Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

I got quite stressed with people trying to organise visits before the baby was even here too.

Eventually I just said 'I am not sure when the baby will arrive, or how I am going to feel. I will let you know as soon as I can when we will be able to see you'.

Everyone accepted that. And as it happened - I was ok with some short visits the day after I got home from hospital.

It's difficult to commit to anything before you know how it's going to be IMO. Let your DH manage this however, you shouldn't be stressed about it.

Whenever I go and see a new baby I always take food and set my timer so I only stay half and hour. It’s a shame though that mothers in law always seem to get the raw end of any deal.

10000% this!

I’m 33 weeks pregnant now and when people have asked about visiting we have literally just said we have no idea how we’ll be feeling, no idea what birth may end up looking like for us, and no way of knowing whether we’ll be up for visitors straight away or not, so we’ll let them all know at the time! We’ve told everybody the same thing and I think it’s totally fine to see how you feel with no pressure either way.

I have friends who had lovely straight forward labours who were inviting us round literally the day they got back from the hospital and I also have friends who found the whole experience very overwhelming and didn’t want visitors for 2 weeks after birth. I’d never have dreamed of passing any judgement either way, it’s not about them at the end of the day! Just do whatever makes you happy x

Honestly it’s boring the first weeks and months of a new babies life, I couldn’t wait to get people round for my sanity over anything else. The thought of being sat bored out of my brain whilst baby slept all day is not the one.

I had an elective c section so knew the date DD(1) would be here so we arranged for visitors the day after and it was great.

A week is definitely unreasonable but 3 days is less so, but she is right babies change daily at that age and it’s usually the in laws that miss out the most

This is not about your MIL and what she wants. Annoys me when I hear stories like this. Of course as a new mummy and a newborn you will want some time to rest , bond and recover. It takes away your special new baby bonding time. They can have a photos or a video sent to them! Any way they could pop up to the hospital for just 30 mins to see baby there?? But explain that once you go home you'd like time on your own for a little while. Even if you are not comfortable with a hospital visit , try to forget about your MILs response , don't let it ruin your fist days with baby.

Totally agree. A quick visit and over and done with then a longer visit later? I'd be so upset if my DIL didn't allow us even a quick 5 mins. Mind you,this is MN where people need to give written notice before knocking on someone's door!

My relationship with my mil is what I would describe as fine. I was ok with visitors on the day, or soon after. What I wasn’t ok with was having to socialise when I didn’t feel like it. So my husband took the baby out to the visiting area and they all had a cuddle. Grandparents are absolutely, totally batshit about their grandchildren. Of course no one should force you into anything, but there’s no harm in it, if everything has gone smoothly, to let them have a peak on day 2 or 3.

Could you say DH will FaceTime with baby for a few minutes on day one while you have a shower or sleep or eat and then visit from day 4?

This is something I've only seen on MN, everyone in RL has had the grandparents around on day zero or day one depending on the time of the birth.

If you have a bad relationship and you need to protect yourself then that's one thing, but otherwise I'd change your plans for the grandparents at the very least.

Our eldest was born late morning, and our parents came for visiting hours that night. PIL came in first, and the look of delight on MIL's face when I said she could of course pick up the baby is something that will never leave me. I don't know that I've ever seen someone that thrilled. They had a quick cuddle then took DH away to feed him and my parents came in for a longer visit, which was also very special.

Youngest was born during covid so they all came to the house the day after we got home, and again it was wonderful.

These are people who will love your little baby just as much as you, unless they're abusive it could be a wonderful relationship. And down the line they might give you the odd very welcome night off! Start as you mean to go on.

They are big strangers to the baby!!

This is a good way and dh did this.

Nobody has the right to the baby other than mum and dad. Grandparents can wait if that’s what you want. I couldn’t wait to show mine off even after c section but everyone has different views and that’s ok. It’s what you want that’s the point.

also for me my in-laws weren’t that interested as I dared have a girl rather than the boy they ordered me to have!😂twice!

