My brother has hidden my nephews rugby playing...

[touchrugby]

Asking for my brother - I think he’s in a mess and I need to tell him what to expect and how unreasonable he was. Interested to hear from other divorced parents and sports teachers/ school administrators. I’ve tried to give as much context as possible.

My brother got divorced 4 years ago. They have (had?) an amicable coparent relationship- there was no cheating or unkindness in either side. My brother just became obsessed with giving his family a good life and he worked a lot of hours. When he wasn’t working he was a very engaged parent- my nephew is hugely sporty and they were always off doing sports- swimming, tennis, football, cross country etc. Ex SIL was a SAHP but eventually got frustrated (with justification) at never seeing her husband so went back to work and divorced him. They share 50/50 custody with my brother as the higher earner paying all DNs expenses.

My brother really wanted nephew to go to this very nice private school. To facilitate this he pays all the fees. It’s a great academic school so ex SIL was pretty happy-except for the sport. They’re a big rugby school and she was adamant that DN not play rugby due to injury risks. There was a big argument about it, with my brother and DN really wanting rugby, and her adamant that he wouldn’t play.

The school offers non contact rugby and eventually they agreed DN would do that. DN is in year 9 now and it’s recently come out that he switched to full contact rugby in the 3rd week of year 7 and SIL didn’t know. It’s come out because he’s recently been made captain of the A team and a few mums congratulated her.

It seems he hated the non contact team. He’s very gifted with sport and apparently it was a team of lads who just wanted to run around for a few hours and throw a ball. The school put little effort into it and there were no matches. He asked to switch to “proper” rugby and the school said they needed a parent to approve it- and my brother did.

His argument is that his son wanted it, the school did email SIL as well, and it’s been 2.5 years.
Her argument is that he knew her stance, he also knows she’s a bit disorganised and rarely reads emails especially ones about sport which she know my brother manages (she has over 10,000 unread emails on her phone!) and that my brother conspired to hide it.

She has a very valid point about the conspiring. She has a new partner. He works Saturdays so my brother used to have DN every Friday night so they could see each other, and he’d then take him to Sat morning matches before dropping him at SILs Sat evening. Brother and DN have both, in 2.5 years, managed not to say anything to her about his rugby which is obviously duplicitous, especially considering how good he is. Brother just managed all the kit and the washing and the games and it apparently never came up in conversation.

Shes utterly furious and is going to the school Monday to tell them to remove him from rugby. Brother planning on going to the school to tell them to keep him in rugby. DN is apparently going to refuse to return to his mums house unless she agrees to the rugby and is determined to continue.

I’ve maintained a good friendship with SIL. In many ways I’m closer her than my brother as I see her more (he’s still a workaholic in his non parenting time so he’s hard to get hold of!) I heard about the odd match but nothing specific, I assumed it was non contact and frankly don’t know anything about rugby anyway. She’s very unhappy with our family as obviously our parents knew as well. My dad watches half the matches!

Does anyone know what the school might do? My brother and nephew are digging their heels in and saying he’ll live full time at my brothers and my brother will therefore get full parental responsibility. I think this is rubbish and not legal. I am worried that a nice coparenting relationship is ruined and that SIL might lose my nephew. He loves his mum but he’s obsessed with sport and apparently A team captain at a school like his is a BIG deal. He’s already playing some 2nd eleven matches as well which is also apparently important. I don’t know how to feel about what my brother did. He has absolutely supported what DN wanted. My nephew is so happy playing rugby and so good at it and still uninjured, and it’s the game played by 90% of the school. She knew sending him there that if he didn’t play rugby he’d be a bit isolated but she will not have it.

Frankly I think there’s fault on both sides, but on balance how much more unreasonable was my brother and what the hell might happen next?

I think your sister in law is going to have to back down. All sport can be dangerous and by taking away something he loves she’s risks losing him. She should have listened to sets her so wanted in the first place and then there would have been no reason to keep her in the dark.

Indeed. I am sorry you experienced this.
A friends child died because of complications after a rugby injury https://www.maddysmark.com/
However it’s genuinely a safer game than it was and also a fantastically inclusive sport. Every size and shape has a position. Matches are friendly and there’s no violence at the big games.

