Would this put you off a man-never moved out

[Urghhhcba]

A friend of mine is interested in a 31 year old, but she's found out he's never lived away from home apart from going to uni halls.
Like never been in a serious relationship/lived with a woman or even just moved into a place on his own. Like he's saving but she's just really put off him now.

Depends on the person. Generally I'd say yes it would put me off. Then again. I worked with a man who went home after uni and was there from 22-29 until he met and moved in with his now fiancé. I'm a decade older and always forgot about the age difference because he was so mature. There was nothing to suggest he couldn't handle being an adult. He was at home because he had a nice family he enjoyed spending time with, had the opportunity to save and had no reason to move out. Once he was serious with his fiance, he moved out.

Your friend sounds very shallow

Really depends. I know a man with a good professional job who lives at home. But he did spend a decade living in Australia and us actively looking to buy a house - he has a substantial deposit and mortgage approval. So I think that's not off-putting. On the other hand, my Dad's brother never moved out, never married, inherited the house when his parents died and lives there alone.

So you can't really make a rule.

I wouldn’t run a mile but I’d be cautious and insist on renting together before buying jointly to ensure he was fully capable.

I’d also be watching how he acted at home too, moving dishes, cleanliness of room etc.

I currently live at my mums and it does make it awkward for dating, even though I lived away from home for many years in an owned house. But I’ll never own another house if I go back renting and my current priority is my own home that is just mine, over a relationship.

When I met my DH he was 28 and lived at home, though he had been away for uni and had rented a flat afterwards for a while.

However, he worked for a family business at the family home, in partnership with his sibling, along with his mother who did the admin. Having no rent to pay for business premises helped get the business up and running. Their home was a large house in a rural location so sleeping there too wasn't crazy.

He had few domestic skills, I admit, though they didn't bother me till we lived together properly when we bought a house together. I've trained him up since then!

I had already bought my own place, and he visited once during the week and at weekends so being alone wasn't an issue. I also stayed with him sometimes.

So I'd say it depends on the person so it wouldn't be a blanket no from me. Especially these days when rents are exorbitant and house prices out of reach for most single 20 somethings.

the people who say that you wouldn't date someone who lives at home at 30- would you only date someone who owns a property or who earns enough to buy a home jointly with you or who has substantial savings/bank of mum and dad?

Renting in the UK means that you can be asked to leave with only two months notice and if the person has modest wages, there is no guarantee that the person would be able to afford rent 2,3, 5 or 10 years from now? So you can be dating someone who is renting for now, but has to choose between moving back home or being in severe financial difficulty? what is the difference between that and dating someone who lives at home.

The only way this makes sense is if you are also saying you would only date someone who owns property or is eligible to buy property in the next year or so whether as a couple or by themselves or who has a good income to sustain rent increases of 20% willy nilly.

My DH was 29 and still living at home when I met him (25 years ago) he'd only been away for Uni too. He'd never been in a serious relationship either. He was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want a man with any baggage or a trail of exes.
When we bought our first home together it was special for both of us. We were starting out together. Isn't that the ideal?
He's been the perfect, committed family man.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker.
It's such a western expectation for people to move out early. I love Dwight my parents until I was 30 because I couldn't afford to live comfortably on own and also I liked the company. This never made me a bad person and I'm certainly not a better person now I have my own place. I'm the same person.
People need to stop being so judgey and just let others be.

Coming from an Asian background where it is taken for granted that parents have space for their children until they are married, I can’t believe how many would discount a potential partner for something so shallow without knowing the context. As well as it being cultural, it is also to allow the individual to save for their own place. From our social circle, almost everyone would have saved and purchased a property of their own by their 30s but property prices are going up much faster than salaries so it is not as easy as 10-15 years back.

If you are in SE, your parents are close by with space and a good relationship, why spend upwards of £1000 per month for a house share when can put it towards a deposit? Admittedly everyone does not have this luxury and there are some who live at home because they are lazy but it seems ludicrous that those who do are prematurely judged - their gain from avoiding a relationship with someone so judgmental!

OK and?

