Would this put you off a man-never moved out

[Urghhhcba]

A friend of mine is interested in a 31 year old, but she's found out he's never lived away from home apart from going to uni halls.
Like never been in a serious relationship/lived with a woman or even just moved into a place on his own. Like he's saving but she's just really put off him now.

It all depends, doesn’t it? Sure in an ideal world they would have their own place. Sadly we don’t live in an ideal world.

I met my partner last year. He was early 30s and living at ‘home’ still. Except he had bought the house (ex council) and has his own business. He acts as carer for his mum as she has mobility issues. But he is grown up enough to be able to the household chores.

We obviously spend our time together at my place, but I don’t mind that. I’d rather be at mine anyway.

And if someone's finances are so poor they can't afford to support themselves they should be focusing on that before dating seriously.

True, some people’s priorities seem a bit mixed up. i was once talking to a 41 year old man who lived between his brothers family house and his mums house where he still had a bedroom. He had also been made redundant last year and was doing odd jobs for his brothers business. It wasn’t clear how long he had been living with family but he didn’t seem to have any plans to move out.

I have to say that did put me off as in his situation he clearly was living with his family because he couldn’t afford not too. Massive difference between 31 and 41 though. So I think age matters as well as their overall circumstances.

He had recently just got himself 3 dogs and I couldn’t help thinking that money could have been spent on a deposit to rent his own place. And he didn’t seem to be focused in finding proper employment, just was all about the gym and walking his dogs.

It’s up to him how he spends his time & money but I didn’t feel he was in a good position to date in terms of his employment and living situation. He wanted to move off the app and talk on WhatsApp which I said no to , and he asked if he said something wrong . It was a bit awkward but I was just put off by the whole thing so had to unmatch.

As others have said, depends on the circumstances - how independent etc.

Would it be more palatable if he had his own property brought with a deposit from the bank of mum and dad? That seems to be more acceptable in society.

Most people don't want to have to live in a flatshare with near strangers

I've seen this comment more often lately, in relation to 20-30 year olds. Why not? What's changed? Flat sharing used to be part of life, a social resource and a learning experience.

Weird isn’t it? Adult children staying at home longer doesn’t all come down to cost of living, it’s also a rise in their standards compared to previous generations. They want to be able to buy right away, something previous generations didn’t really do, we accepted we’d have to work our way up the chain and valued our independence more I think.

ODFOD. DS1 has lived independently since 21 and still loves wargaming and LARP. Bloody sight more interesting and creative than football or golf.

Dh only moved out at 29 (rented when doing his masters) and that was cos we lived together with his mum for 3 years after marriage and managed to save 60k. Without me, I guess he could have taken until his early 30s to buy a flat in London.

If he is saving, how much savings has he managed to accrue and what is his job etc. My SIL's boyfriend claims he moved out at 18 but he has never had a job in his life despite being 34. He has just been a student all this time and using student loans and probably parental money to get ahead. I am sorry but I think my dh is a better catch (also 34 this year and in middle management in a bank and bought a property at 29 in London). Even without me, I think based on his salary today he could have bought alone provided he worked in banking. Might be harder if he went into the civil service.

We lived at home and saved for 3 years but still bought our flat in our late 20s (27 and 29). Was because dh had a gap year and was sick while at university (so had the chance to repeat the masters year). Plus started school late due to childhood epilepsy. So ultimately he was 26 when he started working properly in London other than the earlier internships... We married when he was 24 and I was 22

I felt like we were getting too old and if we didn't buy quickly we may be ultimately priced out esp if I got pregnant and had to pay childcare instead of deposit.

We do have some fertility problems and didn't conceive but I am grateful in a way we had 5 good years of overpaying the mortgage instead of rent. It was only possible to buy as quickly as we did by living at home. Also I am 31 now so still have a few years ahead of me to conceive and have paid back a good chunk of the mortgage during our Dinky years. I think if you are lucky enough to find your partner in your 20s it's better to live at home and save for a good 2-3 years and that will help you in future regardless of your plans.

We lived at home for 3 years because when we moved out we wanted it to be forever and into our own place with a fixed term mortgage to buy us 5 years of time.. Not needing to boomerang back cos landlord evicted us and we couldn't find a new place!

Would rather take snarky remarks circa 2016 to 2019 when we were in our 20s rather than have to move back in our 30s. MY BIL and SIL moved out straight after university but is now moving back to live with her MIL, together with a baby! They are 31 and 35 respectively.

I don't think my pride could take that! At least when I was in my 20s I was a new immigrant and my dh was still trying to find his feet in his new job so that was at least easier to explain. To be fair once we were settled in jobs, we started trying to buy our flat straight away but it did take a year. How am I supposed to explain living at home in my 30s with a baby?

My husband was at home until 30. He got on brilliantly with his mum and dad. His sisters had married and moved out very young so he did up their room as his own space too. There was still plenty of privacy. He had done some travelling but never wanted to move in with anyone.

