Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

He should receive from you exactly the same consideration that you received from him when you were studying OP.

I'm doing HE in similar living arrangements - headphones is absolutely the way to go.

YANBU. He needs to find a solution himself, why is it your responsibility?

If he is saying no to earphones, going to the library and other reasonable suggestions then he needs to suck it up.

Either get a high end pair of noise cancelling headphones or study elsewhere.

You come across as saying “well I could do it so you are inferior if you can’t” which is probably contributing to the issues.

does he generally think that he’s the centre of the universe? He wants to study at the dining table which means everyone else must tiptoe about not to disturb them. And he wants to commandeer one of the kids’ rooms (making them share) so he can have an office.

Meanwhile, you were expected to just suck it up and are somehow responsible for creating the perfect conditions for him to study. 🙄

He knows where the library is. He can’t even complain you’re unsupportive because you’re clearly willing to look after the kids and such like while he goes to the library to study.

His solution is to take a bedroom
away from one of the children so he can have an office.

Which is astoundingly selfish.

As you can probably tell this has struck a nerve with me. I have far too many friends who are in OPs situation but with DHs (it is always the men) who insist on working from home when there is no dedicated office space or plausible separate home working space. They decide to take over the kitchen/ living room just because they don't like working in the back bedroom. Or my personal favourite, they decide their choice to WFH means one DC loses their bedroom for a home office, making the DC upset and everyone feel more crowded. They then insist the entire family is silent for hours on end or doesn't use whole parts of the house or insists that their DP decamps the entire family to Granny's/ soft play/ the park ECT during their working hours.

One gem is one of my friends whose home working DP, insisted she took the children out every day of the Xmas holidays so he could work from home. It rained every day, poor woman was at soft play for hours on end, begging for all day playdates with friends, decamped to grandmas, then Nanas. Poor children spent little time in their house so the DH could work. He then had the audacity to moan about the amount of money his DW spent at soft play. He is back in the office 5 days a week.

It makes me so cross, homes are for living in. They are not offices.

He’s being really unfair in my opinion. Im
doing same, and when working at weekend I sit in bedroom with earphones and am incredibly grateful to husband because he is looking after the kids on his own so I can!

You have offered a number of very reasonable solutions to his problem. He must have known that the house would be noisy from everyday family life before he started to study so it is unreasonable to expect the rest of the family to change their behaviour so that he can work in a communal room.

A classic case of a woman making her needs as small as possible vs a man making his as large as possible. I think you should have been more assertive when you were studying, OP. And I think he needs to grow up and compromise a bit.

Men can be such entitled brats.

I'd be laughing at him.

He's being so unreasonable. I'm also studying for a post grad as well as having a job that revolves around research and writing. I WFH a lot and have made a little study corner in our bedroom. I also save some tasks which don't need my full attention for when I'm working in the communal area eg when DS is eating tea. My choices about studying shouldn't dictate how everyone else has to behave!

Carry on as normal OP and tell him you gave him a list of options so he can like it or lump it.

He is so far beyond unreasonable he can no longer see it

I agree with telling him, 'I have made plenty of suggestions for a solution to your problem. Pick one, or come up with something for yourself. This will not involve anyone else moving out of their bedroom, or giving up time/space/quiet for you. We're living our lives and you'll have to deal with it. I did.'

Could he go to the Uni Library at weekends?

Exactly this. No way would I be pandering to his behaviour. Tell him straight. He’s got options, he’s being demanding and sulky.

Wow what a baby.

My ex used to moan about needing "space" and I relented and gave our 3rd bedroom (2nd largest) to him while our 2 kids had to share a box room!!! This room was so he could be a better father and fiancé to us, as he was "depressed". In reality he was a porn addicted, violent, coercive, gasligting, finacially abusive bully.

It didn't help. He was still selfish and entitled. He just used the room to check out of family life. In the end, I threw his console out of the bedroom window and left him.

These men think they are entitled to their "man cave". They aren't.

They don't get special privileges for being male. Don't give up the room op.

He can use ear plugs or go to the library.

I'm also doing a post-grad and I expect there to be noise when the kids, pets, DH are at home. I do have times when I need silence and other times when I don't. If I'm concentrating then that naturally filters home noises out. If I can't turn I put earplugs in, go somewhere quieter, not expect everyone else to tiptoe round me. It's a home first and a study place second.

He’s being a Pretty Huge Dickhead (see what I did there ).

Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Houses are for living in.

I think you are both BU tbh.

You (just a bit! 😁) op because you are not appreciating how much some people can be adversely affected by noise. We are not all the same.

And your dh because he is not prepared to make alternative arrangements, work in the office, or even go to a quiet pub during the day. There will be somewhere that’s quiet if he wakes up earlier or borrows a friend’s spare bedroom or —something— .

He is being v unreasonable to expect the entire family to work around him. However, you are also being a bit U to expect him to be able to cope in the house the same way you did.

But she’s not expecting him to concentrate in a noisy environment. He could work in other rooms, he could work later but he’s refusing all of that and wants to work in the dining room, NOW so that he can watch some sport shit later.

I did a masters with a houseful of kids and pets and just used to go to the library to study.

He sounds like a big baby

What a big fucking baby. Tell him to buy some noise cancelling headphones and dry his eyes.