Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

I’m on your side here, you don’t know how you’ll feel or what your experience will be and who you will want near you or your baby. You may feel fine and ready immediately, or it may take some time.

There’s also something to be said for those pregnancy hormones and maternal instinct in these stages. I got terribly protective over myself and my unborn/newborn baby - all natural, but was certainly challenging when trying to navigate new relationships etc.

Our NCT instructor warned us that day 3pp is one of the hardest emotionally. I was fine, but know others that weren’t. Only mentioning that as you may want to leave it until day 4!

My in laws and brother in law came to the hospital the day after with my first! I was a bit annoyed but they're lovely really so didn't say anything. They didn't have the same enthusiasm with my second 😂. Do what's right for you and see how you feel after the event. Good luck!

You may be in. Hospital afterwards for 3,4 5 more days, nobody knows! I’d totally refuse any hospital visitors. So say 3 days after you return home. Whatever age that makes your baby. They really do t have to see baby so soon!

Wait until you you have children and when they are grown up and have their fist DC etc, they say "dear mummy and daddy.... I know you are eager and excited to see your new GC and us.... but please do not bother for 10 days"""

One of our children, well more a case of his wife did not want people over for 1 or 2 weeks. We told our son, as above how would he feel in our shoes - he was aware of this but felt he was in an award position so he put it to his dear wife and told her "have no one but mum and dad will be coming and you can go to bed before they arrive and come downstairs when they are gone in hour or 2.
Guess what, she started crying when we went over the day they got home as the baby would not let her sleep and we helped them out with sleeping, looking after the baby -- a few months later our daughter-in-law actually said sorry for being immature - she was but a older and a lot wiser and we are proud to have her as a DiL

We are all different ad too often the newer generation of mothers feel they want to be alone for a week or 2. All sensible visitors will understand you are worn out, lack sleep, home may not be as tidy as it us and all are aware you may not have time to make a cup of tea etc - parents are not stupid

NB: The above is not aimed at you but more of a general observation but I do hope you dot hurt your parents feelings as grandchildren really love their grandparents as much and at times more than parents as of the grandparents have more time to offer as often left work and more time to offer re help etc

You choice and good lunch with your new baby and best wishes to all of you

3 days is not unreasonable at all but also don't set anything in stone, you might need longer or feel ready earlier. Also depends how comfortable you would feel with your MIL being around when you're breastfeeding because the early days involve a lot of having your boobs out and you shouldn't have to worry about trying to be discreet! I had my mum around very early on but feel totally comfortable with her being there and she was doing things to help out too.
When you do have visitors though don't feel pressured to get dressed and have the house tidy and make tea etc. Also take yourself off for a lie down if you need to, people need to accept that you've just had a baby and still recovering.

My advice to prospective grandparents is that enthusiasm can be a bit overwhelming to an expectant/new mum.

My MIL wanted to drive us to the hospital when I was in labour - we live 15m from the hospital and she lives 40m from us in good traffic! (history of fast labour in my family, and I gave birth in 90m let alone the stress of having MIL looming over me squeezing). All sorts of overexcited and impractical suggestions we were constantly fending off.

It might get a better response to be a bit less intense, and simply say "I'm so excited but we'll just follow your lead, how would you like the first days to go?".

👏👏👏

I must really be in the minority here, as both sets of grandparents saw my children in hospital on the day they were born. My mum was holding my son as soon as I was wheeled into recovery after an emergency c-section. I wouldn't have dreamed of making them wait even a few days, let alone a week or more. Seeing their faces as they held their grandchild for the first time was a gift I would never have denied.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with and if MIL is disappointed, tough for her. Nobody has any right to ser your baby except you and the baby's other parent.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
For what it's worth, most of my friends and family have taken at least a week before seeing family after the birth of their kids, that first week or so is busy enough without family visiting.

Have a read of the bit that MIL added in the NB about grandchildren loving their grandparents more than their parents at times. Literally the MIL from hell 😓
I'd hazard a guess that the DIL wasn't crying because of tiredness.

Only on MN. I don't know anyone who has had kids IRL who didn't want close family and friends to meet baby for weeks.

