My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

Nephew can legally pick who to live with and can say 0% contact with mum. If mum insists on no rugby then it sounds like she will lose her son to your brother. Mum would be able to withdraw nephew from school because he’d pick dad to be his parent 100% of the time and he doesn’t need mum to contribute to the fees.

The only mistake that mum made was not to attend matches and keep on top of school emails. Did you or your dad know about mum’s stance? In which case she’s unreasonable to be angry at you and your dad.

I think that your brother should have been open with his ex and told her that digging her heels in would lead to her son having NC so to reconsider. (kids legally get that right at age 11/12 ish) He’s really handed her a giant fuck you rather than continue being cordial and working together. Nephew shouldn’t have been made to be duplicitous too.

You're right about my nephew being duplicitous as well. That bit sits very badly with me. My brother argues that is never came up which is absolutely utter bollocks. SIL would never never have agreed to rugby and they just circumvented her.

In fairness to her she's very engaged with his academic and social life. She just handed all sports over to my brother.

What a tangled web.
There are points in our lives when we need to realise our children can make choices for themselves & if we want a relationship we need to accept that.
I would stay out of this OP SIL has a right to be upset but not micromanage her sons passions

Despite what anyone may personally feel, rugby is considered safe to be taught in school- it is risk assessed.

No court or school is going to support the mother. Especially considering she had been emailed about it. Her lack of organisation is on her.

It is a big achievement to be made captain of any sport, and still a school like that only the non sport playing children would do non contact rugby.

I think she will lose him.

I mean what do you do in circumstances like this? It's not like compromise is possible. It's really one way or the other and nothing in between

Does she really hate it because it's their 'thing'?

At 14 you allow the kid to make the decision. I'm not agreeing with what your brother has done btw.

I have no idea how old Year 9 is - assuming 13 or 14, something like that? By that age, kids have their own choices over things and if the lad wants to continue with a sport that he is clearly talented at, he should have that choice. I also understand why the mum is cross because she feels deceived and conspired against, but it's something which is obviously important to the son.

I am with sil about rugby-the increasing body of evidence is damning in terms of repeated blows to the head. I don’t let my son play for the same reason.
But your nephew is at the age where he decided what to do. Hugely damaging for all concerned. I think school will continue to let nephew play-it’s such a massive part of the private school life. I would try to be there for sil and would be very angry with your brother.

The kid wants to play rugby he’s getting to an age he can make his own decisions , his dad has supported that . It’s just tough for mum .

I do understand mum’s point, she feels like she’s had something that was incredibly important to her disregarded and then hidden from her.

But, her son is now of an age where he can make decisions for himself. Which is anything from which sport he plays to which parent he lives with. She needs to learn some huge compromises if she doesn’t want to be cut out of her son’s teen years and possibly damaging the relationship for life. And again, it seems unfair as the rugby was her ‘hill to die on’, but it won’t end well if she digs her heels in. Her son is going to play rugby however she feels about it, so she needs to do what she needs to with that information.

SIL is being totally unreasonable - it’s her fault she’s been lied too, for putting such a controlling and unreasonable demand in, which she had no right to do.
by year 7 a child is more than capable of deciding what sports they want to play, she sounds awful and controlling and will lose her son over this, and quite right tbh, if she refuses to listen to his wishes.

she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!

Well, if she doesn’t read emails, she doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on with the school.

He’s old enough to decide what sport he wants to play-she will risk pushing him away completely.

Although I'd also argue that agreeing to touch rugby wasn't really a compromise in the first place.

i should think she doesnt like it because it is dangerous.
but it is between her and her ds tbh,

Honestly no. She's a lovely person and a good mum (just a bit scatty!) she's not sporty and was happy for it to be their thing. About the time he was about to start year 7 there was a lot of press about American footballers suing because of brain injuries they received. She ended up down a rabbit hole and there are a lot of people who are saying that rugby will be next. She then just said a flat "no, no, never" and assumed it was happening.

The evidence is huge in terms of head injuries and rugby. Professional players are suing the professional body about it fgs. It’s not unreasonable on sil part. But she should have made sure to read the emails about it when she was so vehement about it. Surely everyone knows rugby is a massive part of that culture?

I'd be fucking furious if I was her but come on, you don't get to be unorganised when it comes to your children's education. You also don't send a sporty child to a rugby school and expect him not to want to play.

The risks of injury are too great for me but I don't think she has a leg to stand on now.

https://www.gla.ac.uk/news/headline_1012463_en.html

It's impossible to agree with him, especially with making my nephew complicit. He asked me what he could have done differently though as it's not a situation where compromise is possible and she would not agree to rugby.

Well she supports it or she loses her son, he’s old enough to choose. Your brother was very sneaky but it’s too late to back track now without consequences for mum.

Shhe wsnts to stop her ds doing something he lives which thousands of other kids do?
There are risks as with anything
Is not reasonable to stop him
Better she speaks with coaches and understands how they mitigate risks

Get on board.

My father was an international rugby player and has dementia. He’s late stage now and I can’t tell you how horrible it is. But I can tell you is def because his head was smashed to bits on the rugby pitch. So whilst my son has both my father’s physique and looks like it the sport would be a natural fit I can’t even watch or talk about rugby, let alone conceive my child doing it.

So it kind of depends on whether or not she has seen first hand the issue of injury and is trying to relay that to people who don’t understand the problems it can causes and are therefore being blase about it. This is where I would be. Or if maybe she’s catastrophising about as it’s something she’s seen can happen but doesn’t always happen at which point the fixation is a bit less understandable.

But for those of us that live it no, I totally get that strength of feeling.

Does dn know full facts about the dangers? Does db?

@Haggisfish3 dad was interviewed for that. It’s fucking horrible.