Noisy house but DP demanding “space and silence” to study

[Sleepybanana]

Long story short I did a postgrad which finished last year and now he is doing one too, although we are in very different subjects.

when I did mine I just sucked it up and got on with it around the noise and chaos of a busy household. Did it at work on my breaks and little bits here and there.
He on the other hand throws tantrums and sulks if it’s too noisy on the weekend but I’m thinking of course it bloody is!! Weekend, house, kids, pets mean that it’s noisy.

He works in the dining room which is off the kitchen and therefore naturally quite a noisy room. But after much sighing and stomping and heavy silence we are now all walking on eggshells.

suggestions I have made

• earplugs / earphones (no)
• moving to another less communal room where he can shut the door and we all stay away (no)
• going to the library where peace is guaranteed (no)
• doing it later when me and the kids are out (no he wants to do it NOW because some sport nonsense is on later that he wants to watch )
• doing some of the work during his lunch hour at his work office (doesn’t want to) or staying later at work to do it in peace (also doesn’t want to).

I think he’s hinting to give up one of the kids rooms for an “office” but we don’t have the space. He could also work in our room but doesn’t.

i think I’m possibly unsympathetic because it’s just frustrating for me that I sucked it up and got on with it and he’s behaving like it’s some kind of high stress Nobel prize winning PHD he’s working on 🙄 but there’s a high chance I’m just being a dick. AIBU? Or any suggestions on how to make this work?

Why can't he just record the sport and watch it later?

If he wants somewhere quiet to study the dining room isn’t it. He can’t expect you and the kids to leave the house every weekend or tiptoe around in silence. That being said, if there’s a particular day the kids are being overly loud and he can hear them even from an upstairs room, it couldn’t hurt to take them out for a few hours. But that should be the exception. You’ve given him many options, which would allow him to study in peace, and he’s refused. Taking a kids bedroom is not an option and is selfish. Next time he complains firmly ask him what his solution is. If he says, as you suspect, it’s taking a child’s bedroom as an office calmly tell him that isn’t an option and to get it out his head. Don’t back down. He may be more amenable to the other solutions then - he’s possibly been refusing to entertain them as he single mindedly thinks he knows what he wants. Once that option is taken away he might reconsider.

That is what I’d like to know. My DH is exactly the same with sports and scoffs and gets very upset if I even suggest watching it later. Something to do with it being live, I don’t know. I did try and compare it to me watching Emmerdale on ITVX after DS has gone to bed as it overlaps his bedtime, but apparently that is absolutely not the same 😂. I think OP’s partner needs to decide what’s more important to him, his PHD or his sports.

On the fence here

People learn/ study in different ways. So I can understand where he's coming from.

Like the library I found more distracting because of people watching. What if I need the loo

At work, you'll get a work crisis someone wants to chat about their weekend. It's an hour you'll get in the swing and it's time up

However he does need to compromise somehow. Can he have a set up on your bedroom for example so it's more out of the way and less distracted but still more in the house

yes? Did you not read the OP? He has been given many options and none are good enough so he expects people to be quiet in their living space at the weekend. That’s not going to happen. He needs to go somewhere that isn’t the kitchen. Simple as that.

He has other options, don't walk on eggshells. He could go up to your bedroom? Downstairs at a weekend with children is of course going to be noisy. He could go to a cafe, library, his parents? I mean it's not a study hall, it's a family home first.

Then he needs to be the one to create the quiet
It's not her job

Am a post grad student (in fact did BSc/OpenUni with do kids under 5; a FT MA at a local uni with one autie kiddo doing GCSEs during lockdown and now a PhD with 2 kids doing Alevels/GCSEs, both autie, two dogs under 2 - yes, am insane). DH had continual strops about wft, so eventually told him to sod off back to the office then and stop whining about the commute. I think this is one area where there may be a male/female divide.

If you DP is not prepared to adapt (noise excluding headphones, studying in a bedroom with doors closed etc), then he doesn’t deserve a post grad qualification. They are as much about the journey to get there as they are the acquisition of knowledge that is part of the syllabus, and this has been blindingly evidenced in my return to work interviews. He needs to grow up.

If he's not choosing one of the many very reasonable alternatives that you have presented then he is choosing the status quo, which is working in a communal area of a family home with all attendant noise that inevitably involves.

