Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

See how you feel and let people know from there.

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby. I'm not close to my MIL, she doesn't make much effort normally. She may well be "desperate" to meet her first and last grandchild but I'm a person with needs and wants too.

Just wait and see how you feel when it happens. Your birth may go really smoothly and you might be desperate to show baby off after a couple of days. Or it may be a little more complicated and want longer to recover and bond with baby before visitors. Both are completely fine but it’s fair to say you won’t know how you feel until baby arrives!

Get your DH to speak to his mum and tell her words to that effect. She just sounds excited and some people are a bit like that with brand newborns. Some people like to see them as squashed up little red aliens before they start to resemble a real baby.

Your MIL sounds like mine (who I mostly adore) and I saw her on day 3 or 4 and she spent the whole time sobbing over the baby 😅 it was a bit much. Even I didn’t look at them with that level of love but she’s a wonderful grandmother to both kids who adore her so it was worth the slight “wtf” moment in the beginning.

Post are saying I don't want people to see me in a mess or my messy house. ....that's not being proud you've just done something amazing it's being ashamed that your not super woman.
It's not normal for women to refuse help from their wider family unit particularly women who have given birth yet on M N it's all about doing it alone with your partner because you can't bond otherwise.....who the hell made money from selling that shit ...really no women before 2019 bonded with their babies because grandparents visited for an hour?
Why peddle the idea that it will automatically be traumatic .....it isn't for most women or we would all only do it once...stop scaring mums to be with this horse shit....yes if after your not wanting people say no but plan on it being awful and saying no before hand is wrong. Not recognising you need time but assuming you will.
It's sad your parents and in-laws are not interested in your kids....maybe because you pushed them into thinking you didn't want or need them.
Being a strong independent woman does not mean planning to go it alone or not accepting help it means knowing how to ask for it and when to say I'm resting today but not 3 months or even days before you actually know how you will be.

The announcement used to be please call before you come as it may be inconvenient especially if the baby has kept us up all night and we've all just dropped off for the first time.

Is this a new thing? When my son was born the first visitors (my mom, dad, bother and sister in law) came to see him the day after he was born. I can't remember anyone saying no visitors, family were always welcome the earliest chance they could get to meet the newest member.
When my granddaughter was born at lunchtime , my son called me to tell me she was here, and to get to the hospital before 3 o'clock as that was when visiting hour ended.

Yes that was the norm with ours, I wonder whether down to shorter hospital stays as visiting hours used to be quite restricted in hospital 2-4 and 6-8pm so new mums would have these short windows of visitors which would be quite pleasant and of course nothing expected of the new mum as in hospital, didn’t have to worry about house being tidy etc. (Although if first baby can’t see why house would have had chance to get into much of a state as newborns don’t exactly create much mess, but not that anyone should ever be judging new parents on state of house) Perhaps mums that had a bad experience of visitors overwhelming them and staying for hours etc felt need to tell people to shun all visitors. It’s a sad extreme for people to go to as indeed, short visits by close family members initially followed by other visitors after a few days was always the norm and usually very much appreciated

Lol I get what you mean! Being harassed with people and presents 🤣

Lol @ her knowing its you who wants to wait a few days and its not your husband. Yeah cos its not him giving birth. She sounds very entitled and needs to back off. I've never understood why people think their excitement over rules someone else's comfort.

It’s obviously up to you but I’m so close to my family I cant imagine telling them they can’t come for a few days. It would be a strange thing to do on my and my partners side and feels really princess like.

Why on earth would your family visiting impact upon breastfeeding. I fed all of mine on demand, anywhere and everywhere.

If they're coming to your home then they can expect to see the baby being fed....