I agree with everyone saying there’s a possibility she’ll lose him ifs she’s adamant. What if he’s selected to play for a club? This could be his future career?

tbh, i'm on the fence.

No DB/DN shouldn't have lied by omission. however, knowing the school emailed, and she never said anything, why would they assume she hadn't seen the emails?

That being said SIL shouldn't have ignored her emails, i read EVERY single email that comes to me from my kids schools, they're my kids, its basic parenting, so she can't claim to have had the wool pulled over her eyes when the school told her, but she just couldn't be arsed to pay attention to her emails.

She needs to accept her DS is now playing rugby and be annoyed at your brother, but leave DS and his sport alone, banning him now will irreparably damage her relationship with him.

This isn't a hill I'd be prepared to die on. Your SIL needs to read her emails. It's done now and they need to find the best way forward as a family. She is unreasonable to insist the rugby stops, her son is clearly very good at it if he's been made captain
Unfortunately the compromising is going to have to be all done by SIL if she wishes to keep a relationship with her son, whilst I understand her reasoning and concern about contact rugby I think she's been a bit foolish with how she's gone about all this.

I think it is too late for your SIL to do anything now without ruining her relationship with her son.

Rugby has changed a lot since the 1970s when the men with dementia were playing. There will still be accidents but you can be unlucky in any sport.

My BIL is a very protective father and is a PE teacher. No trampoline in their house, but both of their DC do rugby.

Dementia is a terrible thing but lots of things can increase the risks. Aluminium pans included. Both of my inlaws have/had dementia an neither played rugby.

SIL needs to kick herself up the arse for not keeping on top of the correspondence from school. She could have dealt with this 2 yrs ago so I think she has to accept she fucked up.

I'm autistic and struggle hugely with organisation but I know I have to prioritise school info. despite the majority of their messages being irrelevant to us. As a parent, it's what you have to do.

Regardless of her opinion on the matter, her son is growing up and now at 14yrs old, it's up to him what school run activities he wants to take part in.

If she tries to interfere and put a stop to the Rugby, she's going to lose her son because he'll likely choose his dad over her.

Is that a risk she's willing to take?

sports and injuries happen. you can't wrap a kid in cotton wool out of fear they'll get injured.

I played tennis and got a wrist injury that meant i had to give up.
I played netball and broke my ankle.

I've had friends do horseriding and break bones, football, and tear ligaments/concussion.

EVERY sport poses a risk. every single one.

i am so sorry,
these are the sorts of injuries i was reading about some time ago rather than the more recent head injuries.

I'm on the boy's side. His mother doesn't understand sport, doesn't do any sport herself and has no understanding of how it feels to find something you're really good at and you love.

I had a friend who hated PE when she was at school and had never, ever been interested in anything physical. She allowed her small son not to do anything physical if he didn't want to, carried him down the stairs, didn't teach him to swim. The boy never learned spatial awareness or balance and became massively obese in his teen years. He then struggled to learn to drive because of the lack of spatial awareness. She really didn't do him any favours by encouraging him to avoid physical activity.

People who don't do sport don't understand how fabulous it makes you feel.

I see this as two separate issues.

1. The boys passion and talent for a sport she has concerns about. He's of an age where he knows his own mind. I think your SIL needs to recognise her own rigid stance has been unreasonable. Agree with other suggestions that she should speak to the school to understand more about the safety measures and protocols in place and watch a few games. Ultimately if she tries to put a stop to it she will damage her relationship with her son.

1. The lies and deception. Your brother has no defence and both of them owe your SIL an apology. They need to earn back her trust, and acknowledge the hurt they have caused as well.

They need to stop being so aggressive and confrontational about it and saying that he will live with your brother. Then they need to apologise for the lying and knowing she knew nothing about it and for lying.

they also should acknowledge her frankly sensible and relevant concerns about it with the caveat that it is his choice he is aware of them and he will be sensible with any head injury that occurs

whay he could have done differently talked to her at the first point of it happening and now accept that he was wrong and unreasonable and try to fit it rather than going on the offensive

How is this even possible? Is his mother so uninterested in her son's life that she didn't once wonder what he was doing when he was at practices or matches? Coming home tired, wet, muddy. Washing dirty sports kit. If contact is 50:50 some of these would fall into the time the son spent with his mother!
Makes no sense.

