Would this put you off a man-never moved out

[Urghhhcba]

A friend of mine is interested in a 31 year old, but she's found out he's never lived away from home apart from going to uni halls.
Like never been in a serious relationship/lived with a woman or even just moved into a place on his own. Like he's saving but she's just really put off him now.

Nothing to do with you, is it?

Yes, it would put me off. It's not a judgement, per se, though I'm totally judging as well, it's just about compatibility. At 31, I had lived on my own for most of the previous 14 years (moved out when I was 17), had lived away from where I grew up for most of that, had lived in 3 other countries, and had several both long and short-term relationships. I wouldn't have anything in common with someone who had always lived with their parent(s) and who had no previous relationship experience.

So? I lived at home until a similar age and it allowed me to save to buy a house; I swore I was never going to rent and so I never have.

Met and lived with someone shortly after.

Reservations about how to make it work? Sure, "Really put off" though is just being immature.

20 years ago, it would. Today, I don't know many 30-somethigns who managed to live independently. We don't know his reasons for living at home. Maybe he likes party lifestyle or maybe he is saving hard to afford his first home. Two very different scenarios.
Maybe he hasn't been in a relationship because every woman he meets is equally suspicious about his set up.

I don't think it is particularly unusual these days especially if the parents live in a major town or city. Rent is so expensive and buying a house is a major challenge for most and for lots of parents the only leg up they can give their children is to allow them to stay at home to save what they would have spent on rent. I would take him as I found him, if seemed like a good man that wouldn't put me off.

My dh was 27 and still living at home, and had never lived away (didn’t go to uni).

However, he was independent and planning for the future.

How independent is the dp? Does he cook, clean, have independent hobbies etc, or does he rely on (and expect his mother) to do everything? Does he run everything by his parents, or does can he make his own decisions? Ie, is the parent/sibling relationship enmeshed?

Didn’t put me off mine. 13 years later very happy and settled in our own home. He is a functioning adult and has no issues pulling his weight. He also helped massively cos he had money saved for the deposit of our home!

I moved out at 19 so my financial situation was very different! His mum and dad are lovely and it was very easy for him to have lived at home as long as he did.

Also, does he have a life plan? Ie. Plans to save £x amount by a certain date to enable him to move out, or is he a passive saver? Is he letting life drift by, and blaming others for the lack of progress, or is he an active member?

Yes it would put me off. I live in the SE so people in their 30s living at home isn't unusual. However all these men say they live with parents 'to save' yet miraculously, have little savings...

This is personal. In my 20s, a colleague tried to set me up with someone like this and we all laughed as our 50 year old boss who was sitting right there immediately said, "Not a chance - Jon would never date someone who still lives at home" and he was 100% right.

But for other people, it's no big deal. And I suspect it also depends on why they live at home and, of course, how functional they are as grown adults!

If he's a mummy's boy who has been kept like a Labrador then would be very off putting. I can imagine him being into painting those little statues and going to battle re-enactments.

However, if he is a competent adult who has stayed at home piling his weight and saving money then that's great.

I suppose you make it a habit to ask every new man you meet how much they have in their bank accounts, then?

I think also, in my 20s, one of the reasons I didn't like it was how do you conduct a relationship in that scenario? So date 2, you've had a few drinks, things are getting heated and what? You go back to his childhood bedroom? Doesn't exactly make me feel sexy and adult. And then what, meet his mum the next morning over coffee? OR, from date 2, your place becomes the default place because its easier so you're almost immediately into that zone of being the host, and the one doing all the prep work etc etc etc.

No, sorry, not for me.

No, but instead of jumping down my throat, you could apply a little critical thinking.

If you're truly living at home 'to save a deposit for a house', logically you'd just put the money you'd be spending on rent and bills which you are 'saving'... into a savings account?