I suspect that a lot of the reasons that someone wouldn't date a person who was still living with parents are because the other person (the one NOT living with parents) has managed to get themselves somewhere to live and doesn't really want to date someone who isn't at the same stage.

So unless this thread is full of women living with their parents but only wanted to date men who've got their own places, then those women have managed to leave home and finance a house or flat or houseshare, however they've done it. Usually by scrimping and saving. And they don't want to date a man who thinks all his income should be his and disposable.

I dunno. I don't have a problem with a man who lives at home, but I DO have a problem with lazy man-babies who can't work a washing machine and think the housework fairy cleans the toilet.

80% of London renters spend more than 30% of income (which is what is advised) on rent. It is the minority who would have savings. It's apparently becoming quite a similar percentage even outside of London.

So safe to say the average 20 or even 30 something renter would have no savings unless on a high income relative to the area.

I think it depends. Do they contribute to the household in practical and financial senses with a plan to move out or are they just an oversized teenager looking for someone else to do his washing

Well yes, but we don't all live in London. Many of these 'men who live with parents' are in Doncaster or Newcastle or Sterling too.

Renters in London, South East and South West England spend a higher proportion of their take-home pay on rent than in other regions. In London 86% pay over 30% of their salary on rent, followed by 83% in the South West and 82% in the South East.
Northern Ireland is the least rent burdened region of the UK, with 67% of respondents paying over 30% of their take home pay on rent.

No longer just a London thing. Even in the cheapest region, two thirds are rent burdened.

But there are still plenty of people who don't live with parents? They aren't all millionaires.

I don't live with parents and we spend 10% of gross income /17% of nett on our mortgage in London. Was just lucky to buy in 2019. Definitely not a millionaire lol. Am 31.but increasingly renting today mean you are very likely to be cash poor after all rent and bills and unlikely to be financially stable without help from parents or some future income increases.

In cheaper areas,, just a gift of 10-20k added to savings could mean you pay a mortgage instead of rent and the average mortgagor tends to pay about 20% of gross income compared to average renter. But a lot of that is dependent on luck. Unless you have a high income whether you own or rent can be dependent on luck and not whether you are a millionaire

Tbh my dh wouldn't be rent burdened even if he rented on his own. His nett income is £4000 a month (gross income £75k per annum with 10% employer contribution to pension) and a room in London rents for £1000 (our mortgage for a 2 bed flat also £1020 due to rise to £1250 in August).

I would say to be a comfortably off renter wherever you are in the UK, you need to earn 40-80k in most places at least to rent a room and be caught in an unsustainable rental trap cycle (assuming no huge pay increases) . Perhaps in the cheapest cities you could get away with £35k. But in most place you are likely to be a higher rate taxpayer to not spend more than 30% on housing. Higher rate taxpayers are not millionaires but expecting a partner to be a higher rate taxpayer rules out probably at least 75% of all 30 year old men and I am being generous and taking into account men earn more than women (though they don't tend to at that age)

Not a dealbreaker but certainly a question mark.

These are the questions I would be asking.

If he’s never picked a pair of dirty socks up off the floor, she needs to run to the hills. If he does his own food shopping and share of the housework, she should be fine.

When I met my fiancé, he lived at home with his mum. He was 38! It was a 6 bedroom farm but still, never lived on his own. His longest relationship was 6 months!
He moved in with me and now we have a 5 year old and 1 year old.
I never understood how he had hardly any relationships (he looks a lot like Bradley Cooper) He's a lovely man.

I think this is really good point and agree a lot.

It’s not remotely shallow, and culture of origin is irrelevant to me. I simply wouldn’t contemplate a relationship in which the other person had missed out on, for whatever reason, the crucial step in independent selfhood that is living independently. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who thought ‘saving for a deposit’ legitimated prolonging adolescence into his 30s.

I am from an Asian background too. All my friends and family who married men who never moved out have simply had to move in with them to live with inlaws, brothers, sisters etc etc. My idea of hell.

I married an Asian, who left home at 18 to live in a grotty hostel and does not want to return, ever.