To have told him he can't buy it?

[peachpearplums]

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

Good luck. Maybe worth prompting him on Monday to get all the information ready, including bank statements, payslips, business accounts (if self employed) etc, else I can see him stalling on Tuesday.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Also, this is a really good article thats worth reading in preparation. It includes a spreadsheet to fill in that lists all incomings and outgoings, which could be a good basis for your discussion.

This is a great idea!

And when you realise that yes you did have to do this, you also realise he is a child and you shouldnt have to parent an equal adult in the house.

Nd when he still doesnt do it you can know without a doubt he is taking you for a mug.

That is a good idea.

Good luck OP: I would also model what your finances would look like if you reduced your working hours to the hours he works, and another calculation as to what would happen if you reduced your level of income to what he puts into the joint account.

Because my guess is you wouldn't be able to live at all.

It’s so hard but I think you need a conversation. He needs to say how much he earns and work more if needs be. Currently he’s mooching off you. Sometimes it’s wilful nativity. I live with my partner a couple of days a week. Stuff arrives in my shopping basket and when I tell him what he owes me, he’s all ‘that much’. I’m afraid the only way forward is hard maths and a harder conversation. Gaming sucks up time and money.

That means all the dreadful rising costs of living are being borne by you. Time for him to man up and tip us !

If he pays half the mortgage he gets half the house if you split up ! He should contribute more to the bills then you can have a contingency fund if you do break up!

This thread is super interesting. Me and DH are paid separately and then transfer into the pot. Both FT with 2 young kids. I earn a lot more than him (he’s also self employed) so I pay two thirds, him a third. 50:50 doesn’t work because he just doesn’t have it. However, I def don’t sub his hobbies, he saves for those. It’s shit but it’s reality. Don’t get me started on the chores though :-(

Sounds very like my ex-husband. Get rid before he screws you out of more money.

Do update OP. He's going part-time off your back now. That can't continue.

Maybe Tuesday will be the kick up the bum he needs to work a bit harder to afford his hobbies, not mooch off you.

Sounds like you have yourself a cocklodger OP. I had one for a while. Please get rid, or tell him to work full time or feck off.

Good on you

I assume you have DC together which is why he is working PT so can do drop offs and drive them to activities, but you haven't mentioned DC so I'm not sure

It's not about percentages of salary - he needs to work full time, lazy pig!

Part time hours are for parents of young DC or older people winding down towards retirement. Or occasionally for people with other projects etc trying to find a work life balance. It totally is not for lazy gaming blokes to sit on their bums and be supported by someone else!

Yes - if he did all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, gardening etc etc and therefore made it worth you effectively 'paying' him for his contribution to the house (as often happens with SAHPs) then it all might be fair enough. But that's not what I'm getting from your posts.

Kick him out, or at least into full time hours.

A decent gaming PC put together at home is a couple of grand - he's definitely a cocklodger!!!!

Did you have a talk @peachpearplums ?

Are you feeling more confident about getting things back on track?

@peachpearplums any update?

Hi everyone. The shit properly hit the fan and he's admitted to being up to his eyeballs in credit card debt. We've split up and will be selling the house so he can clear his debts and I can buy elsewhere on my own.

Thanks for the wake up call from all of you. Really appreciate all your honesty and care.

So sorry to hear that, hope you’re OK

I'm so sorry but it sounds like you did the right thing by confronting him. What has he been spending his money on?

Sorry to hear you’ve got to navigate that but it sounds like your gut knew something wasn’t right and it’s a blessing it’s all come to light as quickly as it did.

I am so sorry that he violated your trust.

Good on you, though, for not putting up with his "issues" any longer. You deserve much, much better.

I'm sorry you've been placed in this position. It's the right thing to do but what a horrible way to find out. Just checking you said 'he will be selling the house". If it is his house and you've been paying the mortgage please make sure you recoup your input. If you are joint owners this will be much easier.. Best of luck.