My first baby was very poorly after he was born and he was on NICU. My sister who I’m really close to didn’t meet him for 5 days and i was so so sad about that. I was desperate for people to see him and would have given anything for everything to have just been normal and everyone to have seen him and it have been a happy time. Just see how you feel. It never makes sense to me to impose these rules before birth. My second baby everyone came to see her at the hospital and I had had a c section and felt horrendous but I was just happy to see my baby loved.

having an extended family that love your baby is so important and a lovely thing. Of course, if you decide you can’t face visitors just gently put them off and say as soon as you’re ready you will let them know. You might feel great and be happy to have them for an hour on day one.

My PIL came to visit for half an hour in hospital and that was totally fine. I was out of it after 48 hours with no sleep and looked like crap but happy for them to see her.

My own parents live abroad and were really upset when I said that I didn't want them to come immediately, but I was right, because when they did visit after about 10 days they had nothing to do in the area but visit, so they were there Monday to Friday and turned up at 8am and didn't leave until 7pm. Honestly, by Friday I was just sobbing in my bedroom whenever I fed the baby. It was just far far too much.

Why on earth would your family visiting impact upon breastfeeding. I fed all of mine on demand, anywhere and everywhere.

I can see how this would be the case. The early days of breastfeeding can involve being topless for extended periods of time (skin to skin to help milk production) and if you're struggling to get the baby to latch your breasts are very much out in the open, so if you can't be alone you might have to bottle feed.

🙋‍♀️
I wanted the first day just us, and mil lived a few hours away, doesn’t drive, refuses to get train etc. her plan was oh would go get her as soon as I went into labour, then she could be at the birth (hell no!) and stay at ours for a few weeks…
I said she could make her own way and get a hotel or wait until we were ready for house guests (she’s not a supportive person and even tried to get oh to buy formula behind my back while I was pregnant in case I decided to stop bfing in the middle of the night)… she said she couldn’t stay in a hotel and we were excluding her from the baby, then that she was to be the first person to hold the baby other than me and oh…
i ended up in a long labour and emergency section, oh made the choice to call my parents as he wanted a nap and I couldn’t be left with baby as I was in and out of consciousness. Once I regained consciousness I told oh to ring his mum, tell her she could stay now if someone could bring her (her brother usually drove her to visit if oh didn’t pick up) she refused as oh would be at hospital all the time and she’d only get to come to one visiting time a day, as they were limited to 2 people! Then said I’m meant to be out in 5 days come that day… nope, she came when he was about 10 days old then wanted to know who exactly had held him, and that no one should’ve. I was in a bad way, couldn’t carry baby down the stairs, lived in a flat, absolutely needed friends and family to help me get out!

Thanks so much for the responses! DH spoke to his parents and they accepted the 3 days, but I took the advice of some people here and asked him to say that if we feel up for a visit earlier then we’ll let them know.

Some people said that my PIL could visit early on and I could have a rest in my bedroom or take a rest. That wouldn’t work with DH’s family as it would be taken as rude, so I will need to be sitting up in the living room and be ready for a chat. Also, I might be asked a lot of questions (possibly about labour etc.) as one of DH’s family members asks a lot of questions, which shows interest, but it can be a bit overwhelming even if I haven’t just given birth.

My family will also be coming after a few days. As much as I love our families they can both be talkative and not too quiet, so that’s a big reason why I wouldn’t want them all to visit straight away (it could be overwhelming). Also, DH’s family lives 1 hour 20 mins away from us, but my family lives further away and they wouldn’t be able to visit just for half an hour or an hour. So, if we let them stay at least a few hours we’ll need to let DH’s family stay longer as well and I’m not ready for such long visits from our families a day or two after birth in our home.

From reading responses to my post, a lot of people seem to wonder why impose a rule now, but I think those that do ask for a couple of days with no visits after birth in advance do it for individual reasons that could be very specific to their situation.

Not sure how overwhelming talking to your own family can be but hey ho..... When I had dc3 at 6am I collected dc 1 and 2 from school at 3pm.. You may surprise yourself op.