The reality is that most of them don't actually mind living at home. Most of them get their meals cooked, washing done, little housework to do, and have more disposable income not savings. Sure, they might save a bit, but the way they've framed it to me is 'omg I'm so desperate to move out, but ya know, I've got my big flash expensive car to pay for...'

Some I've met on OLD that are quite apologetic and insist it's 'only temporary' but I see little in their actions that means they're doing very much to move forward. And they also like to hang out at my own flat for days at a time, because I live alone and manage my own shit.

It's not so much the living with parents that would bother me, but the fact they'd never really lived alone. Never managed their own lives, their own bills... You can tell a lot about how functional a guy is when he's forced to fend for himself, or whether he's just looking to cocklodge with you.

OK, so I left home at 17 - went to Uni, lived overseas, then in a flatshare near where I worked. I was 'at home' for about 6 weeks, twice, in that time. I then was fortunate enough to buy with my then fiance, when I was 28. My sister went to Uni, met her now partner, and they moved in together, 4 hours from home, where they had gone to Uni, and got jobs.
But that was almost 20 years ago. It's very different for young people nowadays.

My brother stayed at home until he was 27. He went to a Uni near home, and got a professional training job straight out of Uni. He paid 'digs' to my parents, towards bills and food. He and his partner are now considerably better off than me - she also lived at home until her late 20s.

I think it's never been that unusual for quieter, maybe more studious, less confident, boys, to live at home longer. It doesn't make them weird or unusual. So much depends on the reasons/circumstances. Is this 31 year old a total Mummy's boy, is he studying/training for something, is he saving up for a deposit, is he between jobs/homes? All of these are reasonable reasons for him being at home. Yes, it makes it more awkward if you want to have sexytimes, but I would think he has an agreement with his parents about if he wants to bring ladies home!

This.

Plus I couldn’t imagine a relationship longer than five minutes with someone whose idea of adult life involved a decade living with their parents because they were ‘saving’. That’s not a life. That’s refraining from life, or postponing, or not bothering with it. Any way, it’s not of interest to me.

Lots more people now seem to be living at home for longer. If it's a nice comfortable spacious home, and the parents aren't really overbearing, then it makes sense to do this while saving for a place.
If it feels weird, like he sleeps in a single bed with spiderman sheets and his mum spoon feeds him spaghetti hoops, with photos of zoo mag models on the walls, then maybe that's a bit off.
Most people don't want to have to live in a flatshare with near strangers which is the only alternative for most people in their 20s, v early 30s.
It totally depends on what he's like. What are the reasons for living at home? I'd say at that age there's nothing that weird about it in isolation.

Nowadays many 30 odd year olds still live with parents due to housing costs. As long as he is a fully functioning adult in other areas e.g.. pulls his weight in the house, not a mummy's boy etc, it would not put me off.

No, this wouldn't put me off on its own. People have different circumstances and routes in life. I am 35 and living with my parents. Not quite the same situation as the OP as I have had my own home, but had to give it up when my health declined suddenly and I was diagnosed with a longterm illness. It is not ideal for any of us but I contribute to the house and we all do the best we can with the situation. I would be very upset if a potential partner wrote me off just because I am living at home without getting to know me.

My husband was 27 and in the same position when we met. It didn't bother me, I was 21 and had never moved out either. The area we're from has a high cost of living and people "living at home" until they find a serious partner to split the rent with isn't unusual.

Yes it would put me off.

There's absolutely no way I would consider dating someone in this position.

Initially I would be put off but I would let it slide if he had significant savings and a clear life plan.

I personally find it really unattractive when someone still lives with their parents. It’s like dating a man child who’s never grown up.

When I met my dh at 26 he was still living at home. He remained living at home until we got married at 30.
I had a room in a shared house for the first couple of years we were going out so we used to spend a lot of our weekends there.
While living at home he saved enough money to build our house without us having to have a mortgage. My life would be very different if he had moved out at 18 and wasted years on rent.
To answer your question - it depends on the man!