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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told him he can't buy it?

161 replies

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 08:40

I live with my bloke- long term relationship but not married. We do not have joint finances but have a mortgage together.

I earn more than him and pay about double what he does into the household pot. Recently, I've been having to top the joint account up even more (winter fuel bill, cost of groceries etc) and he is still only putting in the same amount, saying he can't afford more. (He works much less than full time, so could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.)

Now, he's been looking at a new PC and talking about how 'cheaply' he can build it. I've categorically told him no, he cannot buy a new computer when we're barely staying in the black in our joint account. His current PC is absolutely fine and more than high powered enough to do whatever he needs to do.

Either he can't afford to pay more into the joint account, so he can't afford a new computer... or he CAN afford it, and is lying to me about not putting more into the joint account.

I'm getting fed up with all my money going into joint expenses, and him paying a paltry amount to have a good quality of life, then wanting to spend his extras on fripperies.

YABU- I'm being controlling and unfair
YANBU- I did the right thing in telling him no

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 23/02/2024 12:03

I think you need to have a big discussion with him about finances, prompted by the computer situation but not really about that. I assume you don't have a spare £1000 (?) to spend on fun stuff!

Either he needs to be more transparent and contribute fairly or the end of your relationship altogether. He should know how much he earned April 22-23 at the very least, for tax/HMRC purposes. That might be a good place to start.

I'd also work out how things would look for yourself if you ended the relationship - could you buy him out of the house or downsize?

Riverlee · 23/02/2024 12:03

Yes, I’d be annoyed if you’re topping up everything g and he suddenly wants to spend pounds on a new computer.

Hopefully this is the wake up call you need and has made you realise he has dropped his hours. In one sense, he’s not totally to blame, as you’ve both let this situation to happen.

Time to grasp the situation by the horn and to make changes. Get him to up his hours or get a new full time job.

MarnieMarnie · 23/02/2024 12:04

I just don't understand how you have any respect for this person. You're effectively supporting an adult who is capable of working but cant be arsed, how do you find that attractive?

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 23/02/2024 12:10

The bit I'd struggle with the most is that he's happy to let you work full time and take on the financial burden while he's sitting around working part time, contributing less than half and gaming.

Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with one partner working less than the other for any reason that works for a couple or their dynamic, but NOT when money is an issue and the higher earner is struggling as a result while the lower earner is working less and spending spare money on fripperies. That's just wrong.

DancingFerret · 23/02/2024 12:18

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:41

@Workawayxx , you're right about the resentment. It has been slowly creeping in. I get that, as a higher earner anyway, it's only fair for me to pay more. But his contribution only cover half the mortgage, let alone the food bill, council tax, gas, electric and water etc.

He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.

His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns.

I'm wondering why you think as the higher earner, it's only fair that you should pay more?

My view of a partnership, especially with a joint mortgage, is all outgoings are tallied up and then split equally between the partners with the higher earner keeping their surplus to spend as they wish - whether that involves treating their partner, saving, or whatever, depending on the dynamics of their relationship.

StripeyDeckchair · 23/02/2024 12:20

AllotmentTime · 23/02/2024 08:54

YANBU. He's a cocklodger, point out to him that you're subsidising his PT work and if he doesn't buck his ideas up, get rid.

I'm assuming that he's not doing a vast share of the household chores to compensate but I know you're going to say he sits gaming at home while you work, right? Hence the new PC?

This

Being on the same page re finances is far more important than most people acknowledge.

Tight people, people who don't pull their weight, people who lie about their finances, people who work part time or not at and watch their partner struggle & worry about money are all deeply unattractive and very rarely improve.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/02/2024 12:22

Could you say, well OK, you want this thing. You will need to go without x,y,z as I'm not making up the difference in household expenses.
If he doesn't seem to get it, tell him he needs to take on more hours as that's the only way he can afford stuff without disadvantaging you.

JungsWordTest · 23/02/2024 12:24

Well, he's totally regressed, hasn't he? You've become his mother, and you do the adulting, while he becomes increasingly comfortable in the role of the child.

Nah. I wouldn't stand for that.

Superscientist · 23/02/2024 12:37

First priority is paying into the family pot.

He doesn't value what you do to financially support the pair of you and thinks you will always step in the fill the gap. He is treating you as a cash cow and isn't behaving as a partner

We have had a few periods where one of us has earned less than the other. One these occasions we have rejigged the financed accordingly and adjusted our lifestyle to the budget of the person on a lower income. Currently I'm on 80% hours and a significant proportion of my income is bonus linked and it's not a guarantee how much or even if I will get the bonus. A good bonus puts me around the same my partner and we have calculated my contribution as if I get a low to average bonus. I think our current split in to the current account is 45:55 and if I do get a good bonus I make a one of payment to make it 50:50 over that 12 month period. It leaves both with a reasonable amount of leftovers at the end of the month. If we need to top up the joint account or if we do work on the house those costs are split 50:50.

His priority has to be being able to make every mortgage payment on time. His next priority is to contribute to the family pot equally so any additional costs that crop up from month to month. Only then do hobbies come into play.

Nicole1111 · 23/02/2024 12:43

A spreadsheet is needed. He sounds self employed so presumably he keeps all his earnings recorded for the tax man. This way you can get him to evidence his earnings and work out if you’re paying a fair proportion.

