Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

Sounds like he isn’t motivated to do it and is putting obstacles in the way.

Just ignore him when he moans and carry on.

Why is it up to you to help him? Surely he can work this out himself?

I would say "it's our family home,feel free to study elsewhere. And I will continue to support you by looking after our children while you study"

Just say “It’s the weekend, we’re living life.” There are other options available to him. Ignore huffing.

Nope. There's many perfectly good suggestions of fixes that you've offered.

At this point I'd just assume he was enjoying being a martyr and leave him to it.

Are they even open all day Saturday/Sunday ?

when i was a small child my father expected silence in the house all weekend because he would be in bed with a migraine. it was an awful way to live. tiptoeing around all the time. my mother had to make us go to any / all local national trust places and spent hours out of the house just to keep him happy.

my childhood memories of trips don't have him in them. I just remember him kicking up a fuss if we ever so much as breathed plus my mum trying to make everyone cope.

i have more patience with my father as he couldn't pick the time, or the location.

He is being unreasonable as you are offering several compromises - working in the bedroom, working when kids are out, offering that he goes to the library. The dining table is a central area in the house that is going to be noisy at the weekends. He needs to compromise amd work with you. As you said, you made compromises last year.

He’s probably failing at it and creating a reason external to him now.

“Well I didn’t do well because of the constant racket at home” I can see how this will play out!

This - I wonder if he’s trying to find an excuse not to do it?

He just needs a pop up desk in the bedroom and ear plugs or ideally noise cancelling headphones. I wouldn’t give any quarter beyond that

Yep

I work all the time, writing and doing research, at home around normal family noise, and I did my PhD with two tinies around! I don't think it's realistic to have quiet in a family house on weekends, but giving him a room and a pair of headphones is the easy solution here. He's being completely unreasonable. I work from my bed if there's nowhere else available. Shut the door in the quietest room and order some noise cancelling headphones on Amazon, the family home is for living in.

When I’m on deadline dh takes dc out, but I work in the study, I’m not sure how I’d cope in the dining room with everyone coming to the kitchen so I do have some sympathy. Can you schedule time out around deadlines and be clear about plans?

I’ll add that I’m 18 months in, working full time and have 3 dc and I really couldn’t do it without dh’s amazing support.

He can go to the library.

If he wants silence he can go to the public library. That's what it's for.

He is wrong. His whole house is on eggshells because he refuses to help the situation and expects the OP, her children and their pet/s to do somthing about it instead

Tell him to stop behaving like a baby . Ffs I worked studied and had kids on my own !

Had the same thought.

Student houses are not renowned for their quiet & peaceful ambience, and yet students have managed to study and write their dissertations/PhDs for years. He needs to go to the library for a few hours every week. What a moaning wuss.

This isn't your problem to solve, OP, and you need to resist making it so. I would just say "Yes, family houses tend to be quite noisy, why don't you find a quieter place than the centre of one to study" and leave it at that.

If he has designs on one of the kids' rooms, I'd leave him to broach that with the affected child and not get involved. Depending on the age, they'll tell him where to go (the library!).

He's a drama queen isn't he?

I absolutely agree with @Caffeineislife above. It is your family home not a study space. He either ships out to the library, studies when the kids are in bed or sets up an office in a suitable alternative room. Just make sure you don't end up with the kids on your own all weekend while he does his 'very important' manly PHD study.

I have zero time for selfish men. I couldn't stop myself telling him that if he can't hack studying around a family, then he should defer his PHD.

"He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells."

Tantrums and sulks from an adult? I'd be ripping in to him for that alone. Having the whole household walking on eggshells also qualifies him for a stern word. (If he's going to act like a child, I will react to that by acting like a parent - and the parent is 'in charge' of the child!)

You've given him options. It is unfair and childish of him to insist that everything revolve around his wants. (Note, I said 'wants' - not 'needs'.) He will have to make a reasonable adjustment, be it headphones, working elsewhere or whatever. You and the children are entitled to live in your home without the eggshells.

I'd be telling him to grow the fuck up (out of children's earshot, of course) and that the eggshells he had us walking on have been put in the Food Waste bin and normal life for the normal people will be resuming, thank you very much. Life for the sulky person must be taken to the Library, or wherever.

If he’s doing postgrad study, is he limited to public libraries? Most unis have libraries with unstaffed access by card. DD was often in the library at midnight.
He can’t make multiple people suffer for his personal wants, especially not taking a bedroom because they’ll never get it back.
If he can’t work out a solution, he needs to postpone his studies.