Exactly. I got concussion twice from playing badminton!
Broke my wrist and coccyx, ruptured both calf muscles, tore my meniscus and countless ankle injuries from playing netball over the years.

In 20 years of ambulance work I can recall having attended one rugby injury (knee injury). They do happen but they are extremely rare, especially nowadays. I have attended too many to count of football, trampolining and horse riding injuries though.

it cant have been very nice for the dn, lying all the time, ok he did touch rugby but moved on from that but could not admit to it

@Marblessolveeverything

As a mother I would go to town and court for putting my child at risk. What on earth was your brother's idea if DS had been injured”

In which case, you’d look pretty foolish having to admit that you had never bothered reading a single communication from school about your son’s sporting activities.

From the OP I think the dad was washing the kit, but in any case SIL thought he was playing the no-contact version so knew he had matches. Just didn't know what type

Risky game that, or does she mean only 2 yeses for what the dad wants to do, and she can do whatever?

Well of course, but I'd bet she's still adamant she's a 'better parent'!

SIL is 100% correct re the rugby. It's a crazy thing to enter into voluntarily IMO. So hideously dangerous.

That said, now that your DB has very stupidly and deceitfully set DN up playing rugby, and that he is 14, he can easily live with your DB 100% of the time and have no contact with his mother. Completely legal and straightforward for a teenager to do this, and he can do it from today.

To stop a teen playing a sport they love will plunge them into resentment, anger and possibly even depression. If he's an A team captain in a school like that, he'll be really good at it. So stopping him is not really a good plan.

But your DB ought to be aware that he is the orchestrator of this situation. The situation is that SIL has strived to protect her DS from a sport which lots have doctors have tried to ban. And now that DN is obsessed with it, his relationship with his mother is going to be damaged. Your DB is a shit OP. Sorry. I'd despise him for this, forever, in your SIL's position.

Your SIL is going to have to accept the rugby. It was very wrong of your brother (and to a lesser extent your father) to deceive her and encourage your nephew to keep her in the dark, that's really appalling behaviour. I happen to agree with her position, but she's been presented with a fait accompli now. It's far too late to withdraw her son without causing terrible damage to the relationship and, anyway, he's soon going to be at an age where he can fully make his own decisions and I'm sure he'll just go back to it.

Your brother's focus needs to be on mitigating the damage to the relationship between your nephew and SIL. He needs to make it clear to your nephew (and your dad!) that lying to her was completely wrong and he's made a very bad misjudgment- he's sent the message that mum's wishes can just be completely ignored if all the blokes just keep schtum. He also needs to knock any idea of her losing custody on the head- yes, your nephew can choose, but he should be sending a strong message to nephew that mum is an equally important parent and he doesn't support the severing of their relationship.

I expect SIL will eventually come round given she's in an absolutely impossible position (and she should have checked her emails!) Your brother should be avoiding making this situation any more combative by talking about full custody!

They have equal 50/50 custody.
DB "happened" to gave him in the middle of the week when afternoon games was and after school practice and also Sat mornings.
DB managed all the kittens

Until year 9 it really only afternoon games and Sat matches so he was fine.

My SIL hasn't seen him undressed in a few years either. Which is fair enough.....

In simple term your brothers a yes and SIL a no nephew will have the casting vote

Just wanted to pick up the point a PP made about not letting their child go to RugbyTots due to the risks (deliberately not quoting as I don’t want to derail this thread with an arguement)

But RugbyTots is children running round a sports hall, playing games with foam balls.
Absolutely no more risk than anything else in a sports hall. DS loves it, and I’d highly recommend it to anyone.

I'm the Mum of 2 boys and I am also of the artistic incline. However having had 2 very sporty boys and being a lone parent, I have had to do some quick learning in order to foster their interests and support them appropriately. A good parent will do this for their children so I really don't think it is an excuse.

Kit not kittens!
Kittens would have been much less controversial!