Even people I used to know on fb post pics of family and friends visiting in hospital etc.

Re: visits in hospital - I don't know how recently these births have been, but NHS maternity services are so often dire at the moment that dithering around receiving visitors when you're barely receiving care would not help!

For me was only thing that did help. My baby wouldn't be put down! I'd had a failed forceps and c section. I was supposed to be recovering but was instead walking laps of the ward because i couldn't put him down but was so tired i didn't trust myself not to fall asleep with him in bed.

Midwives wouldn't help, there was a brand new batch of student midwives that came in when buzzers went to hand babies or put back in crib, but I almost never saw an actual midwife. Having visitors was the only thing that allowed me to rest. DH could hold baby. If I'd been able to have my parents or PIL come in, they could have held baby while DH helped me shower or get dressed. When the NHS can't staff appropriately to deliver care, its the visitors coming in that give it.

As it was, DH had to wheel baby into bathroom in the crib and hold him while watching me try to shower, putting baby down to help when needed while baby screamed in his crib.

Mother in laws!! Tell her to get in the BIN. I don't know why they have this sense of entitlement about them, as if they are the pack leader or something. She can visit when you're comfortable, the baby isn't going anywhere. Best of luck 😊.

One day the posters on this thread might be MILs and they will be desperate to see their baby's new baby. See how you feel being kept away for 3 weeks. There's no reason why dh can't show his parents the baby while you have a rest.

It's down to you, but I really don't get this, I would want to let my family see the baby.

I would wait and see until the baby is born and see how you feel. You might be in hospital anyway so it won't be an issue.

You might need more time at day 3, you might feel like you want to see people. Some people feel fine after birth, some feel awful.

It always amazes me on these types of posts that so many people assume all new mothers must feel the same.

What about mums with a traumatic birth experience? Or who are worried about attachment and bonding or how older siblings might react.

Ds lost a huge amount of weight after birth and the midwife had to tell us no more visitors which was just a massive relief to me because I didn't want anyone and felt very vulnerable. It massively affected our bf journey and I still believe there's a special place in hell for people who show up unannounced.

New mums should have the right to see how they go and have visits when they feel ready not before. Someone's need to see a cute wee baby doesn't trump the mothers need to heal and recover in private.

You said your MIL was taken aback and upset, not that she didn't respect your decision or argue.

You might find you're desperate for your mum to see your new baby, in which case a quick visit from all grandparents might be fine

Ah here we are. The second rate grandmas can get back in their place.

This is absolute entitled rubbish, can't you remember what it was like to be a new Mum? Especially a first time Mum. If you're breastfeeding, you don't know what you're doing and when the baby will need feeding/ how long for so it's so awkward having people hanging around the house. Just respect their boundaries...the baby isn't going anywhere and they won't remember you from being a newborn. You have the rest of their life to be an amazing Grandparent so give the new parents peace and space to adjust.

Although you've planned a home birth that might not pan out for you. It's fine to set expectations that you might not be up for visitors straight away - probably easier if you just say, we don't know how it will all go so we'll let you know when we're up for a short visit.

It's actually easier to get the first family visits done asap as baby will most likely sleep for the first 48/72 hours and it's generally simpler to have a quick cuppa/ chat. They will have bought presents and want to give them to you. Try not to be too rigid.
You might like them to bring you a meal a couple of nights in for example.

Hope it all goes well for you

What do you think about your mum/family
coming to visit? I think it’s unfair if you’d have your own mum there but not your MIL.

If my little boy has a son, I hope I'm not so dotty as to have forgotten how I felt post birth.

Part of becoming a grandparent is respecting that your DIL has gone through a rough time and might not want you smiling/crying/whatever over her when she's covered in milk letdowns and wants to do skin to skin.

Oh, and for those at the back it's not about whether YOU mind if the house is messy and they're in their PJs, it's if SHE minds if the house is messy and she's in her PJs.

Part of loving any future grandchild will be having respect for it's mum and love for the baby, who won't need me looming over it more than it needs a happy mum.

(For the record, I saw the ILs once a week or more for at least the first eight weeks. FIL was a rude cunt who made me feel absolutely rotten.)