Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

You're unreasonable for assuming that because you could work through noise / were willing to martyr yourself by studying in chaos that he should also suck it up. It is reasonable for someone who is working or studying (adult or child) to have somewhere calm and quiet to get on.

However, he is massively unreasonable for not taking many of the very sensible suggestions you've mentioned. He doesn't get to take over communal areas for long periods of time and dictate family life.

I don't think you're being a dick at all!! But maybe you should pretend harder to be sympathetic, just for practical reasons. Agree with him that it is hard - I mean it is hard isn't it! - and that's why you're happy to hold the fort while he takes himself off to the library. Suggest that he needs to have confidence in his amazing ability to do the work, and that means giving himself the best environment in which to to the work not trying to do it when everyone's at home. That means going to the library.

He is being a nob.

Asking for a quiet space / time is fine but he’s not willing to compromise and it’s all on his terms, so he’s being completely dramatic and unreasonable.

Some people tolerate noise better than others, I definitely don't. In many different situations, especially at night, I have resorted to earplugs .... situation resolved. In your person's situation, there are SO many excellent noise cancelling headphones, he really has no excuse. He can listen to music, lectures, podcasts or just have silence, up to him.

Ask him how exactly he thinks it was any different when you were studying at home and to wind his neck in

Call me a cynic, but it's all a bit 'performance studying' isn't it? Placing himself front and centre in the communal space, 'look at me studying sooo hard and how dare you make noise in your own home disturbing me, I need peace! but ooooh nooo I won't use earphones (why?!) or shut myself away in another room, nobody will see how very hard I'm working...'

He's a MAN and therefore doing MANLY IMPORTANT work. Yours was just a little hobby.

My exH started a double Masters a few years ago. Nothing was as important as this. I swear he used to wake me up to proof read his stuff and he was utterly baffled when I brought this up in divorce mediation.

I think he's being entitled. Yes, people handle noise differently (I also would need quiet and space) but he's expecting his need to be met by others' inconvenience. Very mannish tbh. He can see about a white noise machine, buy a shed, use a library, rent an office space etc, not make his own family tiptoe around him.

Stop pandering to him or walking on eggshells.

He has options he is refusing to take. I would carry on as normal and if he stomps and sulks I would just ignore him. Hopefully he will eventually get the message and try a different strategy.

@Sleepybanana Not your problem to solve for him.

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office”

And there you have it. This is what he really wants and his tactic is to get this by refusing all the other perfectly reasonable solutions. And when his studying is over..... well it's HIS room now isn't it?

Because it’s his house too!

He sounds like my son when he was still a teenager and studying for exams. Wanted me and his sibling out of the house and discarded all other solutions, including his bedroom, as being unsuitable. Needless to say, it was quite a fraught time! Your solutions are perfectly reasonable.

Her attitude has been sympathetic, up til now.
Now he has demanded the whole family stay quiet, impractical at best.
OP I would not ever tiptoe around my own house, houses are for living in. If this is not conducive to his studying, oh well.
You've come up with the same solutions I and many on this thread have come up with. This is now (and always was) his problem to solve without impacting on you all.

When I was studying I too needed dead silence. So I waited til the kids were in bed.
Dont walk on eggshells, you will all resent that in time.
If he cant figure out a way for a quiet time and place that he needs, maybe now is not the right time to be doing this.

Is your post-grad a PhD? Because he quite clearly doesn't have the motivation to do it so is gearing up to blame his failure and hurt ego because you have a phd and he won't on you and the DC. Call him on it and say if he wants to jack it in then fine but don't blame you or the environment, he needs to take responsibility for his lack of progress.

This

I don't understand the logic. They must leave the house because it's his house too even though it is also their house and it would be far easier for DH to go to the library?

YNBU - Have you pointed out to him that when you were under very similar circumstances you had to put up with the kids being in their own home at the weekend without being given the alternatives - library, noise cancelling headphones, moving to a different room in the house where he could close the door, doing it later (the rugby is on today so he probably wants to get it done before that) or any other suggestion.
If replying "No" to all of the above is acceptable for him to say to you, it's also acceptable to tell him "No, we're not going to be tiptoeing around you. This is our home too and this is the weekend. You'll have to find something that works for you but that doesn't affect the family here".

He's being completely unreasonable.

Throwing tantrums and sulking are both deeply unattractive behaviours, as is being completely unreasonable.

He could easily solve this problem himself by choosing any of the reasonable suggestions you've made, but he wants the whole household to bow down before his specialness and appreciate how important he is.

This is an ego problem.

Why can't he go to the library?

Why do women have to come up with solutions to men's problems? Surely he knows it's either ear plugs, go upstairs, suck it up or delay studying for 20 years? Just carry on with family living he honestly can't expect to be tiptoed around.

You'd be amazed how detached from normal daily life some men are.

I suspect he can't be arsed .

He can't go to the library because nobody there would put up with the willy waving.