To have told him he can't buy it?

[peachpearplums]

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

If you want to have children, no assumption and certainly pressure, but it make a massive difference to your life if you have children with someone who pulls their weight and willing to share the responsibility and work of children. Women can end up having miserable lives looking after everyone else in the family with no one looking after them (unless you have nice parents who are local who can help?)

Even if you don't want children long term he sounds like a drain, and you are basically paying for him to game whine you go to work. You may not mind doing that, but it sounds like you do.

He's not going to change his lifestyle (who could blame him) unless you confront the situation, he might not be worth the bother - but only you will know that.

You're treating him like a teenager. He's treating you like his mum.

Why are you subsidising someone who could earn more but chooses not to?

I'd buy him out, quite honestly. Let him spend that money on a nice big screen or whatever it is he wants.

Pisstaker alert. If I was living with him he wouldn't be getting a new computer either.

Cocklodger. How do you let him get away with all this? How do you find him attractive at all?! In the bin with him!

You're with this prince of a man why?

I know of two women who have gamer husband's. One has his PC connected to a huge TV in the sitting room (yes, so that's two TVs), complete with mini fridge. The other has to change the days she has to come into the office every few weeks to escape him at home (shift work) as he is in the office where she's trying to work, on his PC playing games.

I find both horrendously unattractive. BIN.

What if he told you that you cant buy something with your own money.
There would be a whole lot of different replies.
If its his money than thats no yours.

@peachpearplums its not cheap if you want high end parts for a pc, personally i prefer console due to the ££ for pc parts,

But he's telling her he can't contribute any more than the meagre amount he currently is, yet he can afford to upgrade his computer even though his current one is fine for what he requires it for? You wouldn't be pissed off if that was you/can't see that that's inherently unfair? Right.

The only fair thing to do is have agreed money into the joint pot, including joint emergency rainy day fund, and then each person has their own fun money pot. Fun money needs to be saved up for things that aren't needed like new computer parts.

I really don't understand why so many women are prepared to put up with a man "choosing" to not work/not work full time, and allowing her to subsidise his laziness. It would be different if you had kids and had jointly decided he'd be the SAHP, or if he had a medical condition that reduced his work hours.

This one sounds as though he's a lazy, gaming cocklodger. Have some self respect OP. Tell him to up his hours and contribute more, or it's over.

He's taking the mickey and you're letting him. He needs to match your hours in work, even though it is a salary mismatch. It is unacceptable for him to not put the same hours in as you, and he knows it. Maybe he can't believe he's getting away with being a leech on you. Maybe he has no work ethic. You need to have an honest discussion with him, warning him that it's upcoming so he's not blindsided. Explain what is your bottom line, what you are contributing and what you need him to contribute. If he is unwilling to change then you have to part ways, he's no long term prospect.

I would sit down and look at finances together (prompted by bills increasing to avoid arguments)

The fairest way is percentage based so -

Write down all joint outgoings
Write down each income
Minus any personal expenses from each income
Add the two incomes (less personal expenses) together and minus the outgoings from the total
Divide the remaining figure by two
That's what each of you should have left over after you have paid your bills

Then if he wants to spend his on a computer he can at least he will be paying fairly.

You can also decide if you want to save jointly or separately.

Whatever you do, do not have children with this man. He will let you down.

He will never step up. The only time I'd expect one partner to not pay their fair share of the bills is when a child is born, in which case the partner steps up while the mother works less (or not at all).

This
why are you subsidising this man child? It would be over for me as I wouldn't feel attracted to him anymore

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life,

Are you paying a greater share of the mortgage and in effect buying equity in your house for him? While he sits on his arse gaming?

If he had equal earning potential I would put a stop to that.

I wonder if you can seek legal advice as to whether you can adjust the Deed that says how much if the house you each own?

Otherwise you are literally paying for him to own a big chunk of your house that he hasn’t paid for.

Telling him not to buy the computer doesn’t get to the root of the problem.

Option b doesn't work out fairly. OP could earn a lot more and if you shared remainder after bills, some of her money could end up in his fun pot. She shouldn't be at all disadvantaged. She already earns the bread and does her fair share of house work.

Man child needs to up his hours if he wants better toys.

Option B is not at all fair.
If OP earns 2000 and DP earns 1000 and they add it together to create 3000. If bills are 1500, and they split the remainder. DP would ens up with 750 fun money. So will have paid a substantial amount less in bills.

OP don't let this man take you for granted. He needs to grow up.

It's not his money though is it?
OP would essentially be paying for it because she's covering the shortfall he's created.
He says he can't afford the contribution he should rightly be expected to make, while at the same time wanting to spend on his hobby. That shortfall still has to be met, and so it's falling on the OP, meaning she is spending HER money when she shouldn't have to.
If it was the other way round, my opinion would still be exactly the same. Any person who chooses to work less, forcing the other person to pay for their slacking should be binned off.

Ugh, i‘d be so annoyed. DH and i used to have seperate accounts before we got married and each contributed the same amount to household bills and rent despite earning very different amounts. We simply lived in a small rental flat that both of us could afford.
He should pay half of the bill and a certain amount of rent and you should pay the mortgage and be the owner of the housw/flat or downsize to something both of you can afford.

MN: C*nt is so offensive, it reduces us to a part of anatomy.
Also MN: Cocklodger Cocklodger Cocklodger.

Baffling logic.

OP YANBU

Cunt is used over and over again on mns. Where have people said it is so offensive it reduces women to
a body part?

The fairest way is percentage based so
the fairest way isnt percentage based when one person is choosing not to work because they dont want to.

Well if it is a women choosing not too then it is different it seems

I have a friend who's partner gave up work suddenly 20 odd years ago. He's not addressed any of the issues, so remains not working. Somehow they got married a few years ago, she's now doing all the employed work, he seems not to be even doing stuff at home and if she divorces him, he's entitled to her pension.

I'm always careful to comment on these types of threads as I "sat on my arse" at home for a long time but in reality, I did a lot of things that have benefitted us as a couple over the long term (set up a business & looked after my MH, which that means I'm much healthier than if I worked FT) but it's really all about intent. DH then got to retire earlier due to the business, so his MH has also benefitted.

If he wants to game and not have savings and pensions, it's not good in the long term.