My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

I think of your brother really wants to make amends he needs to say how wrong his and nephews actions have been, in front of nephew and mum, and work out a plan moving forwards in terms of mitigating risks and making sure nephew is aware of why his mum is so concerned. And making sure nephew doesn’t behave in a similar way. God I feel for your sister in law. This is so much a part of that Privileged patriarchal shit male behaviour.

Nephew wants to play.
Father consents.

School will let the status quo remain because father has consented.

Mother will have to just accept this and so should over invested aunt

Do they even have non contact for as far up the school as Yr9? When you say it’s a private school, is it a private grammar or a school with limited Yr7 entry when the main cohort arrive in Yr9 fed from a prep school?

Whilst I understand re the possible, I think the nephew has made a decision based on his own skills and interests. The lying bit is a bit off but not uncommon with divorced couples

No child should have to play rugby if they don’t want to. But some children adore it - they love the physicality. Schools and clubs are all over the injury element of rugby these days - the slightest hint of concussion and it’s a few weeks off with strict return to play protocols, and there are limits on how much contact training you can do a week/day. The days of all day every day smashing into each other - which happened when union went professional and everyone was desperate to out do each other in how hard they were training - are gone. Honestly, if he’s reached his teens and really wants to play, and it’s a rugby playing school which means they will have trained staff aware of the risks, let him play.

DD plays rugby, there are risks but it is much safer than it was in the past. You can't really compare it to 20 or even 5 years ago. Although admittedly the girls matches are slower and less high impactful than the boys but Dd's never had more than a bent back finger.

Occasionally concussions happen it's true, a young man died in a local team from a direct chest to chest impact a few months ago but most other injuries are similar to other sports. Youth rugby (if taught properly) is a good team sport to be a part of. There are risks in every sport horse riding and cheer leading being the most dangerous.

The dad and brothers lying is going to be difficult for SIL to get over, but at your nephew's age he can just pack a bag and move in with dad

Your SIL is a bloody idiot.

HTH

(I'd also go as far to say you brother hasn't been sneaky either, just realistic)

So is the SIL. Why does her wish override her son's and his father's?

It’s not that her wish overrides the other. At all. It’s that a decision was made without all parties being able to discuss it. That’s the unreasonable part. And newphew and brother colluded in keeping it a secret.

Yep. He's taught his son to lie. And now his mum stands to lose the boy completely, because after more then two years he's completely absorbed and successful in the game.

Your brother has been an idiot. I can see the temptation when she didn't mention the email, but in hindsighthe absolutely should have checked that she'd seen it.

She was wrong to not listen to her son's needs early on, but she's not the liar or deceiver in this situation. The boy's grandad is also complicit and partly responsible for this situation. The men in his life have basically told your nephew that his mum doesn't matter and can actively be ignored and lied to.

It doesn't. But as above, she's not the one who's lied and deceived for over two years.

The men in his life have basically told your nephew that his mum doesn't matter and can actively be ignored and lied to.

But if she was being unreasonable in the first place and wouldn’t consider changing her views I can understand why they did.

There isn’t a compromise, one side or the other has to make a sacrifice. If I was your SIL I’d take the sacrifice rather than create this divide. Would she really see her son having to leave the school and sport he loves at age 14 because his mum didn’t like him playing rugby? she will break her relationship with her son at precisely the point in his own natural teen development that he is looking to create distance between himself and his parents.

What will she do when he’s 18 and wants to take it up again? He’s better off playing consistently so he’s up on the rules, the safety measures, his own practice etc.

Apparently he's amazing. He was always sporty but his state primary didn't offer rugby (or much serious sport at all) hence my sport obsessed brother doing so much with him. My brother was a reasonable footballer. Was in a junior academy for a big London club back in the day but ironically didn't make the later cut because he wasn't nimble enough- partly because of his size. DN takes after him, and rugby is a much better fit for a lad who's got amazing hand eye coordination but is 6ft+ at 14.

I know my SIL won't get it though. Her background and family is arty and musical and they just don't do or "get" sport.

Your DB has behaved badly in the way he's handled this ie quite sneakily, but your SIL is BU by wanting to stop her son from playing a sport he loves and appears to have quite a talent for.

They presumably did discuss it and she decided she got to decide whereas they decided they did. Or are you saying she was unilaterally entitled to decide but they aren't? A discussion must have been had when the lad had to settle for non contact for them to know she wouldn't sign the consent. So she overrid their views then and they overrid hers later. What's the difference?

In any event is her desire to "be right" or "get her own way" sufficient for her to want her son to not want anything to do with her?

Now she does get to have a decision - dows she want to push son away or not? That's entirely her decision.

The scrum collapsed when my 12yr old son was playing rugby. He sustained complete ligament destruction of the vertebrae at C5 C6. Meaning there was nothing to keep the vertebrae together. It was a miracle his spinal cord was not damaged. This would have caused paralysis from the neck down. He had a long complex surgery to pin the vertebrae back together. So he is physically recovered. 10 years later he still suffers with PTSD and lives with the aftershock of near death. I think he will never really leave this injury behind him. Your nephews mother has been lied to by her ex and including her son in the deception is going to impact on all the relationships for decades. I hope whatever happens nothing like what happened to my family happens here.

Absolutely fair.

She can't just change the school rules to suit herself. The school requires one parent to consent. They have that from the father. One parent does not outrank another. Even to have her say that two-parent permission is required is still her top trumping the father which isn't right or legal. As some one previously said, any school or court will ask what the child wants at that age

I think what mum needs to do is go to his next match, book a slot to talk to the rugby coach and find out some real, up to date and relevant information.

Worrying about what has happened in the past to players is completely irrelevant to how the game is played today. Just like youth footballers are no longer allowed to practise heading a ball at a certain age due to concussion and brain injuries that have come to light in recent years youth rugby has strict rules on what is allowed to be done in the name of keeping the sport safe.

Yikes. This hurts but to hear but you're not wrong. I have and will keep naming this point to him. He needs to find a way to fix it without DN stopping rugby though. Not sure how possible this is

Is there a medical reason why he might be more at risk from contact rugby? Like has he only got one kidney or something?

the point in having safety measures/risk assessments is for them to be redundant. You WANT them to be in the realm of 'will never happen' but you have to have them in place in case they DO happen.

Why? For letting his son play a sport he asked to play?

I am on the nephew and brother’s side here.

If the mother can’t be bothered to manage her emails and knowingly ignored everything related to sport that’s on her. She was informed by the school 2.5 years ago. It’s her fault she couldn’t be arsed to read the information.

Nephew is old enough to make decisions for himself and has played for 2.5 years with no issues. Mother will alienate her son and destroy their ongoing relationship by choosing this hill to die on. Especially as she is wanting to remove something that a) he loves, b) he is good at and c) that is a big part of his life.

A lot of sports come with risk of injury. Why is she only focusing on Rugby? If she was that worried about injury she’d be wanting to remove all sports surely? There is something else at play in her reasoning and I think it relates to what a pp alluded to. Sport is the nephew and brother’s ‘thing’ that they love and enjoy together and she doesn’t like it.