To have told him he can't buy it?

[peachpearplums]

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

I'm so sorry he's done this. He'll have to work off his debts by working more lazy bugger.

You are doing the right thing to disengage.

@hettie thanks- it's a 'we will be selling' not 'he'. We're joint tenants, so I think it will end up being half each. I've considered seeking advice about split of money that recognises I've paid so much more into the place over the years, but no idea if that is doable yet.

Im hoping that because you are not married, where a 50-50 split would be the starting point that this may be a possibility, and certainly worth looking at - have you got proof of paying the mortgage directly, and how much of it ?

@NettleTea that's one of my reservations. The mortgage just comes out of the joint account, so no direct payments from my personal account to the mortgage.

However, each month, you can see my regular standing order (£900 now, used to be £700), and then additional top up payments which generally adds up to somewhere between £200 and £500 more each month. You can also see his sporadic £400 payments, which are meant to be monthly, but it works out more like £400 every 6 weeks or so. I don't know if that would be evidence enough.

Did you label the payments as 'mortgage'? Or just a generic 'bills'?

Id be investing in legal advice before anything else.

Gaming is not a cheap hobby

Have you added up what the difference is in both your payments? Lawyers eat large amounts of money quickly and so unless it's a lot, it might be worth chalking it up to experience. Or, showing him and asking for a fairer split. It's possible (but unlikely) he'd agree if he saw the numbers.

BTW thanks for updating. It is nice to know what happened, even if it's not great for you now, you will end up better off.

this is true. He needs the money to pay debts I guess, so may want a quick sale/split
point out that you COULD take him to court to even it out, which would cost him money as well as you. maybe he will do the right thing.
what happened with the deposit?

if you add it up and work it out proportionally, then suggest an equity split based on that - you could round it slightly in his favour just to make it seem like he could be winning.

I was going to say ‘sorry to hear the update and to give out you’ve split’ but actually, I’m not sorry. You’re better off without him, and better to find out now than later.