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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visits after having a baby

237 replies

KlaudH · 23/02/2024 10:28

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

OP posts:
SecretSquare · 23/02/2024 20:29

Just remember this if you become a grandma and it's decided up front that you're not allowed to see your beloved grandchild for a week

MyInduction · 23/02/2024 20:30

I wanted to see my parents soon after my dd's birth as I'd been through a lot and birth and recovery was not easy. I said no to in laws and Mil kicked up a fuss. In laws visited when baby was a week old.

MyInduction · 23/02/2024 20:32

SecretSquare · 23/02/2024 20:29

Just remember this if you become a grandma and it's decided up front that you're not allowed to see your beloved grandchild for a week

I made the in laws wait a week because birth was not easy for me. It took me months to recover. I didn't mind my own parents seeing me in a mess. Some women are up and going right away but others are damaged for ages.

Tillycx · 23/02/2024 20:32

SpringHexagon · 23/02/2024 20:21

Why though? I gave birth by emergency section at the tail end of covid, and other than my husband I was only allowed 1 other visitor during the time I was in hospital. Why should I not have chosen my own mother? It was me that went through the traumatic birth and I wanted MY mum, not anybody else's. Naturally, that meant she met my daughter before my dad, or my MIL and FIL.

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Well obviously a daughter would be expected to choose her own mum if only allowed one visitor, my DS has children and absolutely would expect her to choose her own mother, no offence taken at all!! However was after lockdown like now so that wasn’t an issue and she welcomed me with open arms. I didn’t stay too long and got dinner for them as most grandmothers would

Houseplanter · 23/02/2024 20:34

MyInduction · 23/02/2024 20:30

I wanted to see my parents soon after my dd's birth as I'd been through a lot and birth and recovery was not easy. I said no to in laws and Mil kicked up a fuss. In laws visited when baby was a week old.

Your poor husband

SecretSquare · 23/02/2024 20:35

@MyInduction but this has been decided up front. My opinion of course, but I do feel like many do this upfront for weird control (and as a PP said, end up feeling like a bit of a tit).

justwantobeamum · 23/02/2024 20:38

I think you should just see how you feel rather than trying to make set rules up now. Mine was born 5pm Monday, mum was in at the hospital for about half an hour by about 7-8pm that night then Tuesday we got out about 2pm and MIL, FIL and my mum came round with supper for us all. You, husband and baby have 24hrs together every day, I thought it was nice having visitors for an hour or so to chat to, help out and coo over baby.

but imagine if you had a c section or awful birth then you might not want to see people and had we been in hospital a few days after a section or something I might not have wanted visitors in that case.

I was a home birth, ended up with a transfer at 9.5cm for severe meconium.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 23/02/2024 20:38

When I had pfb I was in a week as I had an unexplained rash.. Own room no less!! . A constant troop of family visits.. Including dgm with a tin of homemade jam tarts!!
Family only want to see your newborn not a close up of your train crash minge...

Neverpostagain · 23/02/2024 20:38

I doubt very much mil wants to see you. She wants to see the baby. Why can't she do that? Your DH can facilitate it and you can stay upstairs or vice versa.

Millie890 · 23/02/2024 20:42

Neverpostagain · 23/02/2024 20:38

I doubt very much mil wants to see you. She wants to see the baby. Why can't she do that? Your DH can facilitate it and you can stay upstairs or vice versa.

Stupid comment of the day!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/02/2024 20:47

Untilitisnt · 23/02/2024 10:51

Any thought for the baby? It may not want to be picked up by random strangers who are breathing all over it, kisses, etc
It's just been through an incredibly stressful time just being born, even a c-section is stressful

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All 3 of my Gdcs were picked up/cuddled by close family members within hours of being born. None of them ever seemed in the least distressed by it.

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 20:48

I understand the disappointment. I personally found it easier to have DP’s parents round as soon as child was born, they came anyway to give us a lift home and then it was over with for another week to two whilst I was still feeling upbeat after the birth. With DD they brought BIL and SIL (who actually didn’t allow people to even hold their first born for a few weeks). I gave birth at 5 and they were all there for 7 and we had to order takeaway pizza and they stuck around until 10. But then I had time to get bf established etc and they’d had their first visit. My family had to wait a bit as they live 250 miles away. I would want to strike a balance with grandparents and allow a quick half hour visit on day of birth or day after but your choice. I think people often think mothers get too precious over it and it does cause upset. But do what’s right for you. But let your DP have a say too

movedtothecountry · 23/02/2024 20:56

MyInduction · 23/02/2024 20:30

I wanted to see my parents soon after my dd's birth as I'd been through a lot and birth and recovery was not easy. I said no to in laws and Mil kicked up a fuss. In laws visited when baby was a week old.

So selfish. Also I bet you want your in laws to babysit now!

Olika · 23/02/2024 20:57

Personally I didn't want any visitors during the first week as I was recovering and getting my head around of everything, and anyway HV was over every few days. I didn't also care if someone was upset about it.
Do whatever you fe is best for you and the baby. Just make sure your DH in on the same page.

WannabeMum22 · 23/02/2024 20:57

Tillycx · 23/02/2024 20:27

Can’t agree more, I do feel sorry for the dh as this attitude would rather set the tone if this had been my DIL. It’s one thing holding off extended family and friends for a couple of weeks and not agreeing to prolonged visits, people coming to stay etc for several weeks but this is your closest family. I’d be devastated if my daughter told me I couldn’t see her or baby for a week after she’d just given birth (she’s already told me she would like me there for the birth if she has children) I had my mum with me, having been through it I can’t imagine having wanted her to stay away. It is up to the OP but as long as doesn’t go complaining about everyone not fawning enough over her and baby later on, is quite sad

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why would you be devestated to wait seven days? what exactly would you be sad about other than a hit to your ego? can you explain logically the reason why you would be devestated?