NoMoreLifts · 23/02/2024 12:50

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:41

@Workawayxx , you're right about the resentment. It has been slowly creeping in. I get that, as a higher earner anyway, it's only fair for me to pay more. But his contribution only cover half the mortgage, let alone the food bill, council tax, gas, electric and water etc.

He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.

His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns.

Tax return is your friend there, assuming it's honest!

Coldupnorth7 · 23/02/2024 13:11

He might be dodging taxes. I'd definitely be looking at a proper spreadsheet. We do one every 3 months, it's quite eyeopening. :-)

He certainly doesn't sound like long-term partner material. Would he step up if you were ill or had DC? No savings is very bad indeed, leaves you very exposed.

I used to advise debt stuff and the saddest cases were where people got ill and used to have a good quality of life, so outgoings and then suddenly they were unable to work and hadn't got emergency money, or it had run out.

ScarlettSunset · 23/02/2024 13:17

Surely it's simple..if he can't afford to contribute more to the bills and essentials then he definitely can't afford the non essential nice to haves either.

toomuchfaff · 23/02/2024 13:28

peachpearplums · 23/02/2024 11:41

@Workawayxx , you're right about the resentment. It has been slowly creeping in. I get that, as a higher earner anyway, it's only fair for me to pay more. But his contribution only cover half the mortgage, let alone the food bill, council tax, gas, electric and water etc.

He worked almost full time when he lived by himself, and I've not really paid much attention to how he's quietly dropped increasing hours until relatively recently.

His earnings are inconsistent, so it's really hard to pin down how much he actually earns.

He worked full time when he lived by himself - until he realised he didn't need to work fulltime when he lives with you because you'd be there to pick up the slack and pay his share...
workdodger, cocklodger.

happy for you to cover where he chooses not too... reconsider this relationship.

Spencer0220 · 23/02/2024 13:44

Based on your update he's definitely a cocklodger and a very, very cheeky one at that.

Given that he's choosing not to work as much as he could, it's totally fair for you to ask that he contributes enough before buying a new toy.

I am on disability benefits, my husband works full time, but I make sure I pay every penny I can on bills. It's just what you do in a loving, committed relationship.

I do suspect that you'll be single soon.

Spencer0220 · 23/02/2024 13:46

To add, if he was on a PT wage because he COULDNT work FT that would be different. If his current job can't offer that he needs to be looking at options

TwylaSands · 23/02/2024 13:52

could pick up more work... but doesn't want to.
this is the issue. He is happy for you to work harder and pay more to keep him in the life to which he has become accustomed.

when you are working full time and he is working part time, and less and less every year, doing equal amounts of housework isnt good enough.

Riverlee · 23/02/2024 13:54

@TwylaSands That’s the sentance that jumped out at me . If he’s doing fewer hours, he should me doing more housework!

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 13:55

@DancingFerret that really doesn't make sense.

If you are making a joint decision about where to live for example you would either have to restrict your options to within the lower earner's means or bully them into paying for something they can't afford.

Also if you are sharing your life with someone and you love them, why would you want to selfishly keep all your spare money and watch them struggle to save?

There have been many threads about this type of arrangement and there is normally some type of financial abuse involved.

Aria999 · 23/02/2024 13:57

@peachpearplums it sounds like he is taking advantage of you.

I wouldn't say he 'can't' get the computer but tell him that if he has that kind of spare money then you need him to agree to pay more into joint as you are sick of topping it up.

Whatdoesthatbuttondo · 23/02/2024 13:59

DancingFerret · 23/02/2024 12:18

I'm wondering why you think as the higher earner, it's only fair that you should pay more?

My view of a partnership, especially with a joint mortgage, is all outgoings are tallied up and then split equally between the partners with the higher earner keeping their surplus to spend as they wish - whether that involves treating their partner, saving, or whatever, depending on the dynamics of their relationship.

Show quote history

Interesting to see this as an opinion and I’m not saying it’s wrong, but the general consensus on Mumsnet when I see these posts with regards to a low earning woman being asked to put 99% of her earnings in to bills when her high earning partner only puts 30% in to bills and it’s an equal contribution, most people are shouting that it’s financial abuse.

We do percentage split. Eg if he earned twice what I did, he’d put twice as much in to the joint account.

rainbow616 · 23/02/2024 14:04

Not sure how much this pc would cost, but I would say if he can afford this, then he can afford to pay more towards bills. I wouldn't be happy with him working what seems to be the bare minimum and you're out working full time. It should be equal.

isthewashingdryyet · 23/02/2024 14:06

If you are not married and have no kids then surely 50:50 of all bills, food, petrol and mortgage and insurances is fair.
then you pay for your own phone, car, gym, nights out etc.

cocklodger alert, loud and clear

OpalCitrine3 · 23/02/2024 14:21

He needs to contribute 50% and then he can splurge on a PC. He has some brass neck. My DH is building a PC at the minute and the cost is going to be about £2000!!! We can afford it right now, he has been putting money aside for a few months for it, but no way I'd be scrimping and subbing someone else's bills so they could spend that on essentially a hobby.

Time for a serious chat. I would honestly consider leaving if he doesn't start pulling his weight, I couldn't respect someone who refused to work enough to be an equal contributor to the household (health reasons aside)

Dearg · 23/02/2024 14:23

I don’t get why you would want to subsidise this person. You are not married so no joint responsibility for each others debts, other than mortgage and council tax., I don’t see mention of joint DC, or disability, or retirement, so why are you not just splitting everything 50-50?
I think it’s time to lay it on the line. Transparency over finances, and expectations.
He is taking advantage.