To have told him he can't buy it?

[peachpearplums]

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

Does he intend to remain PT?

How does he plan his retirement?

If he has MH issues, is he happy to address them?

A bit of reverse engineering is a good way to get perspective.

Congratulations on being mum to a grown arse man. Behaviour is a language a d he’s clearly telling you that you that he doesn’t feel financially responsible because the buck stops with you.

The balls in your court, stop subsidising him! He contribution should be prportanal and if he wants a new PC, he can save for one.

Start as you mean to go on, if you don’t want to be his mum, don’t act like it.

You are sharing a life together. Finances should be more evenly spread. You said that you have a joint mortgage but you are paying the most into it. Please be aware that if something happens and you have to sell, he is entitled to 50% of any profit. Consider that too. Your future together doesn't seem healthy at this point. It could also be construed as financial abuse.

Sorry I've only read OPs posts and not full thread so may have been suggested many times.

If there are no medical issues to his part time work, and he's not substantively pulling his weight by picking up all the household stuff (which it seems he's not from your posts) then I'd be tempted to split bills in line with his full time salary versus your full time salary.

So let's say you earn 2000 by working full time, and over the last 12 months he's averaged 1000 a month for the equivalent of 50% FTE then you should both contribute as if you were earning 2000 as he is ACTIVELY CHOOSING to reduce his income, that doesn't mean you should have to subsidies him. If he can't afford to be part time then he shouldn't be!

“He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.”

Ah. Got yourself a cocklodger there.

Really? Please do show us a thread where a woman is simply choosing not to work, has no kids, only does at best 50% of the housework and is told by posters here that she should not pay bills that month but treat herself to a computer and her partner can cover her share of the bills. I can’t wait to see.

Perhaps you should base his contribution on what he was earning full time. That way he makes a choice as to whether he wants time off, or wants extra money for toys. But either way you are basing your contributions on an eaqual footing. Im sure youd love to be working part time too

Definitely YANBU
Taking the piss. End of
My ex DH would buy stuff HE wanted leaving me to pick up the slack and make sure bills were paid and kids had school shoes etc
Man child. Yours sounds the same.
When we separated he waltzed off with his expensive items. I had nothing.
Sort it out immediately or he will carry on.
It also shows a lack of respect.

Work out a spreadsheet of the last 12 months paid by each if you.
Lay it down in front of him.
Tell him going forward it is being done on a fairer amount.
Right now he owes the account x amount.
Once he is equal with you on payments he can do as he pleases.
That one big job should sort it all out.

Why WHY why are you putting up with this?

How do you see your future?

This

close the joint account now , you are not his
mother !
cock lodger
close the account please

The variety known as Creeping Cocklodger.

The first reply has it!

@TwylaSands true I was more thinking fairest for the op to make sure she's not overpaying (as it seems she currently is) but yes a second conversation needs to be had about contributions to the household

@peachpearplums How are things? Have you made any decesions about what’s going to happen going forward, or gave you spoken to dp yet? If you’ve said that things have to change c, how has he reacted? Angry? Promised improvements etc? (If so, watch to see if his actions match his words)

This is why all adults should pay the same. Prevents resentment and means people don't feel guilty about spending their own money.

Lots of couples make the decision for one of them, usually the woman, to reduce their work hours, and also reducing pension contributions and chance of promotion, to care for young children or elderly parents so to reduce care costs. Those women are also often posting on mumsnet drained because their dp stops doing anything in the home. And is out cycling at the weekend…

here we have a man choosing not to work as much because he likes video games. He isnt doing more housework, he isnt doing any child or elder care, and he isnt lowering his expectations on what he can buy.

how is that the same?

or please talk about all the specific threads of women who refuse to work because they like gaming.

I see he works FT when he had to support himself but now he's got you to pay his way he's a lazy arse.
I'd be having a serious talk about money and if he doesn't step up, he can move out.

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. It’s been interesting to read. I think I’ve read so many posts on here about unequal money and fairness, but forgot that it’s usually linked to childcare.

I told him today that we need to go over our finances because we’ve not made any changes since pre-covid and so much has gone up in price. He seemed to get a bit shifty and agreed but quickly changed the subject. I didn’t budge though, so we have put aside Tuesday night when I have an earlier finish time at work to go through. I’ve told him we’ll need to look at money coming in from both of us over 2023 so to get his bank/payslips ready. Let’s see what happens…

Good luck OP.

This sounds sensible

Well done OP.

Please come back and update us with what happens! I hope he’s reasonable.

Good luck, stand your ground and know your worth. You are not his parent.

fabulous. I suggest you look at hours worked too, not just money coming in. Its important to acknowledge his free time at your expense