He is not the king of the castle - your family home is for the use of everyone in the family. While reasonable adjustments should be made by family members for others, that means BY HIM as well as FOR HIM and he is clearly not willing to take any of the extremely simple steps outlined for his own benefit and that of others, so should not expect any in return.

Why can’t he have a desk in your bedroom which won’t be used until you need it later?

OP said in her post that he has the option of working in their bedroom and refuses.

He is THE PRICK, like you, I too am working on doing a Degree from home( for me,as I CANT work).
He works and I do an hour in am and pm. I get no end of crap and sulkiness for watching Lectures on Replay. It can't stop Housework,jobs at home or fetching carrying for HIS NEEDS.
You have done and suggested everything other than this, do you have space/ money for a home office outside( mine is called a SHED.)
Our kids are really proud off the fact I'm working so hard on my O.U. course. I will post about Him in a day or two.
If, you have said Space/money, show him ALL the FLASH SMART HOME OFFICES, preen him about valuable time and effort he's putting in, and this is investing in Him. After all, once he's gained his award, he will of course earn much more money and it won't be a drain on him at all repaying it. THEN, say but despite MY Award, and my aims, women just can't make the same money as him/ they can.
Show him what she'd he can afford NOW.
Most men Would at least try unfortunately YOU NOR I HAVE ONE OF THOSE MEN.
In the mean time totally tell him to shut up, and put up exactly the same as you did. Kids,house and life aren't all going to stop because HES trying to "work".
If the kids are old enough, explain to them where he can hear, how hard dad's trying to gain his Award and ask THEM, for suggestions on " how we can all help Dad" maybe if he hears the ideas he'll realise how hard HES making it for everyone in the home.
On a sympathetic note, Could he be struggling, is that why doing anything at work is a no go.

If he's doing a Post-grad why isn't he studying at his University, where there's plenty of space and it's an academic environment?

When I had to study...I...shock horror....went to a library....

He's a dick

I'd probably go with this option. Then hand him directions to the library, or his parents house.

It does when he is expecting everything to revolve around him. He needs to work out how he manages this around his family.

👍

I doubt the OP chose to have to study amid noise and around her children.

The whole ‘well, what works for you doesn’t for him. He’s not wrong for it’ thing is infuriating. Being a parent means making compromises and not getting the optimum conditions for stuff.

He needs to stop thinking about his preference and make the best of the available options, like everyone else. He can go to the bedroom, and use noise cancelling headphones. He can go to the library and book a space that meets his silence and aloneness requirements. He can wait til later when everyone else is going out and study then.

No one chooses to be writing their masters dissertation in soft play, for example. That’s not ‘what works’ for anyone. But it may be the most pragmatic option for the many parents who are trying to study and have to entertain young children while writing a dissertation.

This OP’s husband isn’t even having to scrape the pragmatic option bowl by studying in soft play. Several of the options outlined in the OP are pretty good ones. But he wants everyone else to tip toe around him or to displace themselves so that he’s not inconvenienced at all.

It's just occurred to me that maybe your husband is struggling with his postgrad and is planning to use the 'noise and distraction' as an excuse why he can't finish it.

I have not RTFT

Is it possible he’s doing this to punish you because he had to parent while you did your post grad

I have had years of getting marking done in less than ideal circumstances. Best options:

Library
Cafe (out of town supermarkets are good)
Long distance train
But lately I prefer my local.branch of David Lloyd. A LOT of people work there.

Why does he insist on studying in the dining room?

Surely he would want to take himself off to a room where he wouldn't be seen and out of the way of traffic?

Some people want to make sure everyone else knows they're studying, weight lifting, giving up smoking etc.

It's his problem. You and your family can't be expected to act like you're in a library the whole weekend.

Thanks all. I threw a mini tantrum of my own yesterday and took the kids to the local big shopping center for the afternoon. I’m not sure if he saw this thread or just came to the conclusion himself but I got a long apologetic text and came home to a clean house, washing away and dinner made.

to answer question - oldest is a teen younger two primary (lower) so being completely quiet isn’t really realistic.

is he doing it coz he’s struggling? Maybe, but more likely because he’s bored.

thank you all for your help. Going to look into the shed in the garden thing.

He needs to be looking into any alternatives such as a shed in the garden, not you.

It is his responsibility to find a solution, not yours.