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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visits after having a baby

237 replies

KlaudH · 23/02/2024 10:28

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

OP posts:
PillowRest · 23/02/2024 10:32

I can see her being disappointed about a week, but 3 days is completely understandable, and a week may be necessary depending on your recovery and how breastfeeding is going too.
I'd be worried about the "just for half an hour on the day" comment too... that should've been a given whenever she was visiting the first time, I'd make sure she isn't planning on staying for hours on eg day 4.

MewMame · 23/02/2024 10:33

Let her be a bit annoyed at you. You’re in the right, but that doesn’t even matter. It’s fine for people to be mildly irritated with you. If she’s a reasonable person she’ll get over it quickly and be happy to see you and the baby afterwards, if she’s not you probably don’t want her too close.

PillowRest · 23/02/2024 10:34

Also, on day 3 you will have a midwife or health visitor coming, as well as a different health visitor to do a hearing test around that time. The first 10 days are quite busy with health care visits especially if baby is jaundiced so needing extra checks.

igglepigglee · 23/02/2024 10:37

I've just had a baby. We had midwife on day 1, then we had to go to midwives on day 5 for baby to be weighed, now on day 11 we have a HV coming round. It's entirely your choice when you allow visitors. I also wanted a few day to settle in and people understood that, it was 5 days when I said it was okay to have my mum round, the next day my dad and the day after dh dad.
Don't feel guilty, if you want a week, take a week. You never know though you might feel differently once baby is here so I wouldn't set anything in stone just yet

Lorelaigilmore88 · 23/02/2024 10:40

I mean its your house and your baby but cant you just see how you feel? Personally i couldn't wait to get family around to meet my babies. I do think 5-7 days is a bit too much, 3 days more reasonable.
But tbh i have never understood these sorts of posts where people stress about visitors after a baby arrives. I was always of the opinion that people can come but they accept the house may be a mess or I'm in my pjs.

EmilyTjP · 23/02/2024 10:44

3 days is fine. A week is unreasonable (unless baby is unwell of course).

Schum · 23/02/2024 10:46

It’s your choice but I couldn’t wait to show my babies off to people. How wonderful for them to be surrounded in a loving family who can’t wait to meet them.

Untilitisnt · 23/02/2024 10:47

EmilyTjP · 23/02/2024 10:44

3 days is fine. A week is unreasonable (unless baby is unwell of course).

Your body, your baby, your rules
You mil is being selfish

Station11 · 23/02/2024 10:50

Personally, I think it's up to you. Just wait and see how you feel and say that you'll call when you're feeling up to having visitors. You may feel fine and want to show off your new baby, you may end up having a section and not feel up to visitors or be in hospital.

I also wouldn't get your heart set on a homebirth, it's your first child and around half homebirths to first time mums transfer either during or after labour. You can always use that as an excuse.

As long as you're treating all visitors equally, it's fine.

Untilitisnt · 23/02/2024 10:51

Schum · 23/02/2024 10:46

It’s your choice but I couldn’t wait to show my babies off to people. How wonderful for them to be surrounded in a loving family who can’t wait to meet them.

Any thought for the baby? It may not want to be picked up by random strangers who are breathing all over it, kisses, etc
It's just been through an incredibly stressful time just being born, even a c-section is stressful

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 23/02/2024 10:54

I have an 11 week old baby, my first. Traumatic birth - failed forceps and c section. Parents live far away (both sets). Both wanted to see asap but respected whenever we were ready. Offered to stay in hotel and just pop by, wanted to see when new as change so much. Honestly, they were right. Baby changed so much even within first week. By 2 weeks old completely different baby. Had first set day after home from hospital, second set the day after (and day after as baby wasn't sleeping so asked them back to watch while napped and showered 😅). It's a personal choice, but if good relationship, know they respect boundaries and are genuinely helpful (both sets bought food, did some dishes, offered to do anything else etc) you might end up deciding you appreciate it. I enjoyed seeing people I love adore my new precious baby. Ultimately I'm glad we let them come and as said asked them to come back over before they left following day to help out some more 😅.

It's 100% up to you when comfortable, and depends on your relationship with them. 3 days is really very reasonable, but I do understand having had one recently that she is right they change so much so quick and even that week makes a huge difference so I can understand why she was upset when you said a week. If you think she will respect just dropping by for 30 min without amy judgement or expectations, I'd do it if you feel up to it. Not on the day, but within the first week. Seeing their faces light up when they met him is an absolutely treasured memory of mine from his first week.

jannier · 23/02/2024 10:54

I was grateful for the help I'd had a 3 day labour and was exhausted my mum and mil looked after me. I get not wanting loads of visitors but the family is lovely.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/02/2024 10:55

A week feels too long to me but I think a few days is absolutely fine.

I was happy with visitors right away, it was lovely to see everyone meet him and hold him.

