Visits after having a baby

[KlaudH]

Hi all! I’m new here, but I read some threads on Mumsnet over the last number of months. I just want some advice as I’m 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby and I’m thinking about visitors post birth. I said it to my husband probably around 2 months ago that I’d like 5-7 days with no visitors after birth. I could tell he didn’t really understand it, but he agreed. I also said it to my mum in law at my baby shower earlier this month that we would like a few days after the birth just for the three of us. She looked a little taken aback, but agreed.
This week, however, I heard that my MIL was really upset that she might not be able to see her grandson for around a week after he’s born and asked my husband if she can see him the day after he’s born or even the second or third day for half an hour as she wants to see the baby soon after he’s born, because newborns change a lot in the first few days and when she gave birth to her children her mum saw her babies nearly straightaway. My husband would be willing for her and his dad and brother to come as soon as possible after birth, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I will be having a home birth and I’ve never given birth before so I don’t know what it’s going to be like and how I’m going to be feeling afterwards. I don’t want to have any visits looming over me right after I give birth (also, it’s going to be in my home). I would like to have a few days to bond with my baby and husband and recover a bit after birth without feeling a need to be physically or emotionally ready/presentable to have guests, (and I don’t know if they would actually stay for half an hour)…
I think it’s worth mentioning as well that I spoke to my mum about this and although she would love to see the baby as soon as possible she respects that I don’t want visitors for a few days. I actually ended up reducing the time to 3 days, but I hope to keep it that way. My husband is going to talk to his mum and hopefully she will be fine with the 3 days as I don’t want our relationship to be strained (I have been getting along well with her so far) as I can tell she’s annoyed with me.. She knows it’s me who wants the few days and not my husband.. I can already see that when the baby’s arrival is close the mother’s comfort and preferences go out the window.. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long! AIBU?

Ah, so this is very difficult. I have an eight month old, and I wish I'd set slightly stronger boundaries with my mum in law about coming post birth. I had a VERY traumatic birth and was in so much pain.

The day after my little girl was born, my MIL jumped on a train all the way up the country to see her. We were still in hospital, I couldn't walk without literally shrieking in pain, was dosed up on every painkiller under the sun, hadn't been able to successfully breastfeed - you get the picture. She actually wanted to jump the gun and beat my parents to the ward (not out of malice, just because of the train timetables) and I had to send her a text to say the reason my parents needed to come first was nothing to do with a grandparent pecking order: I was traumatised and needed a cuddle with my own mum in her role as mum, not new grandmother. I would have preferred my MIL to wait an extra day and wish my husband had gently communicated that to her at the time.

That being said: my MIL is a wonderful woman, she brought all my favourite snacks to the ward, only stayed half an hour or so when she did arrive and it was clear it was just because she was desperate to meet her new granddaughter. I think she would have been a little bit heartbroken to be told she had to wait a full week. My DD has brought so much joy to our family and personally, I couldn't imagine keeping them away that long. What about a halfway point of three or four days, assuming you have a normal delivery and can go home quickly?

BUT it's absolutely your body, your baby and your choice!

It does sound difficult if they would see it as rude for you not to be sitting chatting to them in lounge the whole time. When I had a home birth, I had a close friend and some family pop up to see us both briefly in bed a few hours after the birth. No holding of baby at this point. Then a couple of days later in laws came over and by then I was up to sitting in the sofa for a couple of hours with baby but they would of been fine if I wanted to go to up to bed (and would of course taken baby with me) and DH would of continued to chat and entertain as they had travelled a way. I suppose can say you possibly won’t mind very brief visit initially if feeling up to it (but likely to be in bed) but perhaps maybe be nicer for them if wait the 3 days as you’ll more likely be up for a slighter longer visit, think that is quite reasonable

Each to their own I suppose, but I had family come to the hospital to meet DD, and then a stream of visitors at home afterwards. I loved showing her off and it didn't detract from me bonding with her. I can't imagine restricting other loved ones from meeting their grandkid/niece/nephew/cousin

I always feel for the dads in this situation-it’s his baby too and he will be excited to have his parents see him or her straight away. I have had 2 babies (DD was C section, my dad and step mum were waiting outside the surgery door to meet her and make sure I was ok!) and DS was Vbac in hospital- only stayed one night but still had closest family visit us there! No one will be expecting a presentable house or mummy, you might actually find they’ll be helpful, if only it’s to make you a cuppa, order in a takeaway or fold a bit of laundry? Try not to worry or plan too much because you might feel totally different, definitely wouldn’t make it something to fall out or upset yourself with. The first 3/4 weeks will be a blur anyway 😅 Congrats and all the best 💕

Thank you! This internalised misogyny is absolutely off the charts and people can’t even recognise it.