Princess like 🙄 prioritising her comfort level is not princess like. The very fact she's asking for advise and haven't just told the in laws to lump it shows shes far from princess behaviour

Well that would be why I spoke of protecting yourself in a bad relationship with the grandparents, wouldn't it. For most people (in real life, not MN where MILs can only be abusive) that's not the case.

The misogyny on mumsnet is beyond.

"DH spoke to his parents and they accepted the 3 days"
Thede is nothing to accept.
Your home, your baby, your recovery, your rules.
Set them firm now or you will get swamped in crazy requests later on.

I fried steaks a day after c section but was still very happy that I closed twoo week period after birth for visits. Parents live abroad and I simply did not want them staying with us quickly after I gave birth.
It is not state of the house or unwashed hair. I just wanted some peace and quiet.
If they were in London I'd probably be ok with an hour visif after a week but not before.
There is more than enough time in childs life for grandparents to bond with them.
If your instinct is to keep family off for a week put it in place now. There is nothing to appologise about.

I really hope you continue to prioritise yourself and don't let the unfornate amount of women struggling with internalised misogyny (and in some cases delusions i.e. 'children love their grandparents more than their parents') get to you. Honestly I think the trend of asking a pregnant woman when they can visit after birth is so unnecessary. The standard should be to wait when they are informed and when they are invited to visit. Good luck with your birth I hope all goes well, and remember there is nothing for them to accept. You are the patient, your babies mother and you set the rules around your birth and postpartum period. It is not a negotiation and anyone who loves and respects you will have zero issue to wait a few days to help you and baby bond and recover. As I said earlier I've waited to visi family members babies before and I didn't even blink - when you care for someone there is no issue prioritising their needs over yours in situations like this.

I’m the least misogynistic person lol, I am saying that’s what it would have felt like in my partner and my family if I had said I don’t want to see anyone for a week knowing my family all want to see me and the baby. By all means people should do what they want but that’s how it would have felt and I do not know anyone in real life who are really close to family and do this. I’m so close to my family that I couldn’t imagine keeping them away.

@Firecarrier that's great you felt confident to do so. I didn't. I was also 'warned' in advance by fil that he would be extremely uncomfortable if I breastfed around him so when the time came of course I didn't feel comfortable doing so even when they were in my house. I had a massive over supply and ds had a tongue tie and choked a lot so it wasn't easy to be subtle with it in the early weeks, I spent a lot of the time at home very exposed and I therefore wasn't comfortable feeding in front of anyone apart from dh or my own family until i got the hang of it. Obviously I got past that after a few weeks and ds feeding improved but initially that was how I felt. I also struggled with healing after c section and really begrudged that every time I wanted to feed with visitors there it meant climbing the stairs with baby to get to a private room. I tried scheduling visitors around feeds except inlaws didn't stick to that and then started arranging for extended family to visit on our behalf. Never mind that they made it clear they were there to see baby so I couldn't then cluster feed in private the way ds wanted to. It was infinitely easier when I shut the door for a week and gave myself the time and space I needed. It was hugely stressful when it shouldn't have been. I'm quite a private person and if we're lucky enough to have a second it will be very different next time round. I don't see why everyone seems to assume new mothers are a monolith who will have the same experience and feeling and anyone outside of that is abnormal in some way. I'm very pro my son having a relationship with my in laws, they're very good to us and dote on him and in general we get on very very well and see them really regularly, their excitement just got the better of them at that time. Listening to what new mothers need is important. I felt like I'd had a baby and had a huge operation and then suddenly became invisible.

The thing is you've just called another woman prioritising her own needs after a huge thing her body has just been through, when she's healing, recovering and hormonal as "princess like". That is misogynistic. Anything other than encouraging op to trust her gut, listen to what her body needs and acknowledge that this is really one of the only times where its completely acceptable for a woman to put her needs first is misogynistic. It's just that there's so much around birth in general and the culture that goes with it that is deeply misogynistic that I think a lot of us don't really recognise it.