on the other side of the house. It is what it is. To be fair, he did wear ear defenders when studying. So you can't use an argument "I could, why can't you".
However, he is being entirely unreasonable in not coming up with solutions to limit the noise exposure. I would have thought locking himself in a bedroom with earplugs in was the obvious choice.

Why should OP and DC leave the house when it would be far easier for him to head to the library?

YABBU
he has been suggested alternatives but he a preference so he’s making a choice, you have a martyr complex about your ability to do it in chaos and expect him to be the same.

you need a compromise like
grown ups.

Just saw on another thread that your kids are teens. They're old enough to keep the noise down.

Because he is a Man so his needs are far more important and must be respected.

Sure everyone has different sensory thresholds or whatever, but he wants to force everyone else around him to fit around his preferences (including when he wants to study so he can watch sport later).

I find it hard to be sympathetic. I did a degree, a masters and a PhD with children. I worked on essays and dissertations in bloody soft play. I wrote a PhD thesis sometimes typing one handed while holding a baby. None of that met my sensory needs or preferences. But I just had to get on with it given the circumstances. That’s not martyrdom; it’s just life and it enabled me to get it done. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This man has a wife willing to look after the kids while he studies. He can go and find a nice quiet space. He doesn’t want to. He wants to make everyone else work around his preferences.

Adding to the chorus of yanbu! Headphones or the library- those are the obvious easy solutions that he should've come up with himself. He may be working at home but he isn't the bloody ceo of the household and doesn't get to boss everyone else around.

You, like many before you op, have proven that this can be done without negatively impacting the rest of the family. Why on earth does he feel he shouldn't have to cope , manage his own workload and life balance and get the fuck on with it! just as you did.

How old are the kids?

He's being a selfish dickhead. Working in the communal dining room?? Why are his needs more important than those of the rest of the family??

He goes to work in the library, your bedroom or another room that he can shut. NOT a child's room.

What an entitled idiot.

I did my degree part time and like you fitted it into my life. Working full time, raising my DS. I did bits in the lunch break, after my DS was in bed, the odd day in the library. You have to juggle.

As someone up thread said, where was he when you were studying? Why does he think his needs trump yours and your DC?

He wants his life to be that of a single man without kids and for you to facilitate the illusion.

It's fair enough for him to expect some peace and quiet to study but the OP has given him options for precisely that without impacting the rest of the family. If there's space for a home office then yes, totally reasonable for that to be a quiet space for him to work. Not reasonable for him to take one of the children's rooms from them or commandeer communal spaces all weekend of they don't have that space/luxury!

When I was on the same situation I managed to not only get myself and study materials to the library so I could work in peace, I even managed to be extremely grateful to my DH for shouldering the lion's share of housework and childcare whilst I did.

I really don’t get all the handwringing over the poor man’s “sensory overload” or the cries that OP “needs to compromise “. Hey: create a quiet space in the madter befroom or go to the library IS helping him manage his supposed overload. Likewise: “I am working, earning, and running the household and dealing with everything so you can do your degree and watch sport “ IS the compromise.

Nope: he needs to get his arse to a cafe or get some decent headphones.

Im studying just fine with kids running riot. I even study sometimes at soft play. If he’s expecting perfect conditions this isn’t the right time to try and do this.

Garden room or attic conversion

Tell him he needs to get himself some noise cancelling headphones. Many of us have to wfh at weekends, so we just have to suck it up. There were times when the dc were little that I seriously thought about working in my car during coursework, mock or exam session. Our house was tiny and even though dh was around, it was usually mum they wanted.

Dc are older now, and our house is bigger, but they all still manage to find the one place in working and talk at me.

Absolutely

Not sure about the library though, although it might depend on your local library. Ours has become a kid of hub for people, with lego for kids. I know it needs that to survive, but I do miss the quiet joy of choosing books.

He’s being petulant. He has several options and won’t take them. Ignore him.

What, do you mean quickly build these facilities?