For not wanting my cousin to sing at my wedding?

[grimreefer]

My partner and I are getting married abroad. We have spent the last four years saving for our wedding of our dreams.

My first cousin lives in abroad and is a musician in pubs. To be blunt while talented at guitar and songwriting - vocally they are awful. Before emigrating they never had any gigs because locally no bar would pay, but mummy and daddy have put them on a pedistool to the extent they think they’re the best thing going and will one day sell out Wembley. Can you see where this is going?

Long story short, I found out my cousin intends to bring their guitar and perform at the wedding. Her mum said it will be great for the family to have a sing song together. The problem is with my cousin it’s never a sing song together but their own private show. My partner and I have already organised our music for our wedding and we never invited my cousin to come and perform.

I messaged my cousin privately to confirm if this was true which it was, but they also asked if I wanted them to write a song for our wedding to perform. My partner and I really don’t enjoy their vocals and collectively agreed (with immediate family input) that we do not want them to perform at our wedding.

We advised my cousin that we have our musicians arranged and scheduled for our wedding and they should enjoy the time off, and that we are thankful for them for offering but we do not want them to bring their guitar to our wedding.

Uproar. Her mum has texted my mum stating I am being selfish and ridiculous, that her child doesn’t often see family and they don’t often get to see her perform so this would’ve been a great opportunity for everyone. Not only am I selfish but apparently I am jealous. My mum told her that as it is my wedding I am entitled to do what I want and that my aunty doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.

AIBU? I’m not joking but they’re awful. Even reviews on the pubs they sing at say the same.

Dying here. This thread is the gift that keeps on giving: best wedding one I've seen in a while!

Please, oh please, let it be the Anti-Nowhere League version ...

'You have delighted us long enough. Let the other young ladies have time to exhibit!'

It may actually be time to come right out and tell Auntie that Cousin can't sing. And probably tell Cousin as well, if they push it.

It will probably nuke the relationship, but if they're the type of people to push this then I would say that's no loss.

That was my thought exactly!

Don’t give in unless you want your wedding to be like an open mic pub gig.

You have already put the line in the sand, and your mum is reinforcing the boundaries excellently. If they approach you, you need to stay the same thing politely but firmly- thank you for the offer, entertainment is booked, and you understand if she has her family decide to decline your invitation (if so, can they let you know?). You're not paying that much for their family reunion- they are welcome to have events for their own family before/after the wedding day.

Omg this is your wedding!! It’s about both of you, not your tone deaf cousin! Do not feel guilty about this!! One bit!

Wow. How arrogant is that side of the family?! That’s quite hilarious. Don’t let them though. Find some particularly brilliant friends prepared to rugby tackle her if they see her approaching any stringed instrument.

At least they gave you some advance warning of their intentions. At my wedding, my extended family pushed the band aside (quite literally) and took over. They were excruciating and sang obscure 1960/70s songs that no one knew.

YANBU, just keep your boundaries. You are paying for the wedding, not your cousin or your aunt. They are being very rude and unreasonable.

Let her sing a song at the end when everyone's drunk and won't remember or care.

YANBU

I used to be a musical theatre professional and various friends and family have asked me, asked me mind, to sing at their weddings, parties, whatever.

This CF hasn’t been asked and is trying to hijack your bloody wedding to show off.

Don’t engage further and tell DM that she shouldn’t discuss with aunt or cousin. Cousin will be refused entry if she turns up with her guitar.

Hopefully they will all flounce and save you some money 😍

YANBU to say no to her but what decent wedding party doesn’t end up with drunken pub stylée singing at some point? 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I hear the word pedestal I literally instantly understand "pedestal".

There's no shame in an eggcorn btw

If you let her sing it will be what people remember about your wedding.

Don't do it. Stay strong.

Cheeky fucker. Please stick to your guns op

Hope you have a lovely wedding 💒

Hold the line, OP!

Sorry- I know this makes me sound awful but in the spirit of being totally honest, non-professionals crooning at a wedding makes me cringe. We both love music, live particularly, hence it was a big chunk of our budget but I would not have been happy about this. It’s your day, not her gig! You shouldn’t have to pander to her and her folks’ tantrums.

Absolutely.

I think it’s different if someone asks the band or DJ for the mic at about midnight (not that I’d be thrilled but I’d just roll my eyes - I think, if not too drunk and embarrassing anyway). By the sounds of it this cousin and her folks take themselves way too seriously and it’d be a prime time slot 😂 like a drinks reception or dinner.

I also cannot stand the person who loves the sound of their own voice feeling the need to give a speech when they weren’t meant to.

Give her a midnight slot,it’s a good way to clear the venue.

I would make it clear that it is a condition of their invitations (your aunt and uncle too) that there is absolutely NO singing or guitar playing - whether on a professional basis, or as any kind of “gift” or tribute. Otherwise, it won’t take much for cousin to convince herself (with a little help from her batshit mother) that while she absolutely understands that you want her to enjoy the day rather than being on duty, that doesn’t stop her singing the lovely wedding song she wrote for you, because that would be special. Then the next thing you know, she’s having a quiet word with the band leader about the lovely surprise she’s got planned…

If all else fails, you have a nuclear option. Speak to your aunt and say; “Listen, Aunty - I know you and Uncle Pedistool think cousin is great, and that’s sweet. She’s your daughter, I get it. But the thing is, she isn’t great. She isn’t even okay. She’s absolutely bloody terrible. Now either you can make sure she absolutely does not sing at my wedding and she can continue to live in blissful ignorance, or I can tell her the truth, with zero sugar coating. Which is it to be?”

You could say, "we have sought a different style of music, it's nothing personal. Please stop being offended"

I mistakenly voted reasonable but I think the opposite. Just have fun. Put your cousin on early and give them a very short timeframe, let everyone have a good cringe and a laugh and a wink, wink, nudge nudge with your friends and a huge round of applause (if they can stop laughting). Then get on with YOUR music and YOUR wedding. Hopefully everyone else will see the joke and you'll have a great time

This. ^^
Your Aunt has set her sights on a Captive Audience and sees this as her chance to show everyone how amazingly talented her DD is. The very fact that she used the phrase "opportunity to perform" underlines that she doesn't see it as your wedding but a chance for her DD and by association herself - to shine as if in a talent show.

We know some professional musicians and they have a strict no-weddings rule, and the refusal has offended people as they don't understand that It takes bands who play original songs specifically to their own genre of audience an enormous amount of time to rehearse new covers the couple will inevitably require. That's why people hire wedding bands, with the right equipment and the right repertoire for the huge age and interest range of wedding guests.

Don't fall for the "Oh just give her 10 minutes on the day, or before the day etc. " either since she and her DM are so convinced that her act is delightful, she will run over time. As previous posters have said, guests often need a break from the music to talk. Your cousin hasn't even asked what kind of music you want or how she could accommodate that and as for the special wedding composition...

It's laughable that having been told no in a kind and considerate way, your Aunt thinks the way to convince you and get you to cave is to tell your DM that you are selfish and jealous! How insulting.

It's great that your Mum has your back.