I on the other hand left for uni at 18 and stayed away as I couldn’t get on with my mother. I’d lived in flats and bedsits and moved south for a while. His family were so lovely they became mine. We’ve been married 30 plus years. Yes some can’t wait to move out but I think more than ever, with the cost of living, if people get on with their parents then they will do this more and more.

What about women in their late twenties living at home? No different!

What would put me off would be many other things, fathering several children and not looking after them, addictions, prison record, inability to string a sentence together without swearing, constantly gaming or on phone like a child, a string of unhappy relationships etc

Flat shares aren't cheap any more. It's not like it used to be where you'd get a decent room for a few hundred quid a month.

They now cost just as much (or more) than it used to cost to rent your own place.

There's very little value in it now.

Really. Where i live a room rents for £1k, but a studio rents for £1200 to £1300 so there is still a difference.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to live in a house share now? Its not 1995 any more!

The idea that in order to have a relationship they first have to pay 50% of their take home pay to a landlord is bonkers.

And you must be an idiot to think that paying a share of bills to parents costs the same as a room in a rented house would.

People who live at home typically have more "drive" to better themselves longterm in life than those who move out and are constantly in their overdraft, saving nothing each month.

Yes, but my point is a few years ago it would have cost £1k - or less - to rent a studio flat.

And that rent has risen faster than wages.

Not really. Things are different now. My son is still with us. He is 29. He has a lovely gf 29 . They have both stayed at home to save and hopefully will move out together soon

yes my friend who is a single 30 year old civil servant on 30k in wolverhampton faced his rent in houseshare increasing to £700! he hastily bought a 1 bed 75% shared ownership flat so at least his mortgage would be fixed for 5 years (and apparently the rent portion can only increase by a certain percentage every month). He had a bad relationship with his parents and could never move back. From a poor background so basically nothing else to fall back so if rent increased further, it would all be his burden to bear.

I can't help but think that if he had a semi functional relationship with his parents, it may have made sense for him to move back for a year or two and maybe he could buy a flat without shared ownership or a terraced in a cheap place.

It would have put me off when I was young at dating back in the days - but I think times have changed and not everyone can move out.
He might be lovely.
Don't judge him on circumstance.

starting a relationship and marrying someone who spends 50% of his income on rent probably means you either have to subsidise him or if you are in the same shoes, then it would be hard to start a family or pay childcare. You probably have to move to a cheaper location but then rents may go up there ahead of earnings (if everyone gets the same idea) so its a case of 'you can run but you can't hide'.

obviously different if he is a high income renter (the kind who is investing rather than putting all his eggs in one basket) but then your criteria might as well change to 'high income 30 year old man'. Only 10% of renters fit that description anyway. I think most higher income men would probably have moved out by then(and probably own or on the cusp of owning) anyway unless he is from a different cultural background

I know a woman who doesn't work, citing mental health issues. In reality she's just a useless, toxic individual who expects others to provide everything for her because she's lazy and entitled.

She has her own place - a council flat, which she was offered despite being from a different country and never having paid a penny in tax in the UK.

She moved away from home because she is a nightmare who can't be civil or build a relationship with anyone - including her own parents.

She is everything you wouldn't want to become involved with. But hey, at least she's "moved out", and therefore is a much better catch than someone with financial sense, good relationship skills and integrity.

It depends on the man. In my city, a house share would now be about €800 a month, a studio about €1200 and a standard one-bed flat un-doable on one wage. As for buying- two very good incomes and a fat handout :(.
If he falls into the above circumstances, working, saving and contributing then I'd give him a chance. If he's living like an adult toddler with mummy doing his packed lunch and laundry then forget it.

I'm way too old and too much life experience. But at 31? Been to uni and lived at uni? That's a bit different to my mate still at home NEVER lived anywhere but with mum at 50.

If I was 31 it wouldn't put me off. Unless I had kids and more life experience.

Wouldn't put me off I don't think. It's hard to know unless you're actually in that situation.
If everything else about him ticked boxes I wouldn't be put off just because he has taken a different route in life to me.

My son is 26 & still officially lives with us. He's never had a proper relationship that we know of, as he's not interested in settling down at the moment due to his career & he'd rather be in his own place.
He's saved a shed load of cash, has a nice car, into the gym & fitness & hanging out with his friends. Has always contributed to the housework since he was old enough.
He's been in the RAF for a couple of years & wants to take full advantage of any opportunities. Manages to look after himself & feed himself & continues to save well.
I hope he'll be a good catch in the future, & the fact he's in the military & stays with us in his old room will not be off putting.
He sees no sense in renting a place outside of the Raf as he's often home for less than 48 hours.

This would put me off in a similar way to someone who could not drive.

It’s just so dependent and juvenile.

A lot of my friends kids live at home because they can't afford to do otherwise. One friend has son and girlfriend living there. They are saving, but both on minimum wage.

Our neighbour has done a loft conversion because they forsee their kids not moving out any time soon.

40 years ago, I moved out at 19 and my first mortgage that year was about £20k.

However, my sister who is a lot older than me, born in the late 1940s, spent the first 7 years of her life living in my gran's house, as that was where my parents lived while they were saving up. And it was quite common then.

Everything goes in cycles.