For not wanting my cousin to sing at my wedding?

[grimreefer]

My partner and I are getting married abroad. We have spent the last four years saving for our wedding of our dreams.

My first cousin lives in abroad and is a musician in pubs. To be blunt while talented at guitar and songwriting - vocally they are awful. Before emigrating they never had any gigs because locally no bar would pay, but mummy and daddy have put them on a pedistool to the extent they think they’re the best thing going and will one day sell out Wembley. Can you see where this is going?

Long story short, I found out my cousin intends to bring their guitar and perform at the wedding. Her mum said it will be great for the family to have a sing song together. The problem is with my cousin it’s never a sing song together but their own private show. My partner and I have already organised our music for our wedding and we never invited my cousin to come and perform.

I messaged my cousin privately to confirm if this was true which it was, but they also asked if I wanted them to write a song for our wedding to perform. My partner and I really don’t enjoy their vocals and collectively agreed (with immediate family input) that we do not want them to perform at our wedding.

We advised my cousin that we have our musicians arranged and scheduled for our wedding and they should enjoy the time off, and that we are thankful for them for offering but we do not want them to bring their guitar to our wedding.

Uproar. Her mum has texted my mum stating I am being selfish and ridiculous, that her child doesn’t often see family and they don’t often get to see her perform so this would’ve been a great opportunity for everyone. Not only am I selfish but apparently I am jealous. My mum told her that as it is my wedding I am entitled to do what I want and that my aunty doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.

AIBU? I’m not joking but they’re awful. Even reviews on the pubs they sing at say the same.

Stand your ground. The aunt's feelings are not your responsibility.

You've booked your musicians and paid a hefty deposit so it's a done deal.

what does her mother not understand by you stating it, it's your wedding.

no further discussion needed.

let the uproar continue until she runs out of steam, 🤷‍♀️

I rather like ‘pedistool’ — it’s innovative and immediately clear what it means, unlike pedestal.

Whatever you do, do not give her the name of the band that is playing. She will contact them and all of a sudden...

Obviously you've done nothing wrong. Cousin and auntie are being ridiculous.
Half the problem is her trying to turn it into an official engagement. I've been to loads of weddings were relatives start singing at the end of the night. When the band is packing up, there's always been an old uncle or Auntie singing. One great uncle always gets a drinks tray to whack against his knee as he sings and I've got an auntie who insists that she can play the spoons 😆 I realise writing this how working class it is! This has happened at even the poshest wedding venues too. Your cousin would have been better keeping quite and bringing the guitar out after midnight.

Pedistool - a small seat for talentless cousins to sit on

Why?
The OP doesn't want her to sing at her wedding and has chosen other musicians to play.
The cousin and aunt should do the kind thing and say "Oh, we understand, not a problem, maybe another time" instead of the aunt texting OP's Mum calling her selfish, jealous etc.

You say to anyone who asks "Oh, we had previously arranged our own musician for the church and for our reception too. No, we never asked X to sing at our wedding and we actually have been quite polite in asking them not to sing but to simply be there at our wedding is enough for us. If they keep pushing this, we may even have to consider rescinding our invite as they are becoming ruder and ruder pushing this. Such a pity as we haven't seen X in such a long time and we just wanted this time to see them and catch up, but maybe it's not to be".

I'd even consider telling your parent(s) and relatives that the decision around who is doing the music has been made and any further discussions on it will result in their invitation being rescinded too.

Please let the wedding coordinator in your destination know that X is not allowed to sing at the church and not allowed to sing at the reception either. Make sure as many people know that you just want X to be at your wedding and not partaking in the wedding itself

This, and the smelly cat post, exactly match my thoughts on first reading but I also added the long, long winded clergyman and Harry and Meghan's wedding for good measure! Sounds like OP's mother has her daughter and future SIL's best interests at heart.

This is your wedding, not amateur night at the local pub.

You pay, you say.

Tell them thankyou for the offer. As we've already planned, booked and paid for the wedding, there's no space for extra elements. So that's a no. But we do look forward to seeing you all at the wedding.

