Would this put you off a man-never moved out

[Urghhhcba]

A friend of mine is interested in a 31 year old, but she's found out he's never lived away from home apart from going to uni halls.
Like never been in a serious relationship/lived with a woman or even just moved into a place on his own. Like he's saving but she's just really put off him now.

@ReadingLight see for me, I don't think that's a necessary stage if the person living at home contributes properly, pays their own way and has their own plans for their future. I've prioritised being able to save (whilst absolutely contributing weekly and to home improvements) and therefore be financially better off than have the experience you're talking of, in my opinion it's a lot about the background you come from, how psychologically willing you are to live financially precariously and having a blanket judgemental approach completely fails to consider it. It's not about prolonging adolescence it's about financial choices especially if you're properly paying your way whilst at home. Everyone's entitled to their own views but I personally think it's incredibly naive and judgmental to suggest your way makes someone an adult and anything else is just childishness.

It would put me off because I have always wanted an partner who values and prioritises their independence, as I do. If someone is willing to give up their independence long term, even for financial reasons, they aren't for me.

I probably wouldn't date a man still living at home. I live in a relatively cheap part of the country and bought my own home in my early twenties, my life is here so I would be looking to date a relatively local man therefore he would also be living in a relatively cheap part of the country, so living at home in his 30s to save for a deposit would be unacceptable to me.

To the PP who said about her son in the RAF, that wouldn't put me off that his official address is yours, he's obviously moved out to join the RAF.

It is extremely shallow to dismiss all those who have chosen to remain in the family home as ‘prolonging adolescence’. As has been pointed out many times, it is about financial choice especially if living in a high cost area.

DH’s parents purchased a new family home when in his 20s which was extended and modernised before moving in. He contributed both towards the cost and also towards the practicalities in the build project. He also cared for his elderly grandparents who lived with them for a period of time in this home. He was living there independently when we were dating - contributing both towards the upkeep of the house as well as usual daily costs.

You are simply excluding a whole group of people with no background or context. As I said originally, their gain!

There’s nothing at all shallow about excluding a group of people whose choices mean they would not work for me as potential partners. And yes, I do see those choices as artificially prolonging adolescence, regardless of whether they contribute to household running costs. They’ve made a limiting choice which would rule them out for me. It’s no one’s loss or gain.

No as it’s expensive to move out these days and why would you and pay out for rent when you can live with family and save.

It wouldn't put me off. Why make life harder than it needs to be? If his parents are happy with the situation then it saves everyone money. I've lived on my own since I was 18 and there's nothing great about struggling to pay the rent and bills as a single person. Wish I'd had the opportunity to live with parents!

Everyone has to live somewhere only a snob or a gold digger would be put off by this it personality that counts not where a person lives ffs

My ds is also ND, living atm in a house share but I can imagine him coming back home after university. He would also make a lovely partner, is good with finances and loves fixing things around our house. It wouldn't make sense him paying rent when he could help me out with household expenses and save towards his own home. He does like living with other people but he's very house proud which doesn't always go down well with the other students.

This would have put me off 10-15 years ago but now I think the house/rent prices and the cost of living is so high that if they’re saving instead it makes sense.

Personality is the reason I wouldn’t be interested. The kind of personality that would contemplate living with parents till the age of 31 would be deeply unappealing to me.

All these men? My friendship group are mostly in their 30s, and several of them live at home but have significant savings.

There’s only one that fritters away cash like it’s going out of fashion; the rest are very good with money.

Run for the hills.
yes the cost of living is tough, could be saving etc etc yadda yadda, but really it’s actually one of two scenarios.
1- he’s tighter than a gnats arsehole and if he hasn’t managed to save a house deposit in the ten years since uni he ain’t never leaving home.
2- he can’t cut the umbilical cord, and from personal experience, he will either expect you to take the place of his mother and be his love in maid OR he will expect you to defer to his mother at all times and undermine you completely at every turn.

hes a man child.

I'm just saying my experience, OLD for 10 years on and off. I have to point out though, said OLD hasn't been that successful so perhaps I attract a type!

Ur a snob then n refusing to get to no someone because of their living situation that man got a lucky escape in my book lol

Snort. When you’re contemplating a relationship, where do you draw the line a regards the ‘living situation’ you regard as so minor — sofa surfing? Sleeping on park benches? Completely irrelevant, obviously.

A lot of university students think they are slumming it if they don't have an en suite and a dishwasher. Big difference from when I was at university where we had to walk to the nearest laundrette and there was normally only one bathroom for 5 or 6 people.

In fairness, around here they are paying quite insane sums for accommodation., and half of the places we lived in when we were students would probably be condemned as unsafe now. I lived somewhere once that was so cold I used to wear a jumper in the bath, rolled up out of way of the water…😀

It would put me off.

No, wouldn’t go out with someone who lived with their parent/s. I did my acting like a teenager/being quiet/creeping around parents’ houses in my teenage years.

also, I’m not straight, but who needs a bloke who is used to being looked after by his mummy? We all know he will be. Most blokes won’t look after themselves even if they have to and will try and find a woman to do it for them instead, so the chances of finding that unicorn man who lives at home but is completely independent of mummy is, well, impossible, because such a man does not exist.

It would not put me off exactly but would make me somewhat cautious. I'd want to find out what his living situation is like.

Is he living with his parents but working and financially contributing to make up for what he costs to house eg paying for increased bills? Is he sensible with money and saving to get his own place? Is he able to cook for himself, clean, do his own washing?

Does his relationship with his parents (particularly his mother to be honest) seem healthy? Does he care for her and treat her kindly but have healthy boundaries and maintain independence? How much influence does she have on his decisions about his private life like partners, where he lives etc? Is there some weird enmeshment where he acts more like her husband than her son?

If I liked someone I would not stop dating them over this but I would be mindful of it and be slow to move forward until I could figure out what's going on there.

My main concerns would be a potential future very difficult MIL and a partner who was unable to draw boundaries with her or a man who has been looked after his whole life and would expect me to take on the role of a mother.

So I am perhaps being judgemental but not judgemental of anyone who has always lived at home. More wary of what that might be a sign of. If my concerns prove unfounded then it wouldn't be an issue at all.

I don't think that someone moving back in for a defined period of time to save is any issue whatsoever. I guess it's someone who's never had the curiosity to even try it for a year or so, even just with a friend or something. Uni halls at 18 is different.

That's what I find weird, wouldn't you rather move back after university, save and then move out again.. Why waste money renting when your eventual intention is to buy? Unless you are the kind where you are sure that your income will progress that rent would be less than 10% of income and you can invest the difference!

Yes, totally agree with that. For me it’s a mindset problem. It would bother me that they’d never wanted to. I value independence and want a partner who feels the same. I want someone who has experienced standing on their own two feet so that when I inevitably take on some of the load they have some appreciation for the work involved (and vice versa of course).

In isolation not moving out would not be an issue.

Having to be home for dinner, mummy doing his washing, or other man child behaviours would be concerns.

Clearly being an independent, competent adult but living at parental home is ok.