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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him he can't buy it?

161 replies

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 08:40

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 23/02/2024 08:54

YANBU. He's a cocklodger, point out to him that you're subsidising his PT work and if he doesn't buck his ideas up, get rid.

I'm assuming that he's not doing a vast share of the household chores to compensate but I know you're going to say he sits gaming at home while you work, right? Hence the new PC?

Fidgety31 · 23/02/2024 08:55

You can’t tell another adult what they can spend their money on - he isn’t your child .

However you can end the relationship as he isn’t pulling his weight financially and is taking the piss.

IncognitoUsername · 23/02/2024 08:56

What does he bring to the party as well as the money? My DH earns way more than me but I do the lion’s share of the household stuff (he works longer hours than me) and did more of the childcare when DS was younger.
Would he be able to afford the new PC (and rent etc) if he was single?

ifonly4 · 23/02/2024 08:57

Yes, cocklodger comes to mind as well. Longterm, he either goes without and gives pays more money towards the bills or gets another job.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 23/02/2024 09:00

Aye, cocklodger.

@peachpearplums does he do most of the housework and cooking given his hours? Didn’t think so…

Original poster
peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 09:06

I'm the cook and he's the pot washer. I clean the bathroom, he does all the laundry. We muddle along, and it's fairly evenly split, so not really much of an issue.

But yes, he is a gamer.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 23/02/2024 09:08

Does gaming mean he works less?

CommentNow · 23/02/2024 09:10

He doesnt want to work and os happy for you to cover his bills while he buys toys.

I had a boyfriend like this in my early twenties and I thank God every day that we split up. It was exhausting. The truth is that he isnt ready for an adult relationship. That's fine, it's where hes at.

The question is how many fertile years will you waste on this man and how far down the rabbit hole do you want to go hoping things will get better? Marry him? Have kids and nit be able to afford maternity?

I would split up and find someone more on your own page.

CommentNow · 23/02/2024 09:12

Your logic is fine. Of course he should prioritise his fair share.

But you cant reason with someone who wants an easy life and thinks you should slog out a full time job and pay his bills for him.

Sparklfairy · 23/02/2024 09:16

Out of interest, how 'cheaply' are we talking? Because although it can be 'cheaper' it can still get pricey to build a gaming computer...

He is taking the piss and luckily you can see right through him. He can't simultaneously claim he 'can't afford' to put more money in for bills, and somehow 'afford' to build a new computer that he doesn't even need...

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/02/2024 09:16

As a PP has said, you can’t tell him what he can spend his money on. However, I would seriously be rethinking the relationship based on his lazy attitude to work meaning you have to bail him out. Either he pays his fair share or get rid!

Mrsttcno1 · 23/02/2024 09:17

How did you calculate who is paying what amount into the joint account?

The fairest ways to do it (if you don’t have joint finances) is either:

A) you both contribute the same % into the joint account, so say you both put 60% of your wages into the joint account. Yes your 60% will be more money than his 60%, but you are both left with 40% of your wages to spend as you wish. If you are doing this method then you are unreasonable to ask him to put more in because you both have the same % of money to spend as “fun money”.

B) you work out what the joint bills are, add both of your salaries together and deduct the bill amount, then split what is left in half. This way yes you’ll be contributing more to the joint account but you are both left with the same amount of “fun money”, so again, you can’t complain about what he chooses to spend his on.

You need to work out exactly what each person is earning and exactly what portion of the bills is “fair” to leave you both with the same or similar amount of fun money.

LittleOwl153 · 23/02/2024 09:17

Unless he has health issues or small children to care for,I would tell him as from April he needs to be upping his contribution to household costs. I would base that increase on him increasing his hours to full time. If he chooses not to that is his issue not yours to subsidise. After that I'd be looking at buying him out of the house/selling and calling it quits. Why would you support someone to sit around all day gaming because the choose to whilst you work your ass off to cover the bills.