Uproar, tantrums, toys out of pram - so what. Rise above it. It doesn't matter. It's not about them. And it's not about her grabbing the spotlight - that's yours for the day.

Stay calm, polite, use the broken record technique.

As we've said, that's a no for extra entertainment. Looking forward to seeing you.

In the face of attempts to emotionally blackmail - as I say, the answer is no. See you there.

If they decide to sweep off in a strop - so what. They'll miss the party.

Performers this bad rarely understand 10 minutes, it will be her private Glastonbury.

I know lots of musicians, mostly very very good ones and not one decent musician would actually offer to sing at a family member or friend's wedding unless asked to. Its only the less talented ones that push themselves upon people to perform at their events, the good ones get asked!

Don't do that.

Also, if her own mother hasn't heard her sing and your wedding would have been the perfect opportunity, I'd be hard pushed not to reply "Didn't you know that Ryanair do cheap flights out to YZA location. Surprised that you haven't saved the money to go see your own daughter perform before now. You're not doing it on my dime on the cheap."

Glad however to see that your Mum has put your Aunt in her place though.

🤣

Have to say my personal favourite was "and a crusty old man said I'll do what I can, and the rest of the rats played maracas"

I’d be tempted to
let her sing a couple. Let word get round beforehand that your talentless cousin is going to perform. It’ll be hilarious. If she gets laughed at so much the better. I for one am dying to hear her!

There is that risk… she might need telling quite loudly that that’s enough dear!

So many people think that every and all events are about them. It’s bloody ridiculous how common this situation is (not necessarily the music thing, but the so and so won’t go to that venue, Aunty X won’t eat chocolate cake, uncle Y needs to bring 3 extra people to carry his coat tails, cousin Y doesn’t can’t sit facing east because her angel guide says it’s bad for her… on and on and on).

Her mum has texted my mum stating I am being selfish and ridiculous, that her child doesn’t often see family and they don’t often get to see her perform so this would’ve been a great opportunity for everyone.

If they want to see her perform, they can arrange a gig locally themselves. Or travel to see her if she is performing abroad.

If she doesn't refuse to attend due to the insult - and I'd say she will go, otherwise how can she tell people how kind she was writing you a song as wedding present- have a minder/spotter for her.

And if she does stand up after the speeches to deliver her gift of song, try to roll with it, your guests will be trying so hard not to laugh, it will be a real moment of levity and give everyone something to talk about

@grimreefer

My mum told her that as it is my wedding I am entitled to do what I want and that my aunty doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.

Your mum rocks OP. Good she's supporting you against an entitled relative wanting to deliver a cringe fest. Head off any suggestions she should fill in during your professional band's break or anything following. 🌹

If the wedding is abroad, then I'm guessing family will be together before and after the day. Could you ask you cousin to perform the next day? Or at drinks the day before? I'm grasping at straws here.

I have no advice for you OP but your thread reminded me of this epic snl skit

I am from a large Scottish family and when I was a child it was usual at weddings for there to be a disco or band and then at some point someone (usually my dad or one of his brothers) would say to the DJ 'That's enough for a while you can have a break, the real entertainment is here'. This would be followed by my dad and his brothers taking turns to sign terrible songs like 'I'm nobody's child' or 'the northern lights of old Aberdeen'.

Everyone ignored them and after 15 minutes the disco started again. No one stopped them as the arguments would have been unbearable.

I'd stand firm against your cousin doing the equivalent - it made an odd break in the evening and was annoying.

OP you have told them very nicely no, now it's time to just stand firm say no thank you and that you won't discuss it any more.
Make sure you tell the band on the day that absolutely nobody else is allowed to come up and sing with them, no matter what the person tries to say.

Ooh, well spotted. What a pair of narcissistic parasites.

YANBU. People who bring their guitar along to parties and events are always twats (unless specifically asked to.) But a wedding? Christ no. You will need someone in a bouncer role though to prevent her (or her mum) bringing it in, so make sure you have that sorted so you aren't on edge about it.