DappledThings · 23/02/2024 10:58

Just see how you feel. We'd read about people wanting time on their own so sort of assumed it was the done thing and what we'd want. By day 2 I was sitting around feeling a bit daft and wanting people over. Wasn't sure what we were meant to be doing that required no visitors.

But different for everyone. I'd just say you'd like to wait to invite people over and that might be in day 3 or day 8 but you'll let them know rather than setting up an expectation for yourself or for anyone else.

Rosestulips · 23/02/2024 11:00

Depends on what she’s like. Will she come and help you get fed, tidy up, do nappies or will she sit on her ass and expect to be waited on?

if it’s the second then definitely hold her off as long as you feel necessary.

my Mum was welcome straight away as she brought food, helped out etc

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 23/02/2024 11:01

Untilitisnt · 23/02/2024 10:51

Any thought for the baby? It may not want to be picked up by random strangers who are breathing all over it, kisses, etc
It's just been through an incredibly stressful time just being born, even a c-section is stressful

Show quote history

All in my case were very respectful, washed hands before holding, didn't get in his face or kiss him. Had flu jabs. Baby was asleep and was perfectly content. Would have passed to me instantly if asked. They're also not strangers, they're grandparents! I have so many amazing memories with mine and seeing them with him is amazing. They're the people who love that baby most in the universe bar you. Obviously it's different if they arent respectful and bad relationship.

namechangeagaintime · 23/02/2024 11:06

It is your choice but I’d play it by ear certainly. I became very private and just wanted to nest towards the end of my pregnancy and planned to keep visitors to a minimum. Once the baby was out I was absolutely desperate to show her off and our house ended up being full of a constant stream of visitors for the next two weeks. It was a lovely time filled with cups of tea and flowers and cards and baby cuddles and I was truly touched and overwhelmed at how many people loved my little baby already. Having said that, it is totally your choice and you might feel differently. It will also depend on how the birth went, your recovery, how feeding is going etc. You don’t need to decide anything now except that you and baby will be number one priority and your DH must support you in this. Your DH and his mum need to remember that you’ll have been through a massive physical (and emotional) event and will have your own recovery to focus on, and this will take precedent over anything else.

Good luck with everything, you’re in for a wonderful journey! Flowers

35965a · 23/02/2024 11:09

A few days is completely understandable. Personally I let immediate visit as soon as they wanted to so I could get that initial visit out of the way when everyone is so excited and emotions are running high.

35965a · 23/02/2024 11:09

Immediate family*

EmilyTjP · 23/02/2024 11:10

Untilitisnt · 23/02/2024 10:51

Any thought for the baby? It may not want to be picked up by random strangers who are breathing all over it, kisses, etc
It's just been through an incredibly stressful time just being born, even a c-section is stressful

Show quote history

Babies have survived for centuries with being breathed on by people, I’m sure this one will be fine.

GhostStories · 23/02/2024 11:14

Just do what you feel comfortable with, you’re the one who will have given birth so your feelings are priority.

I was ready to see close friends the day after giving birth but I didn’t arrange it until I knew I felt ok.

Do put your foot down though, I said we’d be in touch about visits and my in laws just turned up on the day I gave birth. 🙄

Lau2109 · 23/02/2024 11:16

Any amount of time that feels reasonable to you is the correct amount of time. It's the perfect time to put yourself and your baby first and if that means creating a newborn bubble for a week, two, a month-- that is your prerogative! You don't even have to decide now, you don't owe anyone an early appointment. Have your baby, take it day by day, and when it's a good day, invite them round.

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 23/02/2024 11:16

Whatever you feel is the best, you've been carrying that baby for nine months, a huge human is coming out of you, you will feel tired and exhausted, almost vulnerable. Visitors can be huge help or complete pain.

Personally I wish I didn't go about pleasing people over my my needs and sanity. Often people just want to fuss with the baby, interfering with feeds and sleep. If you are bf then your boobs are out most of the time and I would feel uncomfortable around people especially my in laws with my boobs hanging out. While you are there tired, a mess, bleeding and in pain. If they are reasonable they should bring food, drink and will only stay for half an hour. And would respect your wishes regarding when to visit.

Don't compromise, you are not being unreasonable. You're going through a lot already. The baby will be there for when you are ready for them to see. Take your time. Take care of yourself and your well being. They'll get over it. If your DH does not agree shove a watermelon up his back door and yank it out, then put a nipple clamp on his nipples and pull it, repeat at least few times, let see if he wants any visitors straight away from your parents.

blaringcube · 23/02/2024 11:18

Do what YOU want to do. I wouldn't want visitors so soon after either.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 23/02/2024 11:19

YANBU, but for me it would depend on the relationship with my MIL. I love my MIL and she's genuinely a wonderful supportive person. I was happy for her to visit very soon afterwards both times because I knew she wouldn't stay for ages and I'm very comfortable around her.
But if she was likely to come in, stay for hours, keep hold of the baby, generally be a nuisance etc then I'd keep her away longer.

But it's absolutely for you to decide what you're comfortable with.