SpeedyDrama · 23/02/2024 09:22

His hobby isn’t an issue as long as it’s not affecting pulling weight and being a good partner. How he spends his money is not an issue as long as it doesn’t affect paying the essentials. Obviously the latter is a problem. He is an adult and paying bills is the priority. Instead of saying no, would it be possible to sit down and go through both your in/out goings, maybe it would show him that he’s getting a bit of a free ride?

Olika · 23/02/2024 09:30

I would ask him how he is planning on paying his share of monthly expenses as you cannot afford paying more on his behalf.

Blobblobblob · 23/02/2024 09:35

He can't afford to work part time. You're paying him to sit on his arse gaming.

He should be paying 50%, I don't agree that his percentage should be reduced just because he chooses to earn less.

GrumpyPanda · 23/02/2024 09:43

Mrsttcno1 · 23/02/2024 09:17

How did you calculate who is paying what amount into the joint account?

The fairest ways to do it (if you don’t have joint finances) is either:

A) you both contribute the same % into the joint account, so say you both put 60% of your wages into the joint account. Yes your 60% will be more money than his 60%, but you are both left with 40% of your wages to spend as you wish. If you are doing this method then you are unreasonable to ask him to put more in because you both have the same % of money to spend as “fun money”.

B) you work out what the joint bills are, add both of your salaries together and deduct the bill amount, then split what is left in half. This way yes you’ll be contributing more to the joint account but you are both left with the same amount of “fun money”, so again, you can’t complain about what he chooses to spend his on.

You need to work out exactly what each person is earning and exactly what portion of the bills is “fair” to leave you both with the same or similar amount of fun money.

That's all very well, but given the specifics OP has outlined either calculation should be based on the full-time equivalent of each partner's income. OP has no moral obligation to subsidize her "D"P sitting on his ass gaming.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/02/2024 09:56

GrumpyPanda · 23/02/2024 09:43

That's all very well, but given the specifics OP has outlined either calculation should be based on the full-time equivalent of each partner's income. OP has no moral obligation to subsidize her "D"P sitting on his ass gaming.

Show quote history

Well, no. It should be calculated each month based on the actual wages that each person has earned that month because that is the ACTUAL money available. It’s absolutely pointless calculating it based on what could be. BUT if there isn’t enough money coming into the household then they as a couple need to be having a serious conversation about him increasing his hours.

Nicole1111 · 23/02/2024 10:52

Do you have a joint account so you can see exactly what he gets paid and whether he truly is as stretched as you are financially.

Original poster
peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:31

No, we each get paid into our personal accounts then transfer money. That in itself is an issue- I get paid at the end of each month, he gets paid at any point after a piece of work is done. So sometimes he can't put his amount into the joint account on time for the mortgage to go out, so I have to top it up then too. He doesn't save, so there's no contingency.

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 23/02/2024 11:36

YANBU to switch things up. Are you really willing to subsidise this man for the rest of your lives? It sounds like there's a huge lack of transparency as well around what he earns. Do you know how much "spare" money he has in comparison to you?

I (very heavily) subsided my ex and it ended up feeling like I was living with my overgrown teenage son. Not to mention the resentment when he went down the pub yet again and I couldn't afford the odd new pair of jeans or whatever.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 23/02/2024 11:41

Cocklodger.
CF to boot.

I would be reconsidering my future with him.

Original poster
peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:41

@Workawayxx , you're right about the resentment. It has been slowly creeping in. I get that, as a higher earner anyway, it's only fair for me to pay more. But his contribution only cover half the mortgage, let alone the food bill, council tax, gas, electric and water etc.

He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.

His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns.

OP posts:
greasypolemonkeyman · 23/02/2024 11:50

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:31

No, we each get paid into our personal accounts then transfer money. That in itself is an issue- I get paid at the end of each month, he gets paid at any point after a piece of work is done. So sometimes he can't put his amount into the joint account on time for the mortgage to go out, so I have to top it up then too. He doesn't save, so there's no contingency.

He doesn't save. How did you assured to buy the house? Where did the deposit come from? When you bought the house how did you register ownership? Did you ring fence YOUR deposit?

egowise · 23/02/2024 11:57

Leave him, sell the house or buy him out.

He's taking the piss.