You are perfectly entitled to not have visitors just after having your baby and a week is not unreasonable at all, it’s whatever you feel comfortable with. I also made that decision and our baby didn’t meet both sets of grandparents until she was 6 days old. Nobody seemed to have a problem with it. I’d had a c section and was struggling with breast feeding and baby losing weight (so multiple midwife visits) and the last thing I wanted to think about was visitors! Family of all people should be understanding and respect what you decide. It’s not selfish to want to have that baby bubble for a while! After the first week I spent the next few weeks inundated with visitors/visiting people (didn’t help that it was around Christmas) and honestly I do regret it a bit, it interfered with breast feeding and I wish I’d said no more.

It's entirely up to you. There is no wrong or right answer.

Me personally, went straight to my nans house on the way home from hospital both times to let her meet DC. My mum was with me for the birth and when I got home my dad was there with a brew ready.

Dps mum, dad and sister came the evening both times.

I'd just wait and see. We were out for lunch and shopping in tesco when baby was 3 days old.

I had baby at 4.41am in hospital. My parents came to visit the afternoon when baby was 10 hours old, they just stayed a short time but it was lovely to see them. I wouldn't have minded my in laws coming then either but we aren't particularly close.

Also what kind of visitor would they be? Wanting to sit and hold baby while you run around getting tea etc. that type at least a week. Cooing over the baby you are holding while also making you tea, food and popping on a load of washing? Day 3!

They only want to see the baby. And hey you may want to show it off!

Yes of course this is so. But I was referring to the baby's interpretation of what you are seeing as ok for you, as an adult

Everyone is a stranger to the baby! Not going to let babies dad hold it because he's a stranger? Don't start passing the baby round at supermarket to randos but jesus let the grandparents have a hold.

I had a hospital birth and actually I think it makes it easier - hospital is so busy that PIL popped in to say hi to the baby, wish me well, and then popped off home again. It was only a short visit and I was not the main attraction of course, so I just relaxed while they fussed over the baby and dh took photos. It was rather lovely.

Maybe you could just take your MIL’s feelings into account here if she’s desperate to see the baby and say, maybe dh introduces PIL to the baby while you’re having a nice long bath and a nap or something. The baby will doubtless start screaming for food after not too long, and then dh can use that as the excuse to bring the baby to your bedroom and then he can continue to entertain PIL while you feed the baby. You don’t need to really do anything more than say hi to your PIL when they arrive if you do it this way.

Personally I took the view PIL we’re not really that excited to see me but I could appreciate their incredible excitement to meet a brand new member of the family, and I felt every family member has a little right to hope to meet the new baby whose arrival has been anticipated so much. I can also know my mum’s friends and I can only imagine the disapproval if I’d kept her away in the first few days! I’d never have recovered from it 😆

I couldn’t wait to show my babies off, I had my parents and IL’s to the hospital as soon as allowed after DC were born, it’s so lovely to see babies surrounded by loving relatives. When I got home they would bring me food and hold the baby while DH and I ate or got showers etc. Then we had the Aunts and Uncles who were completely obsessed with them and marvelled over their tiny hands and feet/cute faces/loads of hair etc. Babies are so, so boring, having lots of people around who were happy to chat was great.

I’ve had my moments with MIL but I would never for a second have kept her GC away for days with no need.

But it’s your choice OP and people just need to live with it, if it’s really what you want then stand your ground.

I forwarned all family we wanted a few days after birth to ourselves, I’m not the biggest people person and quite private. Also had a homebirth and felt so amazing after and desperate show our families our new baby and their new family member invited them over same day few hours later! Was really lovely and they were helpful bringing food making snacks handing baby straight over and inbetween passing round to family members passing back to me first!

YANBU unreasonable just to say that’s what you’re thinking and then you can see how you feel and just go from there. Maybe if you word it that way too it’s less about arbitrary days to your mother in law and more about your recovery and feeling, and she should understand.

@Untilitisnt I think the baby will be too busy pooing, feeding and sleeping 😆 they don't tend to mind a cuddle if all their needs are met !

Up to you but can’t you just see how you feel at the time? Depends on how well you’re establishing feeding, what kind of birth you end up having.

I took one of mine to a wedding on day 3 and really enjoyed it. Everyone is different!