WannabeMum22 · 23/02/2024 20:59

Neverpostagain · 23/02/2024 20:38

I doubt very much mil wants to see you. She wants to see the baby. Why can't she do that? Your DH can facilitate it and you can stay upstairs or vice versa.

that's exactly why people don't want their MIL's round. who wants someone who just wants to push them out of the way and grab their brand new baby whilst they are trying to recover from giving birth? certainly not me.

Tillycx · 23/02/2024 20:59

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 20:48

I understand the disappointment. I personally found it easier to have DP’s parents round as soon as child was born, they came anyway to give us a lift home and then it was over with for another week to two whilst I was still feeling upbeat after the birth. With DD they brought BIL and SIL (who actually didn’t allow people to even hold their first born for a few weeks). I gave birth at 5 and they were all there for 7 and we had to order takeaway pizza and they stuck around until 10. But then I had time to get bf established etc and they’d had their first visit. My family had to wait a bit as they live 250 miles away. I would want to strike a balance with grandparents and allow a quick half hour visit on day of birth or day after but your choice. I think people often think mothers get too precious over it and it does cause upset. But do what’s right for you. But let your DP have a say too

Agree with this, a half hour visit by GP the day after the birth (or evening if an early morning birth) quite normal and appropriate. A visit within 2 hours of giving birth by other family who then stay for hours is totally unreasonable and would say absolutely do not accept this. I do wonder if wise advice to have some reasonable boundaries has been misunderstood and totally blown out of proportion by OP

Grammarmum · 23/02/2024 21:02

WannabeMum22 · 23/02/2024 20:59

that's exactly why people don't want their MIL's round. who wants someone who just wants to push them out of the way and grab their brand new baby whilst they are trying to recover from giving birth? certainly not me.

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@WannabeMum22 ,why are you using such emotive language? Since when did anyone push a new mother out of the way and grab their baby ?

Houseplanter · 23/02/2024 21:02

@WannabeMum22 you seem to be struggling with the idea that a son's child mean as much to a grandparent as a daughter child. To see your son become a parent and want to meet their newborn is no different to seeing your daughter be a mother.

My sons children mean the world to me

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 21:03

movedtothecountry · 23/02/2024 20:56

So selfish. Also I bet you want your in laws to babysit now!

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Always make me think how the DP’s in this situation feel. No doubt forced to go along with it. It’s horrible how MIL’s are viewed on MN. Mine was far from perfect and many would be horrified if I shared some of that less than perfect on here but she deserved to meet her grandchildren and I’d have never said my parents not yours.

Tillycx · 23/02/2024 21:07

WannabeMum22 · 23/02/2024 20:57

why would you be devestated to wait seven days? what exactly would you be sad about other than a hit to your ego? can you explain logically the reason why you would be devestated?

Show quote history

Perhaps if someone has a very distant relationship with their DD they wouldn’t see this as an issue?? I felt awfully sorry for my DIL and her mother when they couldn’t see each other after the birth of her first child in lockdown as that’s the normal relationship most mother’s and daughter’s have. Even as an adult if my DD was sick in hospital I would want to be with her asap and she would no doubt want me there too, same with my mum if it were me. Can understand you don’t necessarily want mother coming to stay and being there all the time as you want alone time with baby plus time with just you and your husband and your new baby, however rejecting even a short visit from your own mother (if you normally get on well) seems quite sad and sad for DH too that he’s not allowed to include his parents

Millie890 · 23/02/2024 21:07

Zanatdy · 23/02/2024 21:03

Always make me think how the DP’s in this situation feel. No doubt forced to go along with it. It’s horrible how MIL’s are viewed on MN. Mine was far from perfect and many would be horrified if I shared some of that less than perfect on here but she deserved to meet her grandchildren and I’d have never said my parents not yours.

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The Mum's the one giving birth and she's the one recovering so it's absolutely her choice who does and does not come into her space. Shouldn't be up for discussion!

Ruffpuff · 23/02/2024 21:08

@KlaudH I felt this way after reading through Mumsnet while pregnant.

In the end we had family come to visit at the hospital and I was really glad they did. I was so happy and hormonal, I really wanted to ‘show off’ my new baby and I was glad to see familiar faces after a difficult birth.

Don’t assume you won’t want to see anyone because of Mumsnet.

Broodywuz · 23/02/2024 21:08

I think it's absolutely up to you and I really do understand the wanting some time just the 3 of you but i personally think mums (yours and DH's) don't really count as visitors. I couldn't wait for my mum to meet my babies and both my mum and mil were a godsend in the days after birth, nipping to the shop to pick up things, they brought food and helped out while I sat on the sofa breastfeeding. I guess it depends on your relationship with your mum and mil but don't shut them out. When you have your baby and imagine him/her having their own babies, you would want to be involved too, I don't think your mil is being mean or intentionally upsetting you

pinkunicorns54 · 23/02/2024 21:09

I would see how you feel. All my hormones were crazy and I just wanted to show off this gorgeous new bundle I had created as soon as I could!

But that was DC2, DC1 we went into lockdown the day they were born... so that might have impacted that!

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