Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

Mine is grown now, but I had no idea what I was doing with a newborn. Thankfully, MIL did. She came for two weeks. She cooked, she cleaned. After baby was fed and changed, she sat with him and ordered me to nap. I was able to shower, rest, eat. She was an absolute God send and I miss her so much now. Wait and see. You may be happy to have an extra set of hands so you can shower, eat or rest.

How is the first week busy at all?

You really don’t need o plan anything at this stage…no one can predict how it will go ,especially with the first - I was in hospital with mine for the first week .So there’s no need to lay anything in stone or for anyone to get upset about arrangements that you can’t possible make at this stage.

Ps you say you are “having a home birth”…you might want to amend that to “ hoping for a home birth” …again, I wanted a home birth twice didn’t get one either time!!!

Unkind and totally unnecessary

Your MIL is a grown adult flipping out over being asked to wait 5-7 days to give you some time to recover. Don’t entertain this any longer, you want the time and by how unreasonable she’s being she’s only thinking of herself. Stand your ground. Your body, your birth your choice. The fact that she’s tried to go behind you to your DH does not make her sound like a good person either. She should be encouraging her son to give you everything you need for support.

YANBU but bear in mind you might feel more up for visitors day 2-3 than days 4-6 or so depending on baby blues / when your milk comes in.
I was really glad with my first that we had all the family around in the first few days, it meant I had no issue stopping visits for a few days when things got tough. Not everyone has difficulties around that time but it seems pretty common in my experience!

Also good luck with the home birth! I planned one with my second but had to taxi to hospital as the home birth midwives were all busy.

This is not a thread about birth. Expectant Mums don't need unasked for, negative opinions about their birth choice, keep it to yourself!

IME most grandmothers do indeed remember what it's like to have a baby, and are nothing but loving and supportive.

Also, my DH was so over the moon with our babies that I think he would've happily appeared on Sky News to introduce them to the world. It would have been so cruel to make him wait a week to introduce them to his lovely parents who were so happy for us both, and who are wonderful grandparents that my children adore.

Seriously OP, this isn't the norm in the offline world. Talk to real life friends about what they did.

Busy recovering from giving birth, potentially recovering from surgery, busy being up all night, busy trying to keep the house tidy (especially if you have unwanted visitors)!, busy getting used to the fact that you're now a parent, busy getting to grips with feeding, Any more?

I think this trend is bonkers. Giving birth is the most natural thing in the world. I don’t know why we are trying to build a range of rituals around the whole process. I was devastated for my poor mum when my brother’s wife decided they needed bonding times for two weeks after birth of their two girls.

I have had three children and introducing my babies to their grandparents was so lovely.
I personally would have been so bored if I hadn't had friends and family to see in the first couple of weeks
All my friends IRL, my adult children and their friends felt the same with their new arrivals.
This is my experience but each to their own.
The words entitlement and boundaries were not in my vocabulary when my children were growing up.

To be honest I think you are being a bit precious, I had my immediate family and closest friend visit me the day after the birth of my first and it was fine, I was in my nightie but so what, surely your mum has seen you in your pjs. Yes totally other visitors and people bringing kids round etc can wait a couple of weeks. Even on baby no 5 I wanted at least a couple of weeks in pjs with nothing to focus on but baby and recovering but close family popping by for half an hour to meet the newest previous member of their family is different.

Actually I was high as a kite after I had my first child and our house was full of family young and old cooing over the baby. It was lovely and those family memories and the bonds they created are still strong now even though my DC are young adults now.

It was day 3 that my hormones crashed. That’s when we should’ve boycotted visitors for a few days.

Just remember it is important to look after yourself but your DH should be supporting that and managing (and shouldering) any additional stresses. Your baby also has a wider family that love them. Early strong bonds grow into loving relationships with extended family and they are very important to children and their long term well-being.

You are the one giving birth. He's your child. They can see a video or photos until you are ready don't be bullied or people please

Please don't commit to anything if you can avoid it. If you can say nothing before three days and then you'll see how you feel.

IME I was very very vulnerable after I had my ds & my in laws appeared that night. I wasn't asked and was struggling with bf and they were a family who had a troubled relationship with bf - & I you don't need family advice when you're post partum.

People don't realize how intimate a process having a baby can be - they want to get a hold of them asap because they are literally bundles of pulsing joy. But the mother needs to find her confidence, recover from the birth and establish a relationship with this secret person who's been so close but now they've arrived with all their vulnerability mixed in with your fears. And in laws can sometimes burst in with muchos insensitive BULLSHIT and undermine the mother (& other parent) at the moment they need to find their feet.
It's a huge physical, psychological, cultural crash to become a mother. A life event which happens inside and outside your body- it's amazing but it's can leave you in a bit of shock for a few days.

Hold out for what you want! These bloody relatives - it's not about them.

After dd I was different - much more chilled.

Follow @organicallymaddie on Instagram she'll help you set boundaries.

Your official line which your partner must support you with is 'we'll let you know when mum and baby are recovered and up for visits'

If he won't agree to respect this then get discharged to your mums house to be looked after there. You may be up for visits, you might also have bleeding nipples be hobbling around with a c section scar and unwashed hair.

You could always say they could drop
Off food etc and hubby can take baby to the door to say hi but that's it for first few days - any visitors are helpers not spectators

It's completely your decision, you're the one giving birth so ultimately it's upto you.
Personally we had our parents round straight away, my mum came to the hospital when both babies were only a couple of hours old and my in-laws came round the day after we got home. I think if we'd have said no then they'd have respected our decision even if they were a bit miffed.
I think if it's important to you then stand your ground.

Can’t you let just let them all visit fit very short amount of time. I don’t understand why grandparents can’t see their grandchild I don’t know what’s going on nowadays. I’ve got teenagers, DM, MIL saw each of mine day they were born then maybe every two days for short amounts of time. I had other visitors from about 10 days/2 weeks. I had difficult births it was fine

Baby will still be there in a weeks time, no need for people to be getting offended.
As for husband not understanding - ask him to imagine he sits in one of those adult nappies, bleeding, sleep deprived - how does entertaining guests sound to him in this scenario?

Why though? I gave birth by emergency section at the tail end of covid, and other than my husband I was only allowed 1 other visitor during the time I was in hospital. Why should I not have chosen my own mother? It was me that went through the traumatic birth and I wanted MY mum, not anybody else's. Naturally, that meant she met my daughter before my dad, or my MIL and FIL.

I think it's such a personal thing. I was quite happy for visitors to be honest. It didn't bother me at all. However, you are absolutely right to put boundaries in if you don't feel comfortable.

DDIL had an emergency c section on Boxing Day, she came home the next day and we went down on 30/31st and stayed in a hotel. Her parents went sooner, but they live just down the road. She was desperate for us to visit because she didn’t want any of their friends to meet DGS before we did and they were chomping at the bit to go round. I helped them out with the laundry, lunches etc. We got a takeout for dinner and took them breakfast in the morning.

I’m so grateful that we were allowed to visit in those first few days because it was so incredibly special.

Can’t agree more, I do feel sorry for the dh as this attitude would rather set the tone if this had been my DIL. It’s one thing holding off extended family and friends for a couple of weeks and not agreeing to prolonged visits, people coming to stay etc for several weeks but this is your closest family. I’d be devastated if my daughter told me I couldn’t see her or baby for a week after she’d just given birth (she’s already told me she would like me there for the birth if she has children) I had my mum with me, having been through it I can’t imagine having wanted her to stay away. It is up to the OP but as long as doesn’t go complaining about everyone not fawning enough over her and baby later on, is quite sad