My language was wrong but I’d feel the same way if it was coming from the dad, i hold men to the same account and call my partner a princess when he is being quite demanding, in my experience men do seem to be more laid back with situations and prob why woman end up being called a princess which I admit is wrong. For an example some brides can have crazy demands that men seem to not bother with. Obviously there will be exceptions. If I wasn’t very close to my family I probably wouldn’t want them to visit either but given that I am and the support they gave me through my pregnancy and beyond it would be strange for me to ask them to stay away. My mum visiting me was a positive thing not something I’d need to prioritise not having but we are all different. I have experience of a really awkward/ narcissistic female in my partners family that tried to control all situations and it always felt off, she would say no visitors after birth then cry that no one had visited, she has definitely clouded my judgement with certain situations

Is it misogynistic if I hold men to the same standards/account?

How can you hold men to the same standards when they don’t give birth? That’s a ridiculous assertion.

I mean with everything that would be described as princess behaviour, I didn’t say the op was or any other woman just that in my family and my partners that’s what it would be perceived as. I admit my word choice is poor

My mum and mother in law and other immediate family came to the hospital to visit which was lovely but I stayed in 3 days. Ultimately it’s your choice. Personally I loved visitors .

" I have experience of a really awkward/ narcissistic female in my partners family that tried to control all situations and it always felt off, she would say no visitors after birth then cry that no one had visited, she has definitely clouded my judgement with certain situations"

Obviously I have no idea of the ins and outs here, but we all know the hormones are crazy after birth. I remember crying because my sock drawer was too full of socks and was difficult to open one of the days after having ds. There's not always logic to it. Then you add on top of that ppd and ppa and you can have a new mother who is to other people a little unpredictable and can seem unfair.

I would say that if you're calling people a princess then that in itself is misogynistic because Princess is inherently female and the connotation is childlike. To me it's similar to telling people in sport "you hit like a girl" it's misogynistic by its implication that being a female is negative. The implication is that being a princess (not a prince) is negative. Its a really disrespectful way to speak to someone tbh, if dh called me a princess we'd be in trouble and it's not a term I'd ever apply to him.

I would also say you need to consider why you feel the need to tell anyone who is voicing a need that they are a princess. Especially someone who's just gone through hours of labour, possibly a major operation and is very much in the immediate aftermath of that with all that comes with it. People are allowed to have boundaries and needs. It's normal and healthy to express those. It's paramount to good mental health.

Even in your other examples of a bride making crazy demands. How often do you see men stepping back from their own wedding and it all falling on the brides shoulders to plan and arrange? Its a massive undertaking planning a wedding is it any wonder some women react to the stress of that? Especially if as you say they have a 'laid back' other half which to me reads as lazy and unsupportive. Because if you're laid back while your partner is folding under pressure and acting 'crazy' then you should be stepping up and helping more. And instead of calling men out on that, we label women the brideszilla. Its internal misogyny and again its so common place we don't really think about it.

I take on everything and agree with what you’re saying. I really am a feminist and have been angered by gender inequality since I was a child. I didn’t call op a princess, I meant what it would have been taken as in my family. The female family member was probably hormonal but she is a toxic narcissist who is abusive to her partner and tbh if genders were reversed she wouldn’t have got away with what she has done to her husband. I do really take on board what you mean with everything falling on woman’s shoulders as it happened to me too however I do also think biologically is responsible for a lot too and men to tend to be laid back and can be overridden in decision making with situations as they’re not as fussed about details. I do also know there is totally lazy men who allow woman to take